Its a quiet & lonely christmas day!

It's christmas eve today but seems like nothing special anyway. Dont even have the christmas mood nor any christmas plans. My feelings now are just simply to hard to explain in words. Everyone ard me seems to be anticipating christmas countdown tonite..but for me...haiz...
Being invited for a christmas lunch party by zahara later on..then gonna have lunch at suntec. Still yet to get christmas gifts for the kids. Damn!!! Pretty last min but hope to get better offer and discounts.
He has to work tonite as well and as for me...well...will wait for him then...honestly, I dunno whats the road ahead of us but for now, can only take a step at a time. This morning when he dropped me off, we gave each other a kiss on the lips...its been so long since I felt that few seconds of gladness :)
On the way to work, he told me some things...I kept quiet and didnt wanna say anything cz there are two meanings to what he said...its either he cares for me or..he just wants no nonsence..so which is which..deep down..I really hope and wish that it wld be the first..
I know this road is hard to walk on...but as long as we have the faith, Im sure we can do it...not forgetting a gd fren I have as well...who said he will walk us thru this together...Really appreciate his help and concern and also those midnight rush to our place when help is needed. I must truly admit that gd frens are really hard to come by and this is one friendship I wld surely treasure and I hope hubby will understand that there are no hidden agenda...we all want to walk out of this..
Really miss those happy times with hubby..missed those days when he brings us fishing, makan, cycling and many more...Cant wait for that time to come bk..though many things have happened and to know that Im still standing here means how much I love him. I hope he can see tat one day....if I dun love him...I wont bear 2 beautiful children for him le...rite? nvm...must have faith!

Fear is what I feel right now...

These past few days have been nothing but a tiring and fearful experience. Every night, walking back home is a chore, been dreading it but it came to a point whereby I cant give up now. I have to hold on for as long as I can. I really dont know how long more & Ive been askin myself why this have to happen to me. This isnt the kind of marriage I want but deep dwn, I love him too much to let go now. Especially when things are the way it is now. Many a times, I feel like just leaving everything but wouldnt I be too selfish to do that? At the same time..does he see & feel for me at all.
Here I am worrying every night, fearing every night...does anyone knows?? I want this whole thing to end...Please...

A letter to God ~ Im losing faith...Please Help

Dear Lord,

You know exactly hw lost and fearful your child is feeling right now. My mind is in a complete mess and I absolutely cannot think straight. Please Lord Jesus, give me the strength & faith to walk on this tough journey which you have set for me. I always believed that you made everything happened for a reason and likewise for now, however, cant you see that your child is already at the bottom? Why are you doing this to me? Exams are in a couple of weeks time, my job is on the hook if this were to go on, I would go crazy having to manage all these, why cant you help me Lord? Why have you forsaken me? Why are you doing this to me?
Did u sense the fear in me when I got home ytd? Didnt you know I was faking a brave front, I was dying to escape all these and just hide away in the darkness but I know I cant. You must have a reason for doing this to me and allowing me to walk thru this journey of hell, tell me Lord, tell me what will be gained from this horrible episode? Didnt you show me the path to One Hope? Didnt you plan for me to meet ppl like Mr Wong, Reverand Tan and the others? Didnt you show me that miracles do happen when my hubby had decided to walk to One Hope also? But why when things are going the way it should be, it just have to fall apart agn? I cant seem to search for an answer? Pls tell me, send me your angels and tell me what sld be my next step?
I will not forget having to walk from the carpark to the flat feeling nothing but fear and the unexpected..when I knew and saw nothing dwnstairs, I still couldnt help but know that what Im feeling is definitely not wrong..and true enough, my worst fear was confirmed. I knew you guided me to remain calm throughout and be able to tell Boon what to do..but Lord Jesus, do you know my heart was beating 3 times as much as its normal speed, did you know I wanted to cry out, did you know my heart was aching and I was having cold feet? Where were you Lord when I needed you most?
Whole of today was nothing but jittery..mind totally switched off at work and as a result, I was reprimanded by my boss in front of so many other colleagues..Lord, did you allow that to happen or issit the works of the devils? Hope was agn and agn crushed, screaming and searching for some answers...Please Lord, I beg you...pls take away my pain and my sorrow. Pls take away my worries, my fears, my sadness.....
I have a bad feeling agn...will something happen tonight as well? Please my lord, pls help prevent anything bad from happening. Pls send your angels to cast the evil thoughts of others and be able to understand our pain right now. Yes Lord, we know who was the caused of this but I believe he is regretting his past actions and may want to repent. I know as well that I can nvr speak for him but for the sake of me and the little kids...Pls spare us. Pls give us a chance and give us the energy to fight on. I beg u Lord..I beg U...
Show me the light and the way...show me signs of the next action I should take and what I should do. Come to me Lord...
I need u...I really do...I cant fight on any further...

