A cold & rainy Christmas Eve..

Totally have to Christmasy mood even though it is Christmas Eve today...The cold and rainy day spells my mood so clearly. Bii not ard cz he went for some crappy kite flying thingy with his dept. Really dun understand why it had to be on this day. Plans crushed. Arrgghh....Disappointed. Hinted to bii many times to see if he can choose not to go but unsuccessful. Since it is not complusory, I really dun get it. So eager to tell him what I had in mind but I couldnt..or else, its no longer a surprise, right? Anyway...dun want to think abt it now..
Hmm.... time to go home...shall go home and see the babies instead :)
Ta-da....Merry Christmas....

2 more days...

2 more days to christmas...and yet dun have the christmas mood. Unlike younger days where I will be looking forward to every christmas..where carols are going on everywhere, church plays, family dinner, etc. No more of such things and it can get abit sad at times thinking abt it. This period seems so dull and I dunno why but feel a tinge of sadness in me. There is something missing but what is it? I cant tell either. No more christmas tree, no more anticipation of presents..where have that feeling gone to?
Ever since Uncle Jeff and Aunt Dee not talking, we no longer meet and have turkey together. And I seriously miss those days. This year, in-laws gonna have gathering over at punggol and nope, Im definitely not going...Ah Pek also invited us over for BBQ but why should I go? Nope, not going either. Christmas this year is just gonna be the wedding and time spend with bii..though we wont have much personal time together but we'll still see each other :)
There are plans for countdown at TD on 24th...hmm...should I go? Long day after that..Shall decide agn.
Going over Leipan's plc for gathering this evening..so excited and I cant wait to let my buddy know who he/she is. Hmm...few more hours to go so I must keep it a secret :P But I seriously hope my buddy will like the gift.

Bad timing

Why do I have to fall sick now? :(
Tmr is the day and I wanna bring out my best but why now?
Suddenly feel so miserable..sob sob..

Short update

Been a long time since Ive update my blog...schedule had been pretty tight as well. Now that I have abt 15 mins before knock off time, tot I might just drop by for a short update.
More than a month since my last post...not alot have happened cz things between bii and myself had been extremely wonderful. Of cz there were minor disagreement but I can proudly say that there were absolutely no tears or fights. Bii had been so sweet and nice to me. He's more rational now or can I say, he's finally feeling the love I have for him. Time spent had also increase and I really love it. He no longer cause me any worries for staying out late every night...Im so thankful he understands how I feel.
Ytd was Ashley Darling's 5th bdae..a little girl but mind you..she had a whole string of parties. 3 Cakes for her too...will update pictures in the next post. Will share more of her bdae parties too..
Gtg..before bii makes noise..hee...

Bad day...

Today is a bad bad day! And its a fri! Damn it! One after another. Really cannot take it anymore. Work stress is piling up on a friday..how the hell can I allow that to happen?? Oh No!
This case that case....and of cz...something else...Im going crazy!

Went to hospital this afternoon...if only they had a bed for me immediately then at least I can escape from all these for some time....

Fear..the only thing on my mind that's taking all my energy

Emotions controls every single one of us but for some people, I realise depression barely exists. But for the rest of us, we are doomed to live depressed or at least for me...so to speak. Depression makes me unhappy, makes me think of suicide, makes me think about the wonders of death and of cz...depression causes me to hurt the ones I love day by day in a way I barely could even tell. I wanna get help but never seem to be able to. Even when a shred of hope left in me hoping that those I love will save me from this black hole that I keep falling into...I still hold on..but yet depression controls us, controls me, my feelings and my mind..and I battle it every day with tiredness and with despair.
I feel so lost, lost in my own world. His kind words and gentle thoughts, I do hear them but how come it seems so distant..so far away? I have pushed everyone away, wondering why do I have to stay here all alone, all by myself. Why? My mind races with all these thoughts, thoughts of pain and thought of loss. A loss which Im soon nearing..a reality Ive tried to accept but I cant. Why?
November had always meant to be a start of a new year for me, new beginning as I journey on to a new age of life, new happenings, something that I would look forward to and say to myself "Hey, you are a year older! Forget the past and start agn!" Be it the following year is gonna be a good one or a bad one..at least I have a chance to start agn..but this time round, Im so not looking forward to November. Yes, it marks a new beginning but it also marks the day of a loss. I dun quite understanding why the pain of loss is too much to handle. Is that why I cant say sorry for being selfish and cant express my support for him? I sense it coming when we first spoke abt it but yet I was constantly in self denial. I have heard it somewhere that big gain big loss is a risk, no gain no loss is security. Small gain small loss is safe, small gain no loss is wise. Big gain no loss is luck and of cz small gain big loss is what a fool will do. So which is which now?
We sometimes say we need a change as changes in life would mean a new start but yet we often fail to ponder if the change is really for the best. He's moving on but not getting too far, the path he's on may cause him no change but yet my deepest fear is causing me so much pain. Does anyone know?

Sometimes when people get hurt, even the strongest ones may need comfort. Im no different...Im human too..

Waiting for time to pass....

