Didnt blog ytd as I was busy sending Shan's pic for contest online and was busy getting frens to vote for him..haha..oh well..hope my little boy can win but even if he dun, it my heart, he's already a winner. Looking at both kids growing, it just warms my heart, still rmb vividly hw I carried them in my womb, hw I gone through labour..damn..that was all beautiful memories and I really wish time could go back to the past. Many things took place these 4 yrs and it certainly made a difference to my life but instead of hounding back to those unhappy thoughts, I guess we need to move on.
My day ytd was as usual...meaning? Yeah..bad! Recieved a call from Dr Loke abt my test results, I was shock but since he gave his assurance, I guess there is nothing I could do now but pray that in 6 mths time, things would improve. I always thought cancer only happens in old age but its so scary when doc tells u that you are at risk lah or you are suspected lah..Arrgghh..after his call, I was contemplating if I should inform him. What if he thinks Im adding to his prob? What if he thinks Im just seeking for self pity? In the end, as a respect since he's my husband, I decided to sms him. Thank God that his reply was not hurtful..he offered to come along with me for the next chk up.
I thought everything seems to look good ytd until..the next message from him..I really feel so tired at times..this just doesnt seem to stop. Having to anticipate agn and agn what would be coming next, its so nerve wracking. I told him how I felt, agn..he didnt understand. I wish he could stand in my shoes..he always thinks Im selfish and I refuse to understand him..but gosh..5 yrs..have I not been helpful and understanding enough? At times I really ask myself, is he taking me for granted? Does he really love me and treasure me for who I am? What happen if 1 fine day, I really walk out, will he regret or will he be happy? I have nvr been really happy anymore. I can no longer be myself and be the jovial self I used to be anymore...
Just got back from meeting, think Im gonna schedule another meeting in the afternoon so as to help occupy my mind. Day is ticking by so slowly, still have to go for class tonight. Am trying to keep my week busy so I dont have to go back early.
Now im making it sound like I dont like to go home. WRONG!! I hardly wanna go out anymore as I love to just go back home and spend time with the kids. Previously he dont usually ignore me but now, it's like Im just irritating him no matter what I do. So whenever I go bk now, I usually just stay away from him as I really dont wanna cause any unnecessary arguement. And to further avoid that...stay away from home lor..
Ytd went for slimming appt that ended at 9.30, reached home at abt 10.30. Showered and went to bed. Today have classes till 10 and I doubt he will pick me up after what happen ytd. So I guess will be home by 11 plus..tmr had arranged for slimming appt also, fri class, sat hving picnic with colleagues to celebrate 3 CCians bdae.
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