The un-confirmed Miracle

Attended Fennie's wedding today, she look simply beautiful. Each time I attend a wedding, Im always overwhelmed with mixed emotions..how I wish I cld time bk the time andgo thru evryting from the start. I will nvr forget the time I wore my wedding gown, walking dwn the aisle with everyone looking at us..its just a beautiful memory that can nvr be erased from my mind. Till this very day, I stil questioned myself if he ever loved me as much as I had loved him. Missing him so badly..so I decided to give him a call. But we ended up quarrelling..I really wonder if he ever treats me as his wife. He asked me "why must u ask so many questions?" Cant a wife ask him anything? And why must he lie to me? He told me he could not attend his daughter's birthday becz he had to work that night..he said he cld not pick us up cz he had something to attend in the west, I believed he was working...he got home at 4am that night...and just awhile ago when I asked him, his reply was "Sorry hor..that day I havent work yet." Those answer simply broke my heart. Why must you lie to me? There are so many questions left unanswered in my head.
Dear Lord, pls give me the answers I yearn to hear. Is my marriage all abt money? What have I done to deserve such treatment? Does he want to let go? Many a times I tell myself to give this marriage and this love another chance...maybe he would show me the love I had yearn for the whole of my life...but hw long can I wait? Does he noe hw torturing this few months have been for me? Does he noe I was on the verge to end my life that night?
Will he be upset if I really leave this world? Death...not too far from me...take me away..take my pain together away. I cant take it anymore..I really cant. However, each time I thought of my 2 little angels, I ask myself what would happen to them after I die? Will they be well taken care of?
Guess its time to plan their path before I take my next step...and should the day really come...I hope he knows I loved him all my life and this marriage means too much for me to end in a divorce..therefore, I choose to end my life.......