I need strength...

Dear Lord Jesus,

Give me a sign please. I really need to talk to you Lord. Since the last time we talked, the walk has been hard. Though I know you haven't left me but yet, I feel like I’m all alone. No matter how hard I fight with my inner feelings, I'm still going through all the pain and the hurt. I feel like it’s never ending for me…having to soak up all the trouble and having to walk through this all on my own. My tears are flowing like how the rain is pouring from the sky….but I know, only I can stop the rain.

Show me Lord Jesus, show me what I got to do to bring me closer to you. Whatever you want me to do, please…I need your comfort Lord. Give me a sign. Please show me something. I’m tired of walking on already. I know you are watching me but can you please don’t just watch me from a distance? Show me the light…Show me some sign. Please take my hand and guide me. Protect me and give me the strength to fight back Lord.

Life or Death? To live or die? I always thought if I don’t quit, my soul will not die but I’m so wrong. It seems to have died long ago and reviving it is tough and a chore to me now. Why does it seem like I have to be the sole giver of everything? Why do I have to worry about things going wrong? Why do I have to ensure that nothing goes wrong? Why do I have to throw in 101% of effort, biting the bullet and fighting all the way? And sadly, when things go wrong, I have to quietly except that it is my fault even when it is not.

There is this quote I chanced upon one day, “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”. A very meaningful quote right? But sadly, this is a quote I will never be able to accomplish because no matter what, he will always be my priority but I know….I will never be his…..and frankly….that hurts : (

Once my man...Always my man

November seems to pass pretty fast too. Just last week I was celebrating my birthday and now it’s already the 10^th. Gosh…time flies when it’s nearing the end of the year.

Invigilating a class now. Boring! Feels just like back in school when I’m seating for an exam, only difference is I was the student. Seeing the stress look on their faces just makes me miss school days. If only time can go back…I wish.

Can’t stop coughing since morning. Feels so irritated and still sick with all the chest tightness and breathlessness. How can I not stop smoking with all these problems, probably cut short my life span if this goes on : (

2 more hours to go before knock off…not sure if meeting him today. Still troubled over what happened. Don’t know if that’s what’s making me feel what I’m feeling these couple of days. Spoke to a couple of close buddies and I thought it’s probably only me that’s being unreasonable but I’m glad to know that what I’m feeling is absolutely normal. And the way I approach this matter is nothing wrong either. But the question is….does he think likewise? Definitely not. How can I make my man see the picture and let him understand without flaring up & resulting in yet another unnecessary argument?

The last thing I want is to totally not bother asking or knowing anymore because that would mean I have lost the love for him. I love this man so much and no matter what I do, I know I’ve always thought about him first. Be in planning an outing with friends, working OT, etc. I never fail to update him as & when…even for small little things. During breaks, the 1^st thing that comes to mind is whether he had his meals, how’s things doing….What do I call this? Respect & Love…making sure he’s assured of my whereabouts, my activities. Making sure he don’t forget his meals.

My man don’t think likewise. A couple of days ago he made a statement to me which totally came to me as a punch. Till today, I can’t forget his words. “This is not an army camp. I don’t have to tell you EVERYTHING”. These words strike me so hard…it’s hurts till today. At times when I forget to tell him certain things or I’m a little late to tell him, he would also ask me “why you never tell me?” Almost immediately, I will be overwhelmed with guilt & apologized. Never once did I take it as controlling or like what he termed it “ARMY CAMP”. I guess it’s more of a responsibility instead of….An Army Camp. Oh well…I guess I just need some time to get over it…and especially during this vulnerable period where I’m sick…It will probably take longer but then…I’m Jane…I will be fine after awhile : ) That’s what I’m proud of myself…hahaha…Thick skin eh? Hehe….But that’s me what! Hardly bear grudge…yoo hoo….but then again…maybe this is my weakness too.

Oh no…it’s raining again....wet evening awaits us…damn…

Gonna pen off for now..back to class. Will be right back soon again…Tada!

I need to get over it

Waiting for time to past. Meeting bii later but he’s still busy with his stuffs. Mind kinda shuts off already. No more mood to work so thought of just blogging abit.

It’s only Tuesday but seems like it’s a Friday cz the past 2 days had been hectic. Feeling breathless and tired but I doubt anyone can really understand. So…just suck thumb ba! I’m seriously dying for a break. Can’t even remember when my last long leave was. People around kept taking leaves as and when they like but yet I dutifully stay and complete trainings at the beck & call of some people.

Yesterday was really a bad bad day I must say. Today still not too bad but could have been better. Bii presented me with a good and bad news today. Okok…not a bad news..just a disappointing one I suppose. He had finally landed himself on a more stable job (Thumbs up!! Yeah!) Something I guess we both need for our future. Thank You so much Dear Lord for answering to my humble prayer. May I ask you now Lord to let this be a smooth journey for him. I know he can do it cz he’s my baby J

Well…the not so good news…sigh…no point harping on it. In any case, I will be lying if I say I’m really ok about it but what the hell lah……………disappointment would be the word I suppose. The least I was hoping is if he can’t start on the 2^nd week, I thought he would take the effort to keep the 2^nd free at least. The most shitty thing about this whole thing is I know I can’t even voice it out to him, fearing or risking any unnecessary quarrel again. Can I even make another request asking him to keep himself free on my birthday? What will his response be? Will he brand me as not understanding? Or will he say I’m being unreasonable? Or will he be understanding enough to know why I made this request?

No point harping ….. really no point….

