Its a quiet & lonely christmas day!

It's christmas eve today but seems like nothing special anyway. Dont even have the christmas mood nor any christmas plans. My feelings now are just simply to hard to explain in words. Everyone ard me seems to be anticipating christmas countdown tonite..but for me...haiz...
Being invited for a christmas lunch party by zahara later on..then gonna have lunch at suntec. Still yet to get christmas gifts for the kids. Damn!!! Pretty last min but hope to get better offer and discounts.
He has to work tonite as well and as for me...well...will wait for him then...honestly, I dunno whats the road ahead of us but for now, can only take a step at a time. This morning when he dropped me off, we gave each other a kiss on the lips...its been so long since I felt that few seconds of gladness :)
On the way to work, he told me some things...I kept quiet and didnt wanna say anything cz there are two meanings to what he said...its either he cares for me or..he just wants no nonsence..so which is which..deep down..I really hope and wish that it wld be the first..
I know this road is hard to walk on...but as long as we have the faith, Im sure we can do it...not forgetting a gd fren I have as well...who said he will walk us thru this together...Really appreciate his help and concern and also those midnight rush to our place when help is needed. I must truly admit that gd frens are really hard to come by and this is one friendship I wld surely treasure and I hope hubby will understand that there are no hidden agenda...we all want to walk out of this..
Really miss those happy times with hubby..missed those days when he brings us fishing, makan, cycling and many more...Cant wait for that time to come bk..though many things have happened and to know that Im still standing here means how much I love him. I hope he can see tat one day....if I dun love him...I wont bear 2 beautiful children for him le...rite? nvm...must have faith!

Fear is what I feel right now...

These past few days have been nothing but a tiring and fearful experience. Every night, walking back home is a chore, been dreading it but it came to a point whereby I cant give up now. I have to hold on for as long as I can. I really dont know how long more & Ive been askin myself why this have to happen to me. This isnt the kind of marriage I want but deep dwn, I love him too much to let go now. Especially when things are the way it is now. Many a times, I feel like just leaving everything but wouldnt I be too selfish to do that? At the same time..does he see & feel for me at all.
Here I am worrying every night, fearing every night...does anyone knows?? I want this whole thing to end...Please...

A letter to God ~ Im losing faith...Please Help

Dear Lord,

You know exactly hw lost and fearful your child is feeling right now. My mind is in a complete mess and I absolutely cannot think straight. Please Lord Jesus, give me the strength & faith to walk on this tough journey which you have set for me. I always believed that you made everything happened for a reason and likewise for now, however, cant you see that your child is already at the bottom? Why are you doing this to me? Exams are in a couple of weeks time, my job is on the hook if this were to go on, I would go crazy having to manage all these, why cant you help me Lord? Why have you forsaken me? Why are you doing this to me?
Did u sense the fear in me when I got home ytd? Didnt you know I was faking a brave front, I was dying to escape all these and just hide away in the darkness but I know I cant. You must have a reason for doing this to me and allowing me to walk thru this journey of hell, tell me Lord, tell me what will be gained from this horrible episode? Didnt you show me the path to One Hope? Didnt you plan for me to meet ppl like Mr Wong, Reverand Tan and the others? Didnt you show me that miracles do happen when my hubby had decided to walk to One Hope also? But why when things are going the way it should be, it just have to fall apart agn? I cant seem to search for an answer? Pls tell me, send me your angels and tell me what sld be my next step?
I will not forget having to walk from the carpark to the flat feeling nothing but fear and the unexpected..when I knew and saw nothing dwnstairs, I still couldnt help but know that what Im feeling is definitely not wrong..and true enough, my worst fear was confirmed. I knew you guided me to remain calm throughout and be able to tell Boon what to do..but Lord Jesus, do you know my heart was beating 3 times as much as its normal speed, did you know I wanted to cry out, did you know my heart was aching and I was having cold feet? Where were you Lord when I needed you most?
Whole of today was nothing but jittery..mind totally switched off at work and as a result, I was reprimanded by my boss in front of so many other colleagues..Lord, did you allow that to happen or issit the works of the devils? Hope was agn and agn crushed, screaming and searching for some answers...Please Lord, I beg you...pls take away my pain and my sorrow. Pls take away my worries, my fears, my sadness.....
I have a bad feeling agn...will something happen tonight as well? Please my lord, pls help prevent anything bad from happening. Pls send your angels to cast the evil thoughts of others and be able to understand our pain right now. Yes Lord, we know who was the caused of this but I believe he is regretting his past actions and may want to repent. I know as well that I can nvr speak for him but for the sake of me and the little kids...Pls spare us. Pls give us a chance and give us the energy to fight on. I beg u Lord..I beg U...
Show me the light and the way...show me signs of the next action I should take and what I should do. Come to me Lord...
I need u...I really do...I cant fight on any further...