Baby got me an Iphone for my birthday..yes..abit early but yup!! I got an Iphone..hehe...Happy is the word but somehow part of me feel a tinge of pain for him. Cost him a thousand plus for the phone and on top of that, he bought 2 sets so that we could have the same phones..o when I sense some kind of pain from him, I shared my sentiments with him but ended up getting a scolding from him. @#$%^ :~(
Anyway, this is the best gift other than a nokia 6510 which grandma bought for me 10 yrs back. Feel so loved and pampered..hee...but dunno why, part of me inside still feels unhappy over his decision to move on. Been trying hard to accept but apparently this is gonna be a super tough task. Even before his departure, I already start to feel the distance between us. We used to be constantly contactable and he will often drop by just to say hi..but lately, all these routine had lessen by alot. Haiz...what is it gonna be like if he leaves. No more daily lunches, no more short calls or messages?? I dunno and I really dun dare to think abt it.
Told baby I wanna leave, been eagerly searching for jobs...my gut feel (something that he hates abt) tells me that he'd probably thinks Im doing this as some sort of revenge or getting back. Haiz...I hope he dun tink it that way cz thats not the case...
Yawn...feel so slpy and drained...suddenly in need of charging myself. Been thru quite a rollar coaster ride this few weeks and I know its time to take a break...looking for to the chalet this weekend plus my KL trip too!!! Yoo hoo...Just wanna let go of everything..
haha..something just came to my mind, maybe I should just suggest to baby...book a hotel, get lots of alcohol and just drink...of cz if u are wondering..just the 2 of us...hee....idea ah??
okok...time to go back to work...sob sob!!

I really wonder.....

At baby's plc now, kinda nothing to do..if you are wondering where is he..well...snoring away in front of me. Finished surfing fb and now, basically nothing to do. Saw his status on fb, suddenly feel this squeezing pain in my heart. Suddenly dawn upon to me how selfish he can be. Why cant he just make me happy as what he had always promised to? How cruel can he get knowing that Im already going thru so much, cant he sacrifice for me at least for now? Why issit that I can be willing to turn a job offer down if he had said no but yet he cant do it for me? Does he really love me? Does my words weigh anything? Right now he is just lying an arm length away from me but why do I feel that he is so far away from me?? Baby feels like a stranger now to me...why?
Somehow I cant seem to be able to accept what its gonna be like when he leaves. He claim nothing much would change but Im very doubtful. Baby would probably promise me anything now in order to convince me of the move but one thing he doesnt noe...Im hurting quietly inside. We will let time show and hopefully he doesnt regret the decision he has made against my request & objection...or maybe he wont even regret....haiz...
Is loving one so deeply causing me this pain? Why does it have to be this way? I really wonder... Lately havent tried so hard to mantain this relationship. Doing all I can to make things happen Wonder if he does feel the love and the effort Ive put in. I really wonder...
Is it fair to let everyone ard me be happy and yet I have to quietly swallow the pain and unhappiness? I also wonder...can anyone put an answer to all my wonders?
For now all I can say and wish is that for the decision that he made, there shall be no regrets. I've been so u like myself for this relationship compared to the past I have...and at times I really hate the person I am right now. I hate the possessiveness, I hate the insecurity...I wasnt like that, who am I now? Why am I like that? Arrgghh..Disgusting!
Should I let loose and will I let loose? What will happen? I really wonder....

Gloomy Fri..

Feeling very vexed right now. Baby seems abit distant towards me..I dunno why. Probably Im just thinking too much. Baby has his own problems to manage and yet I cant do much but add on to his troubles. What a jerk I am. Baby's mum went for check up ytd and results not very good and she needs to go for another round of check up on the 15th. From the call we had last night, I know he's very worried, I am too but as much as I wanna chip in to help, baby rejected my offer. So all I can do now is just to be there when Im required. Sad right...?
Shan had a very bad cut on his teeny weeny finger ytd, blood couldnt stop flowing. Panicked and took him to the hosp. On the way there, I called baby a few times cz I was afraid..Blood!!! Arrghh..but he didnt answer. Got me thinking agn cz just a few minutes before that, we were still smsing each other and I saw his fb status update was also ard that timing..baby..where were u when I needed u agn :(
Nearly vomited but glad I didnt faint either Haha..Thank God he is ok now. Poor little boy. He was brave, didnt cry alot. Instead he was asking me why mummy was crying. Haha....So funny.


Time check: 1359hrs

Just got back from lunch. True enuff, he brought the news up agn. There was basically no point for me to voice my opinion. we spoke on 3 occasions and yet it nvr end. Anyway, baby's decision is made up more or less. I guess I just have to accept it no matter what.
Gonna go back to work now..Dun wanna think of anything.

Sick.....

Still feeling feverish. Body aching & throat hurts too. Hate this feeling. Body telling me to go home and rest but mind telling me I cant. Damn! Calls still quite managable for now, 2 ppl down..sianz... 1 more day to weekend but still have to return to work :(
Dunno if I can make it till sat..just wanna close my eyes and sleep..sleep for a long long time.

Im forgotten...

Not feeling too good..took med but still feel super uncomfy. Cant afford to fall sick now cz campaign starts tmr and I need to be in. Haiz..Baby's not ard today and yet no calls from him except 1 sms at 1115hrs. Its way past 2pm already but nothing heard from him. Dun they have lunch time? Just ytd we had a talk and he said so much to me but now...
Guess he's enjoying himself at the retreat that he totally forgotten that his gf is here waiting for his call especially when sick and just needed him.
Dun think Im able to hold on till 6pm, gonna leave to see the doc and have some rest before the war begins tmr...Ta Ta..

