Ashley's Birthday Party

Just got hm..celebrated Ashley's 4th bdae with her friends at explorer kids...Its so great to see hw happy she was, running all around the place and climbing up the playgroud. All her invited guests turn up so I can say it was indeed a successful party for her. Was pretty touched that father-in-law turned up as well though he had difficulties moving around. I guess the people that Ashley wanted to see were all there except her daddy. I was kinda dissappoined as well but I had to put up a "show" in front of everyone. I hate having to lie that he's at work but for the sake of my little gerl, I had to smile all the way.
Oh well...to me right now, nothing matters more than the happiness of both kids.
Another long day tomorrow, having a family get-together joint party for both Ashley & Xavier. This time round its gonna be only family members. Meeting er jie for marketing tomorrow morning as we will be having steamboat at home.
Im feeling kinda tired now...worrying abt finances as well..how??? Feel like my soul has left my body..Im so restless. At times, I just wanna give up but i know I cant...I have to hold on...even if it means I hv to tolerate all the sufferings...I know I still need to..
God, where are you?? Why have you forsaken me Lord..Pls..I beg u Lord Jesus, I lift myself up to you. Pls give me the strength & will.

Let your tears come. Let them water your soul

Am back to blog after 5 days..been pretty pack plus hardly use pc at home since he is always using it to play game. Weekend went past very dully as usual. Went to make payment for Ashley's birthday party in the morning then sent her for her phonics class. On the way there, went to order her birthday cake, cost me almost 60 bucks for that..but then agn, as long as she is happy..all sld be fine. Met Huiwen & gang, headed dwn to Lei Pan's hse for a few games of mj...super funny lor..playing with them is so much fun...looking forward to more mj nights..hahhaha
Played till abt 10 plus before heading home..as usual...he sms me with same request agn...sibeh sian.
Sun brought Ashley for her chinese class, took both kids to cut hair and spend the rest of rest of the day rotting at home. Something very unpleasant happened in the evening, shall not elaborate but I guess from those actions..it showed very clearly what my next move should be..but then agn..I guess Im very much in love with him as well as this family. At times I just hate myself...

"Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again"

Sucks Big Time!

Down with a bad flu and painful throat. Fever too..Damn! But I still have like tonnes of this freaki ng reports to complete....I hate it..Just simply hate it.And to think that I have to drag myself to work tomorrow for that freaking T&D meeting...arrgghhh..the thought of it just irks me right now. Feel like crying. Damn fustrated...Sometimes I wish so much for a msg from him but when he finally msg over..its nothing else but....broke his promises so many times that I find it so hard...so very hard to wanna believe him anymore..Agn and agn...I tell myself he will keep to his promise..but agn & agn...Im wrong!
Arrgghhh....Im so fustrated now...Someone pls help me!!!! I feel sick..need to see a doc...called him like a hundred times...Hp not on. What the hell man! Mr Lim Chuan Boon!!! Where are you?? Why off the phone?? Who are u with?
KNN lah..just managed to get thru like after 20 fucking mins..told me hp low batt..so he charging.
Ok..I cant go on further...I just cant keep my cool nw...
I hate everything..everything...I wanna die...

Accepting the pain & getting ready for Success

Busy for past couple of days. Both kids were sick on mon, had to take urgent leave to bring them to the doc and that cost me $168! Super ex but then bo pian, as long as kids get well and going. Was abit mad that kids getting abit out of hand..temper also getting from bad to worst. Was told by Angie that whenever in-laws are home, they nvr allow the kids to get scolded when they are naughty. Blew my top at Ashley but heart really pain after that..Anyway...monday was nothing but just staying home watching kids.
Back to work on tues, nothing good or bad happened..havent been like that for a long time so I kinda appreciate the quiet moments. Met up with Fennie and was invited for her wedding in dec. So happy for her...lately, so many ppl ard me are getting hitched and sometimes thinking back to the time I got married...well..simple and I wished I could do much more. But then agn..I know I have nothing to regret cz Im still with the same man :)

Starting to organise Ashley's birthday...She's been telling me so much abt her classmates birthday and I really wish to do something for her to make her birthday a memorable one. But once I started the planning, gosh..it was not easy. But at least for now, I have 16 kids on the list...damn, I didnt have this kinda birthdays when I was young...hahahah....
Just when I thought my day was going quite well...haiz...
Called him a while ago to tell him Im not going for class, he answered the call in a super happy and energetic tone, I was happy cz so far I knew I was the only one with private nbr that would call him. So it makes me glad that at least he was expecting my call but.....I was so wrong...the moment he heard my voice, his tone changed and before I could go further into the conversation, the line went dead due to reception problem. So I called agn..and this time round, his tone was different. I was immediately hit straight in the heart...So I asked him in a casually as to why his tone changed when he knew it was me, his reply "Aberthen"...I was hurt but when I asked further, I knew immediately he was kinda lost for words so I decided not to probe further..and deep dwn inside...I hope he knows this little action from him do hurt me alot..whether he meant it or he doesnt..he still did hurt me...
Okie...gtg...just got his sms...he's here..