I am tired. Help me!

Sleepy...

Feeling slpy and stoning nw. Loads of things are running in my mind nw. Feeling lost and confused abt certain thoughts and feelings. Not sure where I sld be seeking the answers that Im dying to know but I guess all I can do now is just take a little step at a time.
Today is rather a slow day, Boss on Mc..hehe..but was busy clearing the team's audit. Sibeh sian at times. Dunno if I love this job or not..ahaha..Ironic huh? Maybe too comfy with this job thats why dun wanna leave bt on the other hand, getting sick and tired of the work and some ppl..no names mentioned. kekeke..and becz of this, my lungs are getting darker and dirtier..LOL...wanna know why? Cz smoke alot mah. Dun think can quit smoking liao...
Ashley's chinese sch called..Die! Sch fees not paid yet :~(
Bloody 700 over bucks for both my darlings to take mandarin..but bo pian lah...since mummy me cant teach them well in that language, have to sacrifice lor.
Just called home and Ashley is simply so cute..she's grown so much and now she talk just like a big girl. She wanted to call her daddy but I guess he is busy cz he hung up the call...Miss the kids so much now but I miss him even more...

God is my way & my light

Dunno to consider it a miracle or not..but he had finally agreed to come with me to One Hope. For now, I can only thank god's graces for him allowing my hubby to take the 1st step out. At this point in time, I just feel so lost and drained...like a bloody lost child in the woods. Came to a point where I can no longer find any tears to cry, or energy to scream..just wanna hide in a hole and just nvr see the light agn.
Is this what I really want? Is this what Love is all abt? Probably..sacrificing what I have left for a man I call my husband..thats what Love is all abt. I guess that really is.
Thursday seems to be forever...how I wished its just tmr or even today..cant wait for him to see what all these are abt. He called me this afternoon...from his tone, I knew he wants to change and I knew very well he had regretted his actions..with that, I really pray hard to see more miracles...

Yearning for your love

Saturday used to be a day I yearn for cz it would mean we can go out as a family. Right now, is just like having lost my family without any warning signs. It has been almost 2 mths nw since you last took us out. Just ytd, you had hurt me once agn. I really wonder what I have done to deserve such a treatment from you. Isnt marriage supposed to be a blissful thing? Why arent I getting the kinda love I need from you? You called me once agn and demanded for $ agn. I told u I didnt have and you started hurling abuses at me and blamed me for the predictment that you are in right now. We all wanted to help you, but you refuses to listen to us and insist that we are unable to help. Darling, hw can I convince you that help is just ard the corner and all we are waiting for now is for you to step out and take the next step.
After last night's abuses from you, I started to ask myself agn & agn if you are sill the man I use to know, the man I chose to married. U wanted me out of the hse. Whatever was said, I will nvr forget 1 thing u said to me, you said if I dun move out, u will beat me up each time you see me. Those words cut right thru my heart. You had forgotten the pain I went thru just to give u 2 beautiful children. Everything was forgotten...
Currently Im also struggling to sustain this family. With the amounting bills I have, I still have to go on. There is no one I can tok to..I wish I cld tell u my problems..I wish u could be there as a husband to listen to me but I know I just hv to keep on dreaming. Baby, do u know that Im also hving to worry abt the loans & credit card bills? Who can I then tok to?? So pls baby, pls stop torturing me further. I really cant take it anymore....Im going crazy soon...
I Love You so much that I m trying to hold on for as long as possible but Im really afraid that I may not be able to hold on any longer..and if that day should come...I only hv to say Im sorry & I will be watching you from above...

Words for my Darling...