To the world he may be one person, but to one person he may be the world

Why do I have this very weird feeling in me? I find it so hard to explain. Is this some kind of insecurity or plain jealously? For a moment I was very touched when he asked me if I would like to join him for dinner with his team of ppl, its a kind of reassurance that I thought he was giving me. He gave me a choice if I wanted to go with him, if not he will choose not to go. I must say..I was indeed happy and relive but that feeling was shortlived. Cz as the conversation continued and I asked who was going, he mentioned her name on the maybe list. And then he said he will not go, he rather spend time alone with me. Should I be happy that he wanted to spend time alone with me or should I find this weird that he suddenly decided against going? Is it becz of her? That he doesnt want her to feel awkward with my pressence? If he had decided against going, then why bother to tell me and ask me in the first place? To set the records straight, Im not dying and insisting to join the dinner but isnt this whole thing just so weird? I tried to brush this whole thing aside cz I'm probably over sensitive. But on the way to lunch, I jokingly pop a question and his reply stunned me! He added by saying that he asked her if she was going and the reply she gave........haiz...what the hell does that mean?
Looking back, this whole picture paints the same when Alan was still ard. And when there were outings, I still insisted baby come along. I dunno right now if baby's decision for not going is becz he is concern abt how she would feel if she sees me or issit becz he just doesnt wanna go?? Arrghh..Why am I getting so troubled over this issue? Does loving someone very much constitude to such reaction? If so..then wouldnt love equates to pain? Baby's daily night out with his frens is also putting some stress on me but no matter how many times we talk abt this, we always ended up in quarrels & eventually he still gets his way. Im exhuasted with the frequent arguements becz at the end of the day, I know that no matter how unhappy I am, the outcome will still remain the same. If it makes him happy that way, I will oblige cz I know thats what love is all abt. Love is wanting and having ur other half to remain happy.

Im a strong girl..I wont shed a tear

Weather check for today : Gloomy with light showers.

Am feeling super gloomy today. Things always dun seem to go right. Just when I tot this month would be a better month compared to the last, I was so wrong. These couple of days were rather busy with the overwhelming call volume due to some new changes. Down by manpower, rushing off reports..hmm, feeling the stress agn. Some of my team mates not very co-operative while some are working their ass off despite the pressure. Had a meeting earlier, boss said something which i really dunno if I should do or not? Penalizing ppl for high MCs yet what are the consequences gonna be? This team is so small and I really must say that I miss the old team..the team back in nov last year. Sometimes boss said somethings which I find quite true but at the same time, I dunno whats fighting devil in me. The good devil I mean. My performance had dropped alot, I can feel it myself but sometimes I really wonder if its becz of me alone or something else? Dun get the type of support I needed from my superior, things I wanna do have to be pulled back. Can no longer fight for sales, no longer fight for projects that helps both my team as well as the dept. Feels that martin is very rigid in his thoughts. I feel that he can be very baise at times. Seems like everything is all abt Ops and CAMS, then where do we really stand? Asked for extra head-count, req was turned down but this afternoon's meeting, heard him giving the go ahead to recep to recruit. Showed him numbers, figures, SLs but all efforts went furtile.
Early this month, I was frantically searching for jobs becz I tot I was gonna lose baby, I just needed to get a job and leave this place, a place that brings loads of memories and of cz heartaches if we were to end this r'ship. But after knowing that our r'ship could go on, I shelved away the tot of leaving but just when all this work issues caught me thinking, I started receiving calls from places I applied for jobs...but I dunno what heaven is playing with me. Missed 3 calls from GV ytd and 1 from LTA, when I called back, either no answer or not ard and by evening...my bloody hp was disconnected! Tell me..is this some kind of game? What have I done to deserve this? I dont wanna take part in this game. Its not fun!
Phone line disconnected, no one can reach me, meaning even if a good job comes along, they cant reach me. Feel bloody retarded without my phone!! Argghh...why do this have to happen now? I was still hoping that this can be delayed for another week. When I made early payment, no one noted that but when a payment comes in late, they cant wait to suspend the line. Today baby asked me a question that i could not answer. He asked if I was in debt. I was like..WTF? How to answer? At the end of the day, I promised I wont go back to night life..but I am struggling. Arrgghh...no matter what, I know I have to manage but I also will keep my word to baby . Can someone just let me strike toto or 4D? Dun need much..1st prize $2k..I will be a happy woman...hahah....
Shannon is now also not well, hoping that i dun have to take him to the doc agn. Why issit that when Im trying so hard to curb on my spending, the unexpected had to happen? When I left my lipo package on hold for so long, none of this came abt. Just 2 days after I went for it, I had to fork out $500 to pay someone, settle bills, fees, etc. Why type of game is this all abt?? Can someone pls tell me..get me out of this game can?
This weekend kids having their race, we have a room there and Im sure the kids will have great fun. I had promised to take them swimming and to the theme park. But now Im really wondering if I can hold on to my promise and not use my credit card. But whatever the case is, Im not gonna disappoint the kids like how their daddy always disappoint them. He always made promises which he cant keep and seeing them so sad really hurts. So with daddy or without daddy, mummy will still hold on to any promises made to them...at least to the best of my ability. Now and the future, I just need them to know that even without daddy ard, they can still have all the love every kid would get.
30 more mins to knock off time. Dunno what to do after finish blogging. Facebook?? Hmm..dunno if I want to even continue being an addict to FB. It's really too much. But what can I say? It's baby's fren afterall..or rather his so-called brother! Baby always say I dunno how to choose my frens and we always had to quarrel becz of my frens. Becz of that, I put in all effort to not make baby unhappy but it's the other way now. All the while, baby probably thinks Im over possesive over his going out with frens on weekdays till late night. No matter how I try to explain myself, he still went ahead with his plans, causing me to have a whole night of worries, hurt and sometimes even crying myself to sleep. Baby has always been very protective over his "brothers" and Im not surprise if he shares every quarrels we have with them. Many a times when ppl ard asked if we had quarrel, I just had to lie and say no. I had to cook up excuses as to why we were not together, why he looked angry, why he not lunching with me, why I look so down, why this and why that! I guess as much as i can do...this is just a little way to protect ur other half. So does he protect me the same way to?
Now I come to realise why baby used to tell me that Daphne hates them too. When baby shared this with me last time, I brushed it off as her being unreasonable...but now, I feel the way she feels too. Before baby and I got together, he used to tell us during coffee sessions abt Daphne being unhappy with him, abt their quarrels they had just before baby came to join us..it keeps me wondering now if the same thing is happening agn but just having the female lead actress to be a different person. I hope its not and I also hope Im not in self denial. Im sure he loves me very much and if you love someone deeply, Im sure we will do everything to protect that person, am I right?
Gonna pack up now...baby should be coming over soon. Gonna go get his shoe then going for dinner. Im sure the night will end well...Im very sure it will..