What is Love???

He just went out...he started to speak to me...but it was becz of $ agn. Damn!! I simply hate it.
Anyway, I found out something by chance today, heart was damn pain. What I have seen has given me an even bigger determination to change my looks...Maybe Im not slim enough...maybe my breast is not big enough..nw I know wher I lose out.
Just a while ago, he screamed directly into Ashley's ears..I was so upset. Ive seen papers abt hw kids lose their hearing..I was so worried..but I cant deny the fact that the kids were pushing their luck...for the whole of today..I feel so fustrated. Kids making too much noise, he on the other end just couldnt stop torturing me mentally.
I feel like Im going insane soon..I hate this fucking feeling..
If I could choose...I wish I am a millionaire...
I nvr believe that love can be bought but nw....I cant find any reason not to believe.
I dun think he love me anymore...cz if he really loves me, he will nvr allow me to feel this way...

Once broken..nvr the same anymore..

Yet another weekend..was holding high hopes that this weekend would be a pleasant one but Im so wrong. Early morning woke up kana shouted at him agn. Poor Ashley was also scolded.
As usual, I thought he would send Ashley for her class and then maybe we could have breakfast together...but when we woke up him, he was super unhappy. Guess Ashley expected what her father's reaction wld be too cz when I told her to wake him up for the last time, she didnt want and even said her father wld scold her..true enough..he did..
I am really at a lost...just yesterday, he sms me when I was out with Jaz & gang..I was so happy..plus when I got home, he was slping on our bed...I really thought things were getting better, I thought we could have a good sunday out as a family but why is he so cold towards me in just a night? What have I done?
Angie send Ashley for her class & I was in the living room playing my PSP...I just didnt want to aggrevate the matter so I stayed away..but the moment I came back to the room as I wanted to blog...he snap at me agn...
Room was dark & I cldnt see the keyboard clearly..thats y i draw the curtains up...I wanted to explain but I knew we would probably end up arguing agn...so I just kept quiet...does he really hate me so much? I just feel that every single thing I does just irritates him..
Im feeling so shitty nw...but there's no one I cld turn to nw...Thank God for the invention of blog..just like a personal diary except that we dont have to write..hahaha...

Im so bored!!! Its sunday...how can I waste my weekend after a tired week at work? Arrgghh..
People says that weekends are family day...bullshit!!! I just hate weekends. I hate my life...I wish Im dead..then at least I dont get a chance to irritate him further..and he wont be so unhappy anymore...
For now..I can only force myself to smile....for my babies...

Kids School Orientation

Just got back from the kids school orientation..many parents were there to see their kid's future sch..Next year will be a new start for Shan & Im getting worried. But gd thing for Ashley is that her classmates remains the same so at least there will be familiar faces for her.
After the principle's talk, went up to the classes to take a look...then I heard Almira asking Ashley how come her daddy not there...it was at that point that I felt the hurt agn..I wished he was there with us. But its ok...I know he had to work..plus I doubt he will wanna go with us too..

It was just yesterday when he said he still love me but last night, we slept apart agn..why is he doing this?? What does he really want and wat is he thinking? Laogong..I miss u so much..
Forcing myself to leave u alone is really a torture...but I guess he feels happy that way.

Liana just called to say she on the way to pick me up...today we gonna havea small gathering to celebrate Jaz, Fiz & Alfred's birthday. First time my dept having picnic..hahaha..and everyone had to prepare food...okok...blog agn soon..
Gtg get ready..

So near yet so far...

Was reading the news abt this man who committed suicide by jumping into the Tigers Den at the zoo..Sad case. Life is so full of ups and dwns..we juz nvr noe what wld happen next in our life. Do we? I guess before he jumped in, he must be really depress cz the way he chose to die is really very painful..whatever it is...we hope his soul may rest in peace.
My mind is so full of thoughts now..deep now Im missing him so much though I get to see him daily. We are so near yet so far from each other. This feeling is torturing. Though he still sends me to work every morning (or rather I guess he didnt have a choice cz I always waited for him)..we dont even talk anymore. It just feels like a free taxi ride to work & I just hate it. I just miss those casual chats we usually have or rather..sometimes have. I miss him asking me "What time you knock off today" or "You have class tonight?"
Had an appt at LWM ytd, while Carol was getting things prepared, I was thinking if I sld sms and inform him where I am or what time I will be bk. Somehow I didnt becz I knew he probably wouldnt care. Inside the steam bath room, for the whole 10 mins, there was nothing on my mind except him. Got home at abt 9, as usual, he didnt speak to me, but before I went to bed, I still left his place empty for him hoping...but he still didnt. My heart was broken to see him slping on that bed without a proper blanky. I wanted to do something but Im so afraid if he wld turn down & even say hurtful things to me.
Sent him an sms this morning..told him I miss him & hw painful this is for me...till now, no reply. Am I putting my hopes too high? Will I be hurting myself more by trying too hard or putting my hopes too high? Its the 16th time that Im glancing at my hp, still nothing from him..