I am tired. Help me!

Sleepy...

Feeling slpy and stoning nw. Loads of things are running in my mind nw. Feeling lost and confused abt certain thoughts and feelings. Not sure where I sld be seeking the answers that Im dying to know but I guess all I can do now is just take a little step at a time.
Today is rather a slow day, Boss on Mc..hehe..but was busy clearing the team's audit. Sibeh sian at times. Dunno if I love this job or not..ahaha..Ironic huh? Maybe too comfy with this job thats why dun wanna leave bt on the other hand, getting sick and tired of the work and some ppl..no names mentioned. kekeke..and becz of this, my lungs are getting darker and dirtier..LOL...wanna know why? Cz smoke alot mah. Dun think can quit smoking liao...
Ashley's chinese sch called..Die! Sch fees not paid yet :~(
Bloody 700 over bucks for both my darlings to take mandarin..but bo pian lah...since mummy me cant teach them well in that language, have to sacrifice lor.
Just called home and Ashley is simply so cute..she's grown so much and now she talk just like a big girl. She wanted to call her daddy but I guess he is busy cz he hung up the call...Miss the kids so much now but I miss him even more...

God is my way & my light

Dunno to consider it a miracle or not..but he had finally agreed to come with me to One Hope. For now, I can only thank god's graces for him allowing my hubby to take the 1st step out. At this point in time, I just feel so lost and drained...like a bloody lost child in the woods. Came to a point where I can no longer find any tears to cry, or energy to scream..just wanna hide in a hole and just nvr see the light agn.
Is this what I really want? Is this what Love is all abt? Probably..sacrificing what I have left for a man I call my husband..thats what Love is all abt. I guess that really is.
Thursday seems to be forever...how I wished its just tmr or even today..cant wait for him to see what all these are abt. He called me this afternoon...from his tone, I knew he wants to change and I knew very well he had regretted his actions..with that, I really pray hard to see more miracles...

Yearning for your love

Saturday used to be a day I yearn for cz it would mean we can go out as a family. Right now, is just like having lost my family without any warning signs. It has been almost 2 mths nw since you last took us out. Just ytd, you had hurt me once agn. I really wonder what I have done to deserve such a treatment from you. Isnt marriage supposed to be a blissful thing? Why arent I getting the kinda love I need from you? You called me once agn and demanded for $ agn. I told u I didnt have and you started hurling abuses at me and blamed me for the predictment that you are in right now. We all wanted to help you, but you refuses to listen to us and insist that we are unable to help. Darling, hw can I convince you that help is just ard the corner and all we are waiting for now is for you to step out and take the next step.
After last night's abuses from you, I started to ask myself agn & agn if you are sill the man I use to know, the man I chose to married. U wanted me out of the hse. Whatever was said, I will nvr forget 1 thing u said to me, you said if I dun move out, u will beat me up each time you see me. Those words cut right thru my heart. You had forgotten the pain I went thru just to give u 2 beautiful children. Everything was forgotten...
Currently Im also struggling to sustain this family. With the amounting bills I have, I still have to go on. There is no one I can tok to..I wish I cld tell u my problems..I wish u could be there as a husband to listen to me but I know I just hv to keep on dreaming. Baby, do u know that Im also hving to worry abt the loans & credit card bills? Who can I then tok to?? So pls baby, pls stop torturing me further. I really cant take it anymore....Im going crazy soon...
I Love You so much that I m trying to hold on for as long as possible but Im really afraid that I may not be able to hold on any longer..and if that day should come...I only hv to say Im sorry & I will be watching you from above...

Words for my Darling...