Feeling tired and bored as usual. back to work after a long weekend rest. Spent public holiday playing mj with Cisco gang, kana bao during 1 rd..haha..end up lost close to $25. Haha..After that had dinner before going home. Sometimes I ask myself, how long do I really wanna go on like that? Getting frens to spend their time with me so that I wont feel so lonely at home. Even when he is home, we dont talk and thats what it hurts most. Heard him on the phone with his frens and he could actually laugh but with me, he dun even wanna give me a 2nd look.

Laogong, do you really love me anot? Do you still want this marriage? Can you pls tell me? When I got home yesterday, you were not home either..Ashley & I waited for you till abt 1am..and when I suddenly jolt up from a dream, the room was dark, I searched for my hp and realised it was already 2am and you were still nt home. My heart is aching so badly, wondering where have you gone? Who are you with? Then I heard the door opened, I immediately pretended to sleep, you went to change and walked over to my side of the bed, my heart was beating so fast, I thought you would kiss me or hug me..I was anticipating, however, as the seconds ticked by, I opened my eyes and realised that you walked over only to get your bolster. I was devastated. I tried to get back to slp..but before I could doze off, your hp rang. Then I heard you deleting your sms-es...I couldnt help it but my tears just flowed out. I had to control myself becz I didnt dare let you know I was awake. My heart was aching so badly...I wish I could just jump off the building and end my life there...I immediately prayed and asked God for strength....A kind of strength that I needed more than anything else..
Baby...Im still counting down to thursday..a day which you have promised to come with me. I hope you will keep your word..however, a voice in me says not to have too high hope. But no matter what..I know you will try your best to keep to the promise though many promises have been broken. I hope my sincerity and tolerance will make you see one day the love I have for you. The day I said "I do" is the day Ive entrusted my life to you. Pls know that...
I know you may nvr even get to read this cz you dun even know I have a blog but then agn..this is the only way for me to feel as if I am talking to you..the only closeness I can get.

I Love You Laogong..and really hope you love me too..

The un-confirmed Miracle

Attended Fennie's wedding today, she look simply beautiful. Each time I attend a wedding, Im always overwhelmed with mixed emotions..how I wish I cld time bk the time andgo thru evryting from the start. I will nvr forget the time I wore my wedding gown, walking dwn the aisle with everyone looking at us..its just a beautiful memory that can nvr be erased from my mind. Till this very day, I stil questioned myself if he ever loved me as much as I had loved him. Missing him so badly..so I decided to give him a call. But we ended up quarrelling..I really wonder if he ever treats me as his wife. He asked me "why must u ask so many questions?" Cant a wife ask him anything? And why must he lie to me? He told me he could not attend his daughter's birthday becz he had to work that night..he said he cld not pick us up cz he had something to attend in the west, I believed he was working...he got home at 4am that night...and just awhile ago when I asked him, his reply was "Sorry hor..that day I havent work yet." Those answer simply broke my heart. Why must you lie to me? There are so many questions left unanswered in my head.
Dear Lord, pls give me the answers I yearn to hear. Is my marriage all abt money? What have I done to deserve such treatment? Does he want to let go? Many a times I tell myself to give this marriage and this love another chance...maybe he would show me the love I had yearn for the whole of my life...but hw long can I wait? Does he noe hw torturing this few months have been for me? Does he noe I was on the verge to end my life that night?
Will he be upset if I really leave this world? Death...not too far from me...take me away..take my pain together away. I cant take it anymore..I really cant. However, each time I thought of my 2 little angels, I ask myself what would happen to them after I die? Will they be well taken care of?
Guess its time to plan their path before I take my next step...and should the day really come...I hope he knows I loved him all my life and this marriage means too much for me to end in a divorce..therefore, I choose to end my life.......

This feeling is just so weird

Slept for whole day..body feeling very weak. Was away from work today. Did lots of reflection and was asking myself why Im feeling this way. Its just very weird. Today whole morning and noon, he kept sms-ing me asking for $ agn. As much as I wanted to give in to him, I know I had to stop giving in to his requests. If this goes on..he will nvr change. Still hving a hangover from last nite's drinking. Lots of things running in my mind now. Im so confused and messed up.
I dont ask for much, I just want to be loved and cared for, is that too much to ask for?
Guess everything had happen for a reason...a reason that I may nvr know...