Today is a friday, am gonna try my best to be happy..I wish I can..anyway, my new boss just did something funny...at least I have something to make me laugh abt..class tonight..ok..shall proceed to do my draft to hand in tonight..for now..guess I still have to try and concerntrate on work & sch..

Just received an sms from him...reading those words just brought tears to my eyes. After reading it, I decided to ask him something that I needed to know badly..he replied immediately saying he still loves me and this family but he says he has no mood to talk abt this..

"If I hadn't met you, I wouldn't like you. If I hadn't liked you, I wouldn't love you. If I wouldn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do and I will"

我的心真的受伤了

灯光也暗了
音乐低声了
口中的棉花糖也融化了
窗外阴天了
人是无聊了
我的心 开始想你了

电话响起了
你要说话了
还以为你心里对我又想念了
怎么你声音变得冷淡了
是你变了
是你变了
灯光熄灭了
音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了
人是不快乐
我的心真的受伤了
我真的受伤了

电话响起了
你要说话了
还以为你心里对我又想念了
怎么你声音变得冷淡了
是你变了
是你变了
灯光熄灭了
音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了
人是不快乐

我的心真的受伤了
我的心真的受伤了
我真的受伤了

God allow everything to happen for a reason

Didnt blog ytd as I was busy sending Shan's pic for contest online and was busy getting frens to vote for him..haha..oh well..hope my little boy can win but even if he dun, it my heart, he's already a winner. Looking at both kids growing, it just warms my heart, still rmb vividly hw I carried them in my womb, hw I gone through labour..damn..that was all beautiful memories and I really wish time could go back to the past. Many things took place these 4 yrs and it certainly made a difference to my life but instead of hounding back to those unhappy thoughts, I guess we need to move on.
My day ytd was as usual...meaning? Yeah..bad! Recieved a call from Dr Loke abt my test results, I was shock but since he gave his assurance, I guess there is nothing I could do now but pray that in 6 mths time, things would improve. I always thought cancer only happens in old age but its so scary when doc tells u that you are at risk lah or you are suspected lah..Arrgghh..after his call, I was contemplating if I should inform him. What if he thinks Im adding to his prob? What if he thinks Im just seeking for self pity? In the end, as a respect since he's my husband, I decided to sms him. Thank God that his reply was not hurtful..he offered to come along with me for the next chk up.
I thought everything seems to look good ytd until..the next message from him..I really feel so tired at times..this just doesnt seem to stop. Having to anticipate agn and agn what would be coming next, its so nerve wracking. I told him how I felt, agn..he didnt understand. I wish he could stand in my shoes..he always thinks Im selfish and I refuse to understand him..but gosh..5 yrs..have I not been helpful and understanding enough? At times I really ask myself, is he taking me for granted? Does he really love me and treasure me for who I am? What happen if 1 fine day, I really walk out, will he regret or will he be happy? I have nvr been really happy anymore. I can no longer be myself and be the jovial self I used to be anymore...

Just got back from meeting, think Im gonna schedule another meeting in the afternoon so as to help occupy my mind. Day is ticking by so slowly, still have to go for class tonight. Am trying to keep my week busy so I dont have to go back early.
Now im making it sound like I dont like to go home. WRONG!! I hardly wanna go out anymore as I love to just go back home and spend time with the kids. Previously he dont usually ignore me but now, it's like Im just irritating him no matter what I do. So whenever I go bk now, I usually just stay away from him as I really dont wanna cause any unnecessary arguement. And to further avoid that...stay away from home lor..
Ytd went for slimming appt that ended at 9.30, reached home at abt 10.30. Showered and went to bed. Today have classes till 10 and I doubt he will pick me up after what happen ytd. So I guess will be home by 11 plus..tmr had arranged for slimming appt also, fri class, sat hving picnic with colleagues to celebrate 3 CCians bdae.