I can do it...all will be fine. Im strong, I wont shed a tear...


Out in the darkness
Screaming but unheard,
Embracing the deception
No truth no recollection,
My pain has no real word.

Blood pours from my body
Tears pour from my eyes,
Love and hate,
A twisted fate,
Now time for me to die.

To suffer through life,
Is like living in hell.
My pain I shall keep
To myself in this deep,
On earth where I will dwell.

Fallen angels, beckon me
Summoning me, unto their lair.
Deceit and pain
Blood pours like rain,
Caught in a devious snare.

Shall my soul rest
For the first time in years?
Or shall I cry
Until I die,
Drowning in my tears?

Desperate cries to the gods above
Desperate cries to the one I love.
Desperate cries to find my fate
Desperate cries of love and hate.
Desperate cries, longing to expire
Desperate cries, to cover the lies,
Desperate cries to conceal the fear in my eyes.
Desperate cries, to an immortal slave
Desperate cries so I can be saved...
Desperate cries, death I desire.

Pain is weakness leaving the body

Finally the end of the day. Stayed extra 19 mins cz needed to harvest my farm. hehe..Think Im hooked to this game already.
He just stepped in, tot it was to look for me but...in the end, its just becz of an umbrella. And then he walked out. Im really so lost for words now. Sms now...should I read or not..Is it gonna be something sweet or not? Hmm...let's take the risk...

Choking back tears. Im not gonna cry. Im strong. This is so not fair. He still have the mood to go out and have fun..2 nights in a row. And here I am dwelling on our problems. There is no more lively sensation in me now except for pain. Pain is such an uncomfortable feeling that even a tiny amount of it is enough to ruin the strong side of me.

Genevieve Jane Chan is a strong girl. Dun cry sweetie...U will be fine! Yes...I will be fine.

I just need to Smilez....All is fine!

Time seems to pass so slow today..arrgghh! Its only 3pm now and I cant wait to leave this place. Very draggy. Cant concerntrate on my work either. Mind kept wondering away. Help!!

Tomoro will be a better day.. Im sure it will!! yeah~

Rain Rain...

Walked down...only to find myself walking back up agn cz it was raining so heavily. Even with the umbrella, I doubt I can go back in one piece especially since Im wearing a dress. Looked abit kuku when I went pass the turnstile and went back thru the other..haha..
Am practically staring into this bloody screen right now..dunno what to type.

Yeah!! Sms just came in..Im sure its baby! :)

Its indeed baby that had message but have to replace the smiley face abv with this :(
Just read the message..I dunno what to make out of it. It read "You have done nth wrong, its totally my fault."
What does he mean actually? Is there sacarsm? Or does he mean it from his heart? Suddenly I feel so miserable agn.
Baby just stepped in...gave me a shock. Ok, now he's gone......haiz~
It all took 30 secs only! But its okie...at least he offered to send me back..so 30% healed.
Really felt the whole arguement (if u call that) was un-called for. It kept me thinking where I have gone wrong this time round. At times I wonder where the efforts I have put in gone to?? 47 days had past but just one word to describe me "Condemn"...hahahahaha...okie! Im going crazy liao!!! Im so hungry now! But the freaking rain has not stop. Hmm....maybe its a way for the sky to say "I'm crying on behalf of u"...hahaha...lame joke!

Am not gonna allow myself to dwell too much..just gonna think abt the good times we had :)
All will be fine. Im strong! I know I am..Smile & the whole world smile with me..Yeah~

Happiest moment in months

First post for the month of september. Been rather busy lately with work that I can hardly find the time to blog. Now that my lappy is with IS for at least an hour more, Im able to finally sit down and pen down some thoughts.