Ashley's Birthday Party

Just got hm..celebrated Ashley's 4th bdae with her friends at explorer kids...Its so great to see hw happy she was, running all around the place and climbing up the playgroud. All her invited guests turn up so I can say it was indeed a successful party for her. Was pretty touched that father-in-law turned up as well though he had difficulties moving around. I guess the people that Ashley wanted to see were all there except her daddy. I was kinda dissappoined as well but I had to put up a "show" in front of everyone. I hate having to lie that he's at work but for the sake of my little gerl, I had to smile all the way.
Oh well...to me right now, nothing matters more than the happiness of both kids.
Another long day tomorrow, having a family get-together joint party for both Ashley & Xavier. This time round its gonna be only family members. Meeting er jie for marketing tomorrow morning as we will be having steamboat at home.
Im feeling kinda tired now...worrying abt finances as well..how??? Feel like my soul has left my body..Im so restless. At times, I just wanna give up but i know I cant...I have to hold on...even if it means I hv to tolerate all the sufferings...I know I still need to..
God, where are you?? Why have you forsaken me Lord..Pls..I beg u Lord Jesus, I lift myself up to you. Pls give me the strength & will.

Let your tears come. Let them water your soul

Am back to blog after 5 days..been pretty pack plus hardly use pc at home since he is always using it to play game. Weekend went past very dully as usual. Went to make payment for Ashley's birthday party in the morning then sent her for her phonics class. On the way there, went to order her birthday cake, cost me almost 60 bucks for that..but then agn, as long as she is happy..all sld be fine. Met Huiwen & gang, headed dwn to Lei Pan's hse for a few games of mj...super funny lor..playing with them is so much fun...looking forward to more mj nights..hahhaha
Played till abt 10 plus before heading home..as usual...he sms me with same request agn...sibeh sian.
Sun brought Ashley for her chinese class, took both kids to cut hair and spend the rest of rest of the day rotting at home. Something very unpleasant happened in the evening, shall not elaborate but I guess from those actions..it showed very clearly what my next move should be..but then agn..I guess Im very much in love with him as well as this family. At times I just hate myself...

"Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again"

Sucks Big Time!

Down with a bad flu and painful throat. Fever too..Damn! But I still have like tonnes of this freaki ng reports to complete....I hate it..Just simply hate it.And to think that I have to drag myself to work tomorrow for that freaking T&D meeting...arrgghhh..the thought of it just irks me right now. Feel like crying. Damn fustrated...Sometimes I wish so much for a msg from him but when he finally msg over..its nothing else but....broke his promises so many times that I find it so hard...so very hard to wanna believe him anymore..Agn and agn...I tell myself he will keep to his promise..but agn & agn...Im wrong!
Arrgghhh....Im so fustrated now...Someone pls help me!!!! I feel sick..need to see a doc...called him like a hundred times...Hp not on. What the hell man! Mr Lim Chuan Boon!!! Where are you?? Why off the phone?? Who are u with?
KNN lah..just managed to get thru like after 20 fucking mins..told me hp low batt..so he charging.
Ok..I cant go on further...I just cant keep my cool nw...
I hate everything..everything...I wanna die...

Accepting the pain & getting ready for Success

Busy for past couple of days. Both kids were sick on mon, had to take urgent leave to bring them to the doc and that cost me $168! Super ex but then bo pian, as long as kids get well and going. Was abit mad that kids getting abit out of hand..temper also getting from bad to worst. Was told by Angie that whenever in-laws are home, they nvr allow the kids to get scolded when they are naughty. Blew my top at Ashley but heart really pain after that..Anyway...monday was nothing but just staying home watching kids.
Back to work on tues, nothing good or bad happened..havent been like that for a long time so I kinda appreciate the quiet moments. Met up with Fennie and was invited for her wedding in dec. So happy for her...lately, so many ppl ard me are getting hitched and sometimes thinking back to the time I got married...well..simple and I wished I could do much more. But then agn..I know I have nothing to regret cz Im still with the same man :)