Feeling tired and bored as usual. back to work after a long weekend rest. Spent public holiday playing mj with Cisco gang, kana bao during 1 rd..haha..end up lost close to $25. Haha..After that had dinner before going home. Sometimes I ask myself, how long do I really wanna go on like that? Getting frens to spend their time with me so that I wont feel so lonely at home. Even when he is home, we dont talk and thats what it hurts most. Heard him on the phone with his frens and he could actually laugh but with me, he dun even wanna give me a 2nd look.

Laogong, do you really love me anot? Do you still want this marriage? Can you pls tell me? When I got home yesterday, you were not home either..Ashley & I waited for you till abt 1am..and when I suddenly jolt up from a dream, the room was dark, I searched for my hp and realised it was already 2am and you were still nt home. My heart is aching so badly, wondering where have you gone? Who are you with? Then I heard the door opened, I immediately pretended to sleep, you went to change and walked over to my side of the bed, my heart was beating so fast, I thought you would kiss me or hug me..I was anticipating, however, as the seconds ticked by, I opened my eyes and realised that you walked over only to get your bolster. I was devastated. I tried to get back to slp..but before I could doze off, your hp rang. Then I heard you deleting your sms-es...I couldnt help it but my tears just flowed out. I had to control myself becz I didnt dare let you know I was awake. My heart was aching so badly...I wish I could just jump off the building and end my life there...I immediately prayed and asked God for strength....A kind of strength that I needed more than anything else..
Baby...Im still counting down to thursday..a day which you have promised to come with me. I hope you will keep your word..however, a voice in me says not to have too high hope. But no matter what..I know you will try your best to keep to the promise though many promises have been broken. I hope my sincerity and tolerance will make you see one day the love I have for you. The day I said "I do" is the day Ive entrusted my life to you. Pls know that...
I know you may nvr even get to read this cz you dun even know I have a blog but then agn..this is the only way for me to feel as if I am talking to you..the only closeness I can get.

I Love You Laogong..and really hope you love me too..

The un-confirmed Miracle

Attended Fennie's wedding today, she look simply beautiful. Each time I attend a wedding, Im always overwhelmed with mixed emotions..how I wish I cld time bk the time andgo thru evryting from the start. I will nvr forget the time I wore my wedding gown, walking dwn the aisle with everyone looking at us..its just a beautiful memory that can nvr be erased from my mind. Till this very day, I stil questioned myself if he ever loved me as much as I had loved him. Missing him so badly..so I decided to give him a call. But we ended up quarrelling..I really wonder if he ever treats me as his wife. He asked me "why must u ask so many questions?" Cant a wife ask him anything? And why must he lie to me? He told me he could not attend his daughter's birthday becz he had to work that night..he said he cld not pick us up cz he had something to attend in the west, I believed he was working...he got home at 4am that night...and just awhile ago when I asked him, his reply was "Sorry hor..that day I havent work yet." Those answer simply broke my heart. Why must you lie to me? There are so many questions left unanswered in my head.
Dear Lord, pls give me the answers I yearn to hear. Is my marriage all abt money? What have I done to deserve such treatment? Does he want to let go? Many a times I tell myself to give this marriage and this love another chance...maybe he would show me the love I had yearn for the whole of my life...but hw long can I wait? Does he noe hw torturing this few months have been for me? Does he noe I was on the verge to end my life that night?
Will he be upset if I really leave this world? Death...not too far from me...take me away..take my pain together away. I cant take it anymore..I really cant. However, each time I thought of my 2 little angels, I ask myself what would happen to them after I die? Will they be well taken care of?
Guess its time to plan their path before I take my next step...and should the day really come...I hope he knows I loved him all my life and this marriage means too much for me to end in a divorce..therefore, I choose to end my life.......

This feeling is just so weird

Slept for whole day..body feeling very weak. Was away from work today. Did lots of reflection and was asking myself why Im feeling this way. Its just very weird. Today whole morning and noon, he kept sms-ing me asking for $ agn. As much as I wanted to give in to him, I know I had to stop giving in to his requests. If this goes on..he will nvr change. Still hving a hangover from last nite's drinking. Lots of things running in my mind now. Im so confused and messed up.
I dont ask for much, I just want to be loved and cared for, is that too much to ask for?
Guess everything had happen for a reason...a reason that I may nvr know...