Im feeling very happy & relieved since the talk I had with baby ytd. Im so glad he understood my thoughts and agreed to give me more time. At least for now, I can rest my mind knowing that I dun have to disrupt the kids schooling till end of the term. Been holding back for so long yet each time I wanna talk to him abt it, everything seems to choked right at my throat. The thought of risking having the relationship shorten is the factor that pulled me back. But after yesterday, I feel relaxed. I was so silly. Baby said I was silly too...He said I didnt have to suffer all in silence, he said I could tell him anything...but is that really the case? Maybe I wasjust thinking too much but the fact that I cant afford to lose him is something I can never deny. For the past couple of weeks, Baby and I get into arguements and quarrels so easily. There seems to be a commuication break down between us..we seem to be drifting apart...at one point of time, I thought I should just leave him, maybe he would feel happier but deep down, I know how much it's gonna hurt. But our determination to keep this relationship going is the prove of our love for each other...at least for me I suppose..I hope he feels the same way too. I'm putting in all I can to make this happen cz I know I want this to blossom into something more than just a simple relationship. Im already 27 and I wanna lead a normal and stable life..

Past 2 days was the happiest we ever had in months. There were absolutely zero arguements. We just had nothing but pure fun and enjoyment. It was just like when we first got together. I wished I could just stop the time, its a kind of happiness I can hardly explain. It was just ...US! It's been a long time since baby treated me like that already. I could feel love all over again.
Baby brought me to meet his frens on fri. It was scary at first..haha...I was having sweaty palms, I was feeling cold but he made me feel comfortable. He was trying so hard to make me feel easy :) somehow during some parts of the night, I start to wonder if I was doing ok....I was shy yet I didnt wanna give an impression that I was stuck up. I was quiet but I didnt wanna give an impression that I was unfriendly...it was a tough night but guess what??? I've made it through...Phew~ and I hope that there would be many more of such outings that baby will take me along. I just want us to be seen as ONE...am I asking too much?

Im determined not to allow anything to hurt our relationship but can I do it alone? Sometimes the insecurity I have in me, the fear I have in me, the negative thoughts I have in me...these are the feelings I wish I could eliminate..but can it really go away? I need confidence..both in myself and this relationship. I want to make this happen and Im determined to do so...and Im seeking for God's grace & help.

Disheartened

Feeling very disheartened & depressed. Ytd was a super bad day to begin with and apparently it ended very badly as well. This morning I woke up wanting to spend the rest of today being happy and jovial but right now, I can hardly describe my feelings. The pain just cuts deep into my flesh. Who else can I trust now? Why are there so many faces within a person? Fake!!! I still cannot accept. I cant cry now. Its not worth my tears. But this is just not fair! What I heard just irks me!! Irks me to the max. Should I confront that person? Why must there be lies? Ok..maybe not lies, but why change the bloody story? Go be a fucking storyteller lah!
Another thing I cannot accept..I dun have the rights to make decision for everything! So why do I get the blame for it! If an explanation cannot be accepted then why agree to everything?? Then fucking tok cock afterthat!!! Arrgghhh...
Im so mad mad mad now...Im hurt hurt hurt now.

D-day...

After all the pain Ive gone thru...today is the D-day...the day Ive been waiting for and also the day Ive been dreading...sounds contradicting? After all that Ive heard from the others, I really dunno what to anticipate. Is it really that scary as what others put it? Or is it just gonna be a simple test with no machines & needles involved? I really dunno and I dun wanna know.
Guess I just have to wait for it to come before I know if it really is that scary afterall...

No mood

I just wanna be alone....No mood to entertain or even talk...

Emotion-less............................

A smile may light upon my face but yet I feel so empty. A laugh may burst out loud any time but yet I only feel hollow. Whenever something sad happens, tears just couldnt wait to drop but yet I feel nothing. Whenever someone scares me to death, I scream but yet I only feel dissolvent.
Lately I know I can show any expression but deep down, it will slowly not mean anything. My heart is only an organ now cz my soul has escaped far away.

Empty

Dunno why but feel a sense of emptiness in me now....Just wanted to hold him tight but yet I stood to my ground firmly with no emotion...
As the saying goes;

No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won't make you cry...

Moving ahead, I really have no idea what to do or what I should not do...but will just leave it and let nature takes its course...

The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar...

All these while, though going through a hell load of issues in life, I must say there are small achievements also. For the past couple of months, I was bursting with confidence and overflowing with excitement. I was convinced I'd done it, convinced that I had succeeded. Just a couple weeks back, I was feeling down at work, with so many things to manage, feeling all the stress, someone just walked up to me and said, "I know you are not feeling very good but I hope this news can cheer you up. You have been promoted." Of cz initially I didnt believe but as the conversation progress, I was filled with satisfaction & happiness. Finally for a job I had been handling for 2 years, my efforts are recognised..I was even more convinced when Andrew approached me with the same thing..That was when I believe and held on to hopes...However, today at 1605hrs, when I found out the news, I was crushed! Feeling empty and broken, but somehow I managed & I tried to pull myself together. Determined not to cry, determined to be fine..but I know Im not. Disappointment can be so freaking bitter that I feel as if I've lost my worth. Not only that...I felt I've lost my pride. Its just so humilating! But thats not what it matters now...I just feel super duperly disappointed..I wish I can hide somewhere and cry my heart out.

Oh well..just gonna take it lightly (I hope I can..). Just gonna tell myself that without disappointment, I have nowhere left to go. Hope can be amazing if Im ready to face a better future because without hope, I guess I will be forever lost. Bloody hell..cant believe I can still be in self denial! hahah...