Starting to organise Ashley's birthday...She's been telling me so much abt her classmates birthday and I really wish to do something for her to make her birthday a memorable one. But once I started the planning, gosh..it was not easy. But at least for now, I have 16 kids on the list...damn, I didnt have this kinda birthdays when I was young...hahahah....
Just when I thought my day was going quite well...haiz...
Called him a while ago to tell him Im not going for class, he answered the call in a super happy and energetic tone, I was happy cz so far I knew I was the only one with private nbr that would call him. So it makes me glad that at least he was expecting my call but.....I was so wrong...the moment he heard my voice, his tone changed and before I could go further into the conversation, the line went dead due to reception problem. So I called agn..and this time round, his tone was different. I was immediately hit straight in the heart...So I asked him in a casually as to why his tone changed when he knew it was me, his reply "Aberthen"...I was hurt but when I asked further, I knew immediately he was kinda lost for words so I decided not to probe further..and deep dwn inside...I hope he knows this little action from him do hurt me alot..whether he meant it or he doesnt..he still did hurt me...
Okie...gtg...just got his sms...he's here..

What is Love???

He just went out...he started to speak to me...but it was becz of $ agn. Damn!! I simply hate it.
Anyway, I found out something by chance today, heart was damn pain. What I have seen has given me an even bigger determination to change my looks...Maybe Im not slim enough...maybe my breast is not big enough..nw I know wher I lose out.
Just a while ago, he screamed directly into Ashley's ears..I was so upset. Ive seen papers abt hw kids lose their hearing..I was so worried..but I cant deny the fact that the kids were pushing their luck...for the whole of today..I feel so fustrated. Kids making too much noise, he on the other end just couldnt stop torturing me mentally.
I feel like Im going insane soon..I hate this fucking feeling..
If I could choose...I wish I am a millionaire...
I nvr believe that love can be bought but nw....I cant find any reason not to believe.
I dun think he love me anymore...cz if he really loves me, he will nvr allow me to feel this way...

Once broken..nvr the same anymore..

Yet another weekend..was holding high hopes that this weekend would be a pleasant one but Im so wrong. Early morning woke up kana shouted at him agn. Poor Ashley was also scolded.
As usual, I thought he would send Ashley for her class and then maybe we could have breakfast together...but when we woke up him, he was super unhappy. Guess Ashley expected what her father's reaction wld be too cz when I told her to wake him up for the last time, she didnt want and even said her father wld scold her..true enough..he did..
I am really at a lost...just yesterday, he sms me when I was out with Jaz & gang..I was so happy..plus when I got home, he was slping on our bed...I really thought things were getting better, I thought we could have a good sunday out as a family but why is he so cold towards me in just a night? What have I done?
Angie send Ashley for her class & I was in the living room playing my PSP...I just didnt want to aggrevate the matter so I stayed away..but the moment I came back to the room as I wanted to blog...he snap at me agn...
Room was dark & I cldnt see the keyboard clearly..thats y i draw the curtains up...I wanted to explain but I knew we would probably end up arguing agn...so I just kept quiet...does he really hate me so much? I just feel that every single thing I does just irritates him..
Im feeling so shitty nw...but there's no one I cld turn to nw...Thank God for the invention of blog..just like a personal diary except that we dont have to write..hahaha...

Im so bored!!! Its sunday...how can I waste my weekend after a tired week at work? Arrgghh..
People says that weekends are family day...bullshit!!! I just hate weekends. I hate my life...I wish Im dead..then at least I dont get a chance to irritate him further..and he wont be so unhappy anymore...
For now..I can only force myself to smile....for my babies...

Kids School Orientation

Just got back from the kids school orientation..many parents were there to see their kid's future sch..Next year will be a new start for Shan & Im getting worried. But gd thing for Ashley is that her classmates remains the same so at least there will be familiar faces for her.
After the principle's talk, went up to the classes to take a look...then I heard Almira asking Ashley how come her daddy not there...it was at that point that I felt the hurt agn..I wished he was there with us. But its ok...I know he had to work..plus I doubt he will wanna go with us too..

It was just yesterday when he said he still love me but last night, we slept apart agn..why is he doing this?? What does he really want and wat is he thinking? Laogong..I miss u so much..
Forcing myself to leave u alone is really a torture...but I guess he feels happy that way.

Liana just called to say she on the way to pick me up...today we gonna havea small gathering to celebrate Jaz, Fiz & Alfred's birthday. First time my dept having picnic..hahaha..and everyone had to prepare food...okok...blog agn soon..
Gtg get ready..

So near yet so far...