Got to go now…another min here irks the shit out of me cz I can hear someone’s voice so clearly! Oh no….OUT OF OFFICE MODE ON!

好想他。。。

Yeah! 终于可以看到他！ 等了 3 天了 ：）多么希望时间能够快点过。。。

竟然不能请口告诉他我多么想他。。那就静静在这里说明。。。宝贝，我好想你，但为什么想你就好像不对呢？

Absence makes the heart.....miserable

Feeling miserable & emo...just feel so down :(

Infection is causing my eye & nose to hurt badly. Left eye tearing, makes it so uncomfy. Could literally feel as if my eye ball is gonna pop out. Taste of blood in my bloody throat is so disgusting too. When will I recover? :( Hoping that the pain will go away soon and that check up on Monday will be fine. Dun wanna see a specialist. Feeling unwell yet poo not ard. That makes it doubly worse and the feeling is really sucky!! Big time sucky! Hates his reservist timing this time round...what fuck shit timing is this man?! Stupid SPF! Deprive time I hv with my poo. Boo hoo hoo!!!!!

I miss him very much...haven't seen him for 2 days and only spoke on the phone for less than 2 mins on both tue & wed. Arrgghhh....didn't know missing someone can be so horrible :(

Was quietly hoping that poo could surprise me with a lunch date since he knows we can't meet for so many days...hinted to him but...oh well. Guess I just have to 忍 .... Please let next week be better. This week bad week at work, not feeling gd...yet poo not ard to share. Sob sob!

Bii...我好想你。。。你知道吗？

My heart is real...feel it

On the way home now in the train...many thoughts running through my mind. He's giving me a very uncomfortable feeling. Have he once agn mistook my intentions? I definitely could see it from his face. Offering to walk with him to the bus stop or to take the train to his place was merely becz I wanted that few more moments with him. Every single moment spent is so dearly treasured and precious to me. If I hv to walk a few more steps, I will do it. If I had to travel juz to see him for juz a moment, I wld. If I had to wait juz to catch a moment with him, I will patiently wait. Sometimes....I juz wish he can understand & feel the real me. I'm really not that bad...

I thought I felt good today. Really good but how come somehow it felt different after that? Is it juz me? Or am I right on those feelings? It's so amazing how he can put a smile on my face from those simple actions and yet he's also the same person that can change my emotions the very next. This really makes a simple point...he's my life. His moods changes mine too. I feel like a worm in his tummy...his big big tummy. Hee.. Hv I failed agn in this rship? Where hv I failed? I'm genuine with my thoughts, my intentions & my feelings. Can't he see it, feel it? There's no one else except him.. God, I ask u to pls touch his heart...

Happy!!

So happy today!! Bii surprised me by getting a taiwan drama series for me : )

It was indeed a pleasant surprise….

Dear Lord, I’m sure you heard my prayers…hee….

Can’t wait to see Bii but then I have a few hours more before I get to see him. Going for QPM’s team building dinner at East Coast. Super last min invitation -_-“

Wondering what Bii doing now…should I text him? Sigh…this is the part I don’t like. If I text too often, becomes I’m sticky…but if I dun text him…he won’t even drop me a text : (

Nvm lah…let’s just wait.

Anyway, I’m happy today cz he had put a smile on my face! I LOVE HIM SOOOO MUCH!!!

Just Him....

I'm sitting here staring at my computer screen, thinking of no one else but him again. It feels so weird how I naturally feel so lonely when he’s not around. Each time I close my eyes, he just appears. I thought I could see his face, feel his touch and at times, I could even taste his kiss. I'm constantly thinking of him. It’s how strange how when something goes wrong or when I'm down, just simply by thinking of him, it will somehow make me feel slightly better. I guessed he has really stolen my heart but… have I successfully stolen his? He’s the 1^st person I think of when I open my eyes & the last person I think of when I close my eyes….

God, you gave me this man to love, this man whom I want to live the remaining years of my life with…will you continue to path this road smoothly for us? You’ve created this man 27 years ago…he’s been a great man but can I request a little more soft touches on him please…hee…just a little more. : )

To lay a kiss on his lips,
so gentle and delicate
is like picking the drops of dew
off the petals of a rose.
I hold him close and feel safe,
sheltered in from the rain,
from the storms that grow and surround me.
I take his hand and look into his eyes
and see a heart made of gold and soul so pure.
He is an angel, an angel to me.
I could not help but fall madly in love with him,
the one who stole my heart.

If I were a boy....

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

My little Angel

Been an extremely long time since I get a chance to blog..really miss having my own lappy. In the past, when Im down, I know I can blog in order to voice out my unhappiness...but now, I dont even have that chance to do so..and at times...that feels crappy cz my only avenue is also taken away...sob sob...
My little bloggy, Im very sure of u can talk to me now, you will be alarm and shock by what Im gonna say...Im expecting a little one in me....I know...the last you heard from me was 6 mths ago and now that I can start talking to you agn..I have to tell u this...well...Im in a fix....filled with mixed emotions.
Happy cz I have a little one that belongs to him in me, Sad becz this gift came too early for us..Sometimes I wonder if he will change his attitude towards me after this little angel is gone..What should I do? Even without this little one, he has changed...I am no longer his first priority though he always claim I still am...he's always placing his friends before me but yet each time I try to voice it out, we ended up arguing agn and I hv to juz give in so as not to let this become worst...Does he still love me?
Anyway, this little one means alot to me now and Im going to keep it in me for as long as I can.

My little angel, Mummy is so sorry...pls know that deep down, I really love you alot...I hope your presence inside me can help strengthen the love between your daddy and mummy...