Ps: To whoever is viewing this particular entry, pls dun ask or say anything. Im already feeling shitty..just wanna move on.. thanks :)

Tears are words the heart can't say

I cant exactly know how Im feeling now but Im sure there is this great deal of depression that has overtaken my soul and my mind. Its flooding me to the brim and I feel I can hardly breathe.
I wonder and worry throughout the day, of what is to come or what is to be expected. I dunno if I can hold on further but deep down I know Im feeling the torture. As a flood of tears is waiting to pour out, the harder I hold, the more pain I feel. A pact I've made to myself last night, Im not gonna shed a single tear this week...or at least I hope. Its not even 24 hrs to the promise Ive made to myself but yet Im already holding on so badly. I assure myself that everything is ok but who am I fooling? I know I can fool others but who am I to fool myself? I know exactly how I feel but yet I have to tell myself that everything is ok?? Thats Crap!! Waiting to burst into a spirit of rage. Waiting to explode and let the tears flow...I have so many questions and I know there are answers but Im too afraid and just too weak. I know there is no wrong or right to how I feel but as I battle with myself...I always lose the fight. Many a times I feel so intimidated but everything that is happening around me. I feel so small, I feel like a child, I feel helpless & in the end..I feel Im hopeless. The pain in me is so real..real till I can literally feel it cutting through my flesh. Sometimes I wonder if I were to lose control, will I go wild? Will I go crazy or even insane?
No one hears me or seems to understand me. I feel as though Im speaking in silence hoping that one day, someone will see my words, my message, my true self...
Many a times I tell myself..be strong and strive for a better future..everything happened for a reason but earlier this morning...I sit at my desk..staring into my lappy and asked myself why do I have to put myself through all these shit? Dun I have the privillage to protect myself & some of my assets? Cant I have savings for myself just in case of rainy days? Why am I throwing in so much for things not accumulated by me? The embaressment and trauma of having to go thru what should not have been my problem has all surfaced and no one seems to be able to understand that feeling...
I wished for a stronger and better life filled with everlasting touch, no worries, no pain, no sadness, no tears..ironically Im here dreaming the future but yet holding the past..
My body is filled to the max with so many confusions & heartaches. I wanna know if Im really here experiencing fullness? I must be cz the pain is so real and the hurt I feel could never be imagined but I believe I will pull through and destroy whatever faces into me..(I hope...crossing my fingers). Another pact Im making to myself now...As I struggle, I will fight until the end....

Empty

Cannot describe exactly how I feel right now. Why is it so difficult to sustain a relationship even though deep down inside we noe how we exactly feel for each other? Some said that white lies are used to avoid hurting another party but what is the end result? He claimed that he needed time..what game is he playing now? Throughout the whole conversation we had, I could not look at him in the eye, deep down I was holdng back tears but all these were interpreted to him as heartless, stoned-heart...arrgghh...
I plucked up every courage to make that phonecall but what did I get in return?
Its all the same...I came to realise....

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope

Disappointment....
People says women's instinct is hardly wrong...Ive proved that point. My hope is burst just within a sec...I Hate the SWINES!

The day has ended bad....

End of the day after 1 long day filled with numerous meetings...
No calls, no sms (except for 1 that says no lunch)...nothing else...
Cant describe the feeling much except with 1 simple word~Hurt :~(

I need alcohol now! Arrgghhh...

A start of another boring weekday...

Didnt sleep well last night as Ashley was running a fever again. Her fever was like a roller coaster ride and poor mummy me was so worried and at abt 3am, we decided to take rush her to A&E agn..but little Ashley refused and was whining. Breaks my heart to see her in that state...so I continued to sponge her and told myself if her fever do not go down by 4am, I will not take any chances. At 4am, her fever was still ard but at least the temp was going down and before I knew it, mummy fell aslp cz she's feeling super tired and the thought of having to drag myself up in 2 hours to go to work...Sucks! Just as I thought I was falling aslp, it was time to wake up!!!! Arrgghh...Another sucky day at work I guess. I suppose the only relief I had was to know that Ashley's fever is gone..and Im hoping it will not come back..
Change of transport to work today too...haha...decided to take the train instead and suprisingly, Ive reached ofc so much earlier and on top of that, I manage to get breakfast and also finish reading the papers! haha....not a bad start for the day huh? Oops...just realised that I bought soya bean but forgot the bloody spoon...well done mummy Jane :)
okie dokie...the time on the avaya phone states that its already 0838hrs...so that means mummy Jane have to get back to work...Meetings at 10am, 2pm & 5pm...haiz..sad life...
Updates agn later on if free...ciao~

There was a lonely flower waiting for someone who can accept and pick her up
Then savior came to fulfill the emptiness
Full of joy, happiness, laughter and pain.
One fine dream came true..

As time goes by,wind blows in a shadow room
People know that it's perfect one
Living in the iron mask and feel so pathetic
Suddenly I became alone in the Dark
Feeling of something that unexplainable
with grievances and pain..

Deep down inside love became empty
Pretending to be happy to escape the fear
Living for nothing is not the answer
To live alone in the cage of love.