Was reading the news abt this man who committed suicide by jumping into the Tigers Den at the zoo..Sad case. Life is so full of ups and dwns..we juz nvr noe what wld happen next in our life. Do we? I guess before he jumped in, he must be really depress cz the way he chose to die is really very painful..whatever it is...we hope his soul may rest in peace.
My mind is so full of thoughts now..deep now Im missing him so much though I get to see him daily. We are so near yet so far from each other. This feeling is torturing. Though he still sends me to work every morning (or rather I guess he didnt have a choice cz I always waited for him)..we dont even talk anymore. It just feels like a free taxi ride to work & I just hate it. I just miss those casual chats we usually have or rather..sometimes have. I miss him asking me "What time you knock off today" or "You have class tonight?"
Had an appt at LWM ytd, while Carol was getting things prepared, I was thinking if I sld sms and inform him where I am or what time I will be bk. Somehow I didnt becz I knew he probably wouldnt care. Inside the steam bath room, for the whole 10 mins, there was nothing on my mind except him. Got home at abt 9, as usual, he didnt speak to me, but before I went to bed, I still left his place empty for him hoping...but he still didnt. My heart was broken to see him slping on that bed without a proper blanky. I wanted to do something but Im so afraid if he wld turn down & even say hurtful things to me.
Sent him an sms this morning..told him I miss him & hw painful this is for me...till now, no reply. Am I putting my hopes too high? Will I be hurting myself more by trying too hard or putting my hopes too high? Its the 16th time that Im glancing at my hp, still nothing from him..

Today is a friday, am gonna try my best to be happy..I wish I can..anyway, my new boss just did something funny...at least I have something to make me laugh abt..class tonight..ok..shall proceed to do my draft to hand in tonight..for now..guess I still have to try and concerntrate on work & sch..

Just received an sms from him...reading those words just brought tears to my eyes. After reading it, I decided to ask him something that I needed to know badly..he replied immediately saying he still loves me and this family but he says he has no mood to talk abt this..

"If I hadn't met you, I wouldn't like you. If I hadn't liked you, I wouldn't love you. If I wouldn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do and I will"

我的心真的受伤了

灯光也暗了
音乐低声了
口中的棉花糖也融化了
窗外阴天了
人是无聊了
我的心 开始想你了

电话响起了
你要说话了
还以为你心里对我又想念了
怎么你声音变得冷淡了
是你变了
是你变了
灯光熄灭了
音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了
人是不快乐
我的心真的受伤了
我真的受伤了

电话响起了
你要说话了
还以为你心里对我又想念了
怎么你声音变得冷淡了
是你变了
是你变了
灯光熄灭了
音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了
人是不快乐

我的心真的受伤了
我的心真的受伤了
我真的受伤了

God allow everything to happen for a reason

Didnt blog ytd as I was busy sending Shan's pic for contest online and was busy getting frens to vote for him..haha..oh well..hope my little boy can win but even if he dun, it my heart, he's already a winner. Looking at both kids growing, it just warms my heart, still rmb vividly hw I carried them in my womb, hw I gone through labour..damn..that was all beautiful memories and I really wish time could go back to the past. Many things took place these 4 yrs and it certainly made a difference to my life but instead of hounding back to those unhappy thoughts, I guess we need to move on.
My day ytd was as usual...meaning? Yeah..bad! Recieved a call from Dr Loke abt my test results, I was shock but since he gave his assurance, I guess there is nothing I could do now but pray that in 6 mths time, things would improve. I always thought cancer only happens in old age but its so scary when doc tells u that you are at risk lah or you are suspected lah..Arrgghh..after his call, I was contemplating if I should inform him. What if he thinks Im adding to his prob? What if he thinks Im just seeking for self pity? In the end, as a respect since he's my husband, I decided to sms him. Thank God that his reply was not hurtful..he offered to come along with me for the next chk up.
I thought everything seems to look good ytd until..the next message from him..I really feel so tired at times..this just doesnt seem to stop. Having to anticipate agn and agn what would be coming next, its so nerve wracking. I told him how I felt, agn..he didnt understand. I wish he could stand in my shoes..he always thinks Im selfish and I refuse to understand him..but gosh..5 yrs..have I not been helpful and understanding enough? At times I really ask myself, is he taking me for granted? Does he really love me and treasure me for who I am? What happen if 1 fine day, I really walk out, will he regret or will he be happy? I have nvr been really happy anymore. I can no longer be myself and be the jovial self I used to be anymore...

