Ever wondered who you really live for in this life? Is it for yourself or for others? I really cant help but kept wondering if this is what I really want. This just isnt the same me anymore. Getting sick of life is really the last thing I want but if this goes on, Im sure to go insane. Think Im not any further from going crazy anyway.
What is love & marriage? Isnt it suppose to be a beautiful thing where 2 people share their lives happily with equal responsibilities and less worries. Why do I have to get the opposite? Is this the kind of love and marriage im destined for? Its just not fair. I dont ask for much, I just want to be loved and cared for, I just want a small family to live with. Im not asking for millions of dollars just to stay happy. I just want a simple life. Is that asking too much?
God, I know you made everything happen for a reason, but what you have given me or allow me to go through has been so long already. Dont you know im hurting deep inside and its such a torture. What have I done that I have to be mentally and emotionally tortured in this manner? Just tell me and I would change. I promise I would do anything to make my life and this marriage work better. Take away the pains from me, pls transform my hubby.
Weekend went by bleaky except that I had some fun on saturday just before class. Met the group to celebrate Adeline's (Alvin's wife) birthday. Went to Kbox @ clementi for lunch from 11am and left at 2pm for class. It was nice how this was planned to give Adeline a surprise. Adeline was telling us that she initially thought her hubby was taking her for movies and really didnt expect a bdae surprise from us. She was also sharing how her hubby would celebrate her bdaes for her every year..damn..felt a tinge of sadness when I thought back on my birthday 8 days ago. Anyway..so happy for them. After class ended at 5pm, decided to go window shopping as I was really bored. I knew even if I had gone home straight, I would be staying home to rot...he will not take me or the kids out. Whole day, not a single call nor sms from her anyway. Went to tamp mall and CS, dunno why but everywhere I go, I could see couples and families, smiles on their faces, walking hand in hand. Mothers shopping, fathers tending to their kids..I wish he was with me. After walking for 2 hours, decided it time to go home..as I was reaching home, he drove past me at the carpark..(he later told me its becz he didnt see me)
Oh, by the way..forgot to mentioned that Ive got a rose..yeah!! wanna know who gave? was asked to do a short survey for Mary Chia Slimming Salon and in return..A rose..okok..stop it..jane must be too deprived of getting gifts, that why am just overeacting :(
Sun also went by dreadfully...maid was off, thought he would take us out but nope...only brought Ashley for her class then back home..In-laws came over so basically nothing special happen. He agn ignored me for the whole day. Not a single word from him, he stayed in the room while I..in the living room. Didnt wanna stay in the same room as Im really so afraid that it would just trigger any unnecessary quarrel..which is the last thing I want. When I say its the last thing, I really mean it..but no matter how much I had explained to him, he nvr believed me. He always thinks Im out to pick a fight...and he never would realise how much his words or his actions would hurt so badly. Right now..all I can do is keep quiet and at most times, I have learned to just stay away.
Just came back from lunch..its a rainy day. Nice to nap. Back to do reports agn...monday..hate mondays. Im switching off real soon...mind so full of him. He must be real free now cz he ever told me that whenever it rains, he will just stay in the car till rain stops..so shiok right? hehe..
This morning he sms me..same old thing..and one of his last sms was abit uncalled for. Dun understand why he have to treat me that way. But his sms brought me a step closer to understand and convince myself of who I really live for. At times I feel so manupulated by his words and actions..but yet I still gave in..if U ask me why...well, I can say its becz of the love I have for him and this family. And I really do hope one day, he can really see and understand everything I have done. So for now, all I can ask for is God's power for me to stay strong and stay in faith for a better future.
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