Praying to live a life of a normal woman

Suddenly feels like 24 hours is never enuff. Work piling up...and Im getting worried! Things dun seem to be going right for me and soon fear will be felt in no time. How? Just had a long meeting with Leong Seng and Meng Lee (think thats his name...) hahah....so many things to discuss. Then email from bosses to get this done that done...Arrgghhh...Just the thought of it makes me wanna leave ASAP! Work life wasnt like that 6 months ago...I was able to manage and get things done the way bosses wants it. There was no outstanding and minimal mistakes..but look at me now. Only proves 1 thing...Im not an operation person..since we have been moved to be under the hands of IOC, life had not been easy. I feel the stress..no one seems to be helping. This is definitely not the type of pace I can take. How? Am I still suited for this job? Can someone pls tell me???
Meeting Panpan for ice-cream and discussion later on...this is another issue that kept me all fuzzled up. A part of me wants my bestie to be working in the same company but then agn...haiz...shall not go in depth. All I know is Im in a confused state right now.
Im feeling so lost now. Had a thorough thinking abt my life and my future..I know what I want for myself and the kids...but right now what I really need is the courage, support and of cz...Financial support. If only moving out is just like learning ABC! Cant imagine what life would be like the day I move out...I hate the process of having to pack everything..what if I leave something behind? I just dun wanna go back there anymore after I leave that place. Who's gonna help me along? Im so afraid...but Im determine to leave. I cant tolerate the kind of life Im in right now. Im proud of myself though..for the past 1 month, I have been keeping quiet, swollowing every words said and not sheding a single tear in front of him. I had to show him that Im strong and I can live with the insults, etc. But deep down, Im counting down to the day I can live to be myself. Live with no worries..Live a life of a normal woman...
And for that day...I pray in my heart...

Anxiety soon turned to Anger...

So many things have happened since my last post on 08 May. Shannon was admitted on the day I brought him to KK..fever was not going down at all no matter what we gave him. At A&E, he was diagonsed with viral bronchitis. Doc had to put him on the inhaler to help open his airways. Poor little boy was screaming & shouting..that simply brought tears to my eyes. I was all alone with him throughout this ordeal and slowly my axienty turned to anger and hatred. Every little child had both parents with them or at least a relative or fren to help manage. I was there all alone trying to tame my little boy down and yet both hands full. I didnt tell his dad of the child's admission cz I felt he had no right to know since he dun even bother anymore. But eventually he also got to know the news from his parents...damn...anyway..the whole hospital stay was a dreadful one. Shannon was put on drips and he was on medication every 3 hourly..even at night when the poor boy is sleeping.
He was finally discharged on the 12 May but that didnt end this dreadful ordeal for both mother and son.....

During the weekend, had a chalet gathering with classmates in celebration for the end of our course. It was an eventful year for us and it's great to know this group of ppl...Fun, loving, etc etc..the whole chalat was spent play mj, mj and more mj...luck wasnt on my end and I ended up losing quite abit..but I had baby who helped my cover my loses...hehehe...We also went to senoko fishery port and the seafood there are really really cheap!!! We bought 6 big fishes and 1 kg of prawns but we only spent $2o!!! (SINGAPORE DOLLARS) Cheap right?
2nd day of chalet was abit messy...hehe..shall not go into details but dear Jane me was drunk! All thanks to...Bleah...Okok...Skip that day ba...a day I dun wanna rmb cz I was teased so badly by the gang and on top of that..it makes me feel guilty thinking abt how badly I had wounded my baby...Anyway, last day was Great! We went to Escape theme park and WWW. So funny to see the gang on the viking. They were screaming and shouting...I was not on it cz ..yes..Im scared! hehe...And yup..the day ended with a great bbq from left over foods. Whahaha...

Week went on as usual, work, work and more work. Met the MDIS gang for movie on tues, then wed we went to Arena. 1st time see Uncle Toh dancing. So funny. Didnt really like that place but the company was great. Ytd went Leipan for dinner at Bedok 85. But at night...haiz...another dreadful night..Shan was running an extremely high fever that didnt go away even after his vist to KK A&E in the morning. Gave him the necessary medications but still didnt go down, sent him back to A&E agn..medication given, still didnt subside...I was getting worried and scared and so alone...At that point, I felt helpless. Why must I be put in that shit all alone. But looking at the bright side, it was bonding time with Shannon. He was so close to me...just him and me. We were chatting, drawing, laughing and watching tv together...I couldnt ask for anything more..When he smiled at me weakly, that simply melts my heart. Holding him close to me, craddling him till he fall asleep. It was finally a relief when his tempreture slowly fall. I felt so happy that I just wanted to jump up and cheer for it. It was 8.19am when we could finally leave the hospital. I felt so tired and sleepy and sick...

Dumb Struck...

He just called and screamed at me for something he didnt make clear of. Was so lost of words cz I was not even given a chance to explain myself..or rather..I was given a chance but before I could complete my sentance, he started to hurl more abusive words on me. These few days or even weeks, I had already avoided any quarrels or arguements as I am so tired of the whole episode but yet...With tears welling up, all I could do was to swollow it and move on.
Angie called to inform that ah boyis running a high fever agn. temp at 38.5...gosh, my heart just felt the pain..my baby hasnt been well lately..just 2 sundays ago, we took him to KK A&E and now he is still not well...I wanted so badly to rush home and take him to the hosp but then I have 3 appts pending...arrgghh...what the hell!!! This time round I felt so lost agn...and this lost is slowly turning to anger cz my son's father dun even bother and yet only care abt his bloody internet! Chee Bye!

Waiting for time to pass....