Just got back from meeting, think Im gonna schedule another meeting in the afternoon so as to help occupy my mind. Day is ticking by so slowly, still have to go for class tonight. Am trying to keep my week busy so I dont have to go back early.
Now im making it sound like I dont like to go home. WRONG!! I hardly wanna go out anymore as I love to just go back home and spend time with the kids. Previously he dont usually ignore me but now, it's like Im just irritating him no matter what I do. So whenever I go bk now, I usually just stay away from him as I really dont wanna cause any unnecessary arguement. And to further avoid that...stay away from home lor..
Ytd went for slimming appt that ended at 9.30, reached home at abt 10.30. Showered and went to bed. Today have classes till 10 and I doubt he will pick me up after what happen ytd. So I guess will be home by 11 plus..tmr had arranged for slimming appt also, fri class, sat hving picnic with colleagues to celebrate 3 CCians bdae.

Insanity is knowing that what I'm doing is completely idiotic

Ever wondered who you really live for in this life? Is it for yourself or for others? I really cant help but kept wondering if this is what I really want. This just isnt the same me anymore. Getting sick of life is really the last thing I want but if this goes on, Im sure to go insane. Think Im not any further from going crazy anyway.
What is love & marriage? Isnt it suppose to be a beautiful thing where 2 people share their lives happily with equal responsibilities and less worries. Why do I have to get the opposite? Is this the kind of love and marriage im destined for? Its just not fair. I dont ask for much, I just want to be loved and cared for, I just want a small family to live with. Im not asking for millions of dollars just to stay happy. I just want a simple life. Is that asking too much?
God, I know you made everything happen for a reason, but what you have given me or allow me to go through has been so long already. Dont you know im hurting deep inside and its such a torture. What have I done that I have to be mentally and emotionally tortured in this manner? Just tell me and I would change. I promise I would do anything to make my life and this marriage work better. Take away the pains from me, pls transform my hubby.
Weekend went by bleaky except that I had some fun on saturday just before class. Met the group to celebrate Adeline's (Alvin's wife) birthday. Went to Kbox @ clementi for lunch from 11am and left at 2pm for class. It was nice how this was planned to give Adeline a surprise. Adeline was telling us that she initially thought her hubby was taking her for movies and really didnt expect a bdae surprise from us. She was also sharing how her hubby would celebrate her bdaes for her every year..damn..felt a tinge of sadness when I thought back on my birthday 8 days ago. Anyway..so happy for them. After class ended at 5pm, decided to go window shopping as I was really bored. I knew even if I had gone home straight, I would be staying home to rot...he will not take me or the kids out. Whole day, not a single call nor sms from her anyway. Went to tamp mall and CS, dunno why but everywhere I go, I could see couples and families, smiles on their faces, walking hand in hand. Mothers shopping, fathers tending to their kids..I wish he was with me. After walking for 2 hours, decided it time to go home..as I was reaching home, he drove past me at the carpark..(he later told me its becz he didnt see me)
Oh, by the way..forgot to mentioned that Ive got a rose..yeah!! wanna know who gave? was asked to do a short survey for Mary Chia Slimming Salon and in return..A rose..okok..stop it..jane must be too deprived of getting gifts, that why am just overeacting :(
Sun also went by dreadfully...maid was off, thought he would take us out but nope...only brought Ashley for her class then back home..In-laws came over so basically nothing special happen. He agn ignored me for the whole day. Not a single word from him, he stayed in the room while I..in the living room. Didnt wanna stay in the same room as Im really so afraid that it would just trigger any unnecessary quarrel..which is the last thing I want. When I say its the last thing, I really mean it..but no matter how much I had explained to him, he nvr believed me. He always thinks Im out to pick a fight...and he never would realise how much his words or his actions would hurt so badly. Right now..all I can do is keep quiet and at most times, I have learned to just stay away.