Insanity is knowing that what I'm doing is completely idiotic

Ever wondered who you really live for in this life? Is it for yourself or for others? I really cant help but kept wondering if this is what I really want. This just isnt the same me anymore. Getting sick of life is really the last thing I want but if this goes on, Im sure to go insane. Think Im not any further from going crazy anyway.
What is love & marriage? Isnt it suppose to be a beautiful thing where 2 people share their lives happily with equal responsibilities and less worries. Why do I have to get the opposite? Is this the kind of love and marriage im destined for? Its just not fair. I dont ask for much, I just want to be loved and cared for, I just want a small family to live with. Im not asking for millions of dollars just to stay happy. I just want a simple life. Is that asking too much?
God, I know you made everything happen for a reason, but what you have given me or allow me to go through has been so long already. Dont you know im hurting deep inside and its such a torture. What have I done that I have to be mentally and emotionally tortured in this manner? Just tell me and I would change. I promise I would do anything to make my life and this marriage work better. Take away the pains from me, pls transform my hubby.
Weekend went by bleaky except that I had some fun on saturday just before class. Met the group to celebrate Adeline's (Alvin's wife) birthday. Went to Kbox @ clementi for lunch from 11am and left at 2pm for class. It was nice how this was planned to give Adeline a surprise. Adeline was telling us that she initially thought her hubby was taking her for movies and really didnt expect a bdae surprise from us. She was also sharing how her hubby would celebrate her bdaes for her every year..damn..felt a tinge of sadness when I thought back on my birthday 8 days ago. Anyway..so happy for them. After class ended at 5pm, decided to go window shopping as I was really bored. I knew even if I had gone home straight, I would be staying home to rot...he will not take me or the kids out. Whole day, not a single call nor sms from her anyway. Went to tamp mall and CS, dunno why but everywhere I go, I could see couples and families, smiles on their faces, walking hand in hand. Mothers shopping, fathers tending to their kids..I wish he was with me. After walking for 2 hours, decided it time to go home..as I was reaching home, he drove past me at the carpark..(he later told me its becz he didnt see me)
Oh, by the way..forgot to mentioned that Ive got a rose..yeah!! wanna know who gave? was asked to do a short survey for Mary Chia Slimming Salon and in return..A rose..okok..stop it..jane must be too deprived of getting gifts, that why am just overeacting :(
Sun also went by dreadfully...maid was off, thought he would take us out but nope...only brought Ashley for her class then back home..In-laws came over so basically nothing special happen. He agn ignored me for the whole day. Not a single word from him, he stayed in the room while I..in the living room. Didnt wanna stay in the same room as Im really so afraid that it would just trigger any unnecessary quarrel..which is the last thing I want. When I say its the last thing, I really mean it..but no matter how much I had explained to him, he nvr believed me. He always thinks Im out to pick a fight...and he never would realise how much his words or his actions would hurt so badly. Right now..all I can do is keep quiet and at most times, I have learned to just stay away.

Just came back from lunch..its a rainy day. Nice to nap. Back to do reports agn...monday..hate mondays. Im switching off real soon...mind so full of him. He must be real free now cz he ever told me that whenever it rains, he will just stay in the car till rain stops..so shiok right? hehe..
This morning he sms me..same old thing..and one of his last sms was abit uncalled for. Dun understand why he have to treat me that way. But his sms brought me a step closer to understand and convince myself of who I really live for. At times I feel so manupulated by his words and actions..but yet I still gave in..if U ask me why...well, I can say its becz of the love I have for him and this family. And I really do hope one day, he can really see and understand everything I have done. So for now, all I can ask for is God's power for me to stay strong and stay in faith for a better future.

After a long time..Im back agn..

Was reading back my past blogs and realised that its been almost 6 mths since I last pen down my thoughts. Ok..if you are wondering where all the blogs are..deleted and trashed!! Why? Because its been 5 days since my birthday, so new beginning for this blog as well. Been wanting to blog but no time..okok..probably an excuse..Alright Im lazy..but look..Welcome me bk..hehe
Suddenly realise that blogging today isnt such a great idea afterall, thought I could start the re-birth of my blog with some happy happenings but sad to say..no..
My morning already started with an unhappy arguement I had with my hubby. As agreed, I just tolerated and kept my mouth shut though I was hurting so badly. Sometimes I feel so at lost, not knowing what to do. When I voice my opinions and wish to express myself to allow him to see the things I do, we always ended up with both of us shouting on top of our voices and eventually leaving me in buckets of tears, however, when I choose to just bite my teeth and tolerated, allowing him to say what he feels and thinks, it ends up causing pain and hurts cz my intentions can never be brought across. Just this morning, I had to go through that similar process..holding back tears, I just listened to what he has to say and when he finally hung up on me, I wish I had a blanket with me where I can just hide myself inside and cry to my heart's content. What hurts most was an sms that came after that...the 4 letter F word :~(
As though thats not enough for me to take..I still had to manage some things that is happening at work now. Shall not go into the details but God..give me the strength and faith to strive on. Just had meeting with my new lady boss..jia lat..new changes..not for the team (Phew..) but for me (Sob sob)..but nvm lah..thats what Im here for..just hope my team understands..