Just came back from lunch..its a rainy day. Nice to nap. Back to do reports agn...monday..hate mondays. Im switching off real soon...mind so full of him. He must be real free now cz he ever told me that whenever it rains, he will just stay in the car till rain stops..so shiok right? hehe..
This morning he sms me..same old thing..and one of his last sms was abit uncalled for. Dun understand why he have to treat me that way. But his sms brought me a step closer to understand and convince myself of who I really live for. At times I feel so manupulated by his words and actions..but yet I still gave in..if U ask me why...well, I can say its becz of the love I have for him and this family. And I really do hope one day, he can really see and understand everything I have done. So for now, all I can ask for is God's power for me to stay strong and stay in faith for a better future.

After a long time..Im back agn..

Was reading back my past blogs and realised that its been almost 6 mths since I last pen down my thoughts. Ok..if you are wondering where all the blogs are..deleted and trashed!! Why? Because its been 5 days since my birthday, so new beginning for this blog as well. Been wanting to blog but no time..okok..probably an excuse..Alright Im lazy..but look..Welcome me bk..hehe
Suddenly realise that blogging today isnt such a great idea afterall, thought I could start the re-birth of my blog with some happy happenings but sad to say..no..
My morning already started with an unhappy arguement I had with my hubby. As agreed, I just tolerated and kept my mouth shut though I was hurting so badly. Sometimes I feel so at lost, not knowing what to do. When I voice my opinions and wish to express myself to allow him to see the things I do, we always ended up with both of us shouting on top of our voices and eventually leaving me in buckets of tears, however, when I choose to just bite my teeth and tolerated, allowing him to say what he feels and thinks, it ends up causing pain and hurts cz my intentions can never be brought across. Just this morning, I had to go through that similar process..holding back tears, I just listened to what he has to say and when he finally hung up on me, I wish I had a blanket with me where I can just hide myself inside and cry to my heart's content. What hurts most was an sms that came after that...the 4 letter F word :~(
As though thats not enough for me to take..I still had to manage some things that is happening at work now. Shall not go into the details but God..give me the strength and faith to strive on. Just had meeting with my new lady boss..jia lat..new changes..not for the team (Phew..) but for me (Sob sob)..but nvm lah..thats what Im here for..just hope my team understands..

Nothing means more than my 2 little angels

havent blog for many days le..weekend was a disaster. My baby was damn sick..initially promised to take her swimming but just before we left, her body felt so hot and she was complaining that she felt sick. Took her temp and my goodness, it was 39.8 degree! Clinics closed so had to take her to the hosp. When at the hosp, my poor gerl was still boiling hot but waiting to see the doc takes forever..I was getting impatient cz Ashley is still so young, what happens if her brain get burn?? Waited for like an hr before our number being flashed. Doc couldnt find out the cause of her extremely high fever, and decided to do some test on her which includes drawing some blood from her tiny little hand. Gosh..my heart felt like as though someone had just pierced it with a dagger. My baby was crying and screaming..I know how pain it was but I could not do anything to take that pain away from her. Tears just dripped now...I feel so useless. Next, I had to force her to pee cz they also wanted to test her urine. After going thru all these, we were told that Ashley's blood count is very low and that xray results showed that her stomach is enlarged and they suspect there could be blockage. My heart sank rite to the ground...I was so worried....we were immediately referred to KK Hosp...
Thank goodness we didnt have to wait long as the doctors at CGH had already informed KK Hosp of our expected arrival. When we got there, Ashley's fever shot up to 40 degree!!! We were told to take her to the emergency room. My mind was in such a messed. I felt like a little gerl...lost and lonely. I could give up anything just to make my gerl well agn. After all the worries...Im so glad that she is back to her norm...but we were told to keep a close watch on her.
However, even when we were home...her temp keeps doing the see-saw stunt on us. For now...there's nothing much I could do except to pray hard.
Today back at work...mind not here at all...kept wondering how my little gerl is doing. Anyway...after what had happen, I realised that I can give up anything just for my 2 darlings...nothing means more their well-beings.

Sometimes when I'm alone I cry
Cause I am on my own
The tears I cry are bitter and warm
They flow with life but take no form
I cry because my heart is torn
I find it difficult to carry on
If I had a ear for confiding
I would cry among my treasured friend
but who do you know that stops that long
to help another carry on
The world moves fast
and it would rather pass by
Then to stop and see what makes one cry
So painful and sad
And sometimes....
I cry
And no one cares about why.