Patiently waiting for time to past. Meeting LeiPan for massage at taka. Poor girl...have been waiting for me there since 3pm..hehe..
Been almost a month since my last post..been rather busy and if I were to update the past post now...wow...its gonna be alot..
Currently the nation is on alert for this bloody swine flu thingy. Everyone is on their toes, not know what's gonna happen next. Instructions to go for injection tomoro. Finally Certis is doing something worthwhile for the staffs...hopefully we dun see a deduction in our next pay slip for this jab..LOL...
Feeling excited yet scared at the same time...painful!! Sob sob...next gonna take the kids for the jab as well..what is the world coming to? Gosh...infectious diseases going everywhere..1st was SARS, the bird flu and now swine flu..what's next? Is this a sign that the world is coming to an end? Hmm...Am currently also dwn with a flu..okok..shall call it runny nose instead. hehe...1st time is my life, Im afraid to see a doc for such flu symptoms...well..u nvr know..they might just send me to Aloha for the next 7 days! Yes..its a chalat but not a place anyone wana go for now....Trust me.. :P
Yawn...feeling sleepy...hopefully the massage is gonna be a good massage to relief stress and tension. Went to Bintan last week with Leipan & gang, on the 2nd day, we all went for a wonderful spa session..apparently not all enjoyed though. But the girls enjoyed for sure...the massage was sensual and relaxing...Sensual...haha...the right word to use. Someone (shall not mention her name) even told me at one point, she felt "high"..hehe...Indeed! Not "high" for me though but just this tingling feeling....hehe....now Im wondering what tantric massage would feel like..hehe...ok..Stop it Jane! Get back here...hahahahaha....
But overall..I would rate it a 9 and a half. Though the tip was a short one but I must say..it was a fulfilling trip..unfortunately Huiwen last min could not join us or else..she would be enjoying herself as much as we all do. Well..one thing for sure..this is our 1st trip but nvr the last.
Okok...gonna leave office now....getting late!!

Why?

Dont feel very well now. Feel very nauseous and weak. Taken clarinase but still feel like shit. Trying to gobble down 2 bottles of "liang cha"..hope it works.

Just recieved a bad news..Vincent's grandma just passed away. Feel sad for him. Lately so many things have happened within the team..be it personal or official. Why? Is there a bad aura ard us? Is it coming from me since Im heading the team? All the bad things started all from me so did I pass it to the others? Im sorry....

Im going Crazy!!! Leave me alone!!! Pls...

Feeling super fucked up now! Words cant describe my anger and hatred now!!! Which part of my face has the printings of $$...Bloodly hell! I hate it..hate everything! He never change, not now and I dun forsee him changing in the future. He is hopeless. Hopeless even at this age! He's no different from any thugs! Cant find any words worst that hopeless and useless to describe him further. This is not the life I deserve. Not a life anyone deserve. Still wanna pretend to cry over the phone to gain my sympathy...fuck off lah. Nabei chee bye...I hate him so much! Why the hell was I so stupid to have given him chances after chances?? Why??
Are men just out to fuck the shit out of every women's life?? Come on...give us a break...give us a life! It's men like him that simple tarnish the reputation of every other men out there. They diminish the trust we have for others and simply take away any kind of feelings we have for men.
Arrggghhhhh.......
Just 2 days back, he claimed he still love me and this family. Said that he wont do this anymore and that he will change...I knew it was all nothing but a load of crap shit..and its all proven within 2 days! Not even 48 hours yet. Love? U call this love? Is this what love is all about? Haha...love = I give u shit! He has no right to talk abt love. He has no right to say what love is! He dun even have deserve the right to mention the word love! I hate love! Love sucks! Love was the word that got me to where I am now! I hate it...
People say life is full of ups and downs...dun think so now...Life is full of crap and shit! Wanna use tears on me..Fuck it man! Try harder...u think u can use that crying tone just to make me go soft...LOL...Try HARDER!!!!!! But if those tears were real...and it was tears of despair...then Well done...u finally have started to get a mini taste of it...Mini..yes! U are still far from the despair I went thru!

Its a calling from the devil...

Cant remember when was the last time I had a peaceful sleep throughout. Been an eventful yet drastic week for me. As my favourite verse says, "Expect the unexpected"...well...that was what exactly greeted me this morning. Waking up unexpectedly at 5.30, head felt like it was exploding. Pain was unbearable and decided to call him to see if he could send me to the nearest clinic. Not only did I not get to request for help, he off his hp after I called twice. Sent him an sms and when I managed to get thru him the 3rd time, he shouted at me before hanging up on me. Here I was trying to just request for a little help but instead, I was left wondering what I did to deserve such fucked up treatment. Popped down 4 panadols and 1 sleeping pill..hoping that would help...and just when I thought I was abt to go into dreamland, I heard the door slam open. I was shocked and nearly in tears...He dropped the next bomb shell...
I just lied down in bed, tears trickling down my cheeks, I just could not move. I didnt wanna bother. He came in the 2nd time and made some demands...I chose to ignore...I felt helpless. Part of me felt full of vengance. I didnt wanna lift a finger to help. Why sld I always give in to demands? I wanted him to feel the same agony I had gone thru, the pain and shame of having to clean up. Finally....I went to take a look...I was shock! Lost! If there is a word to decribe my exact feeling at that point...its like death. I just wanted to leave. I hate the sight of it. Without a single word, I went back to the room...then his hp caught my eye...I was tempted but I know its wrong..in the end, I checked his messages..and what I saw just left me standing rooted with despair. I know its time to leave...the worst have yet to happen.
On my way to work..many things came flowing in. I knew I have to get control of my life..I need determination. I kept asking myself...why do I look brave on the outside but what lies inside me..is just a vulnerable creature. I hate myself for having to take this step 6 years ago. I hate this person who had ruin my life. Im only 26 now, what I have done to deserve such painful road. Each step I take seems like Im walking on needles...I need courage but it seems like courage has left me to fend for myself. Can someone please help me through this?
Im feeling the weight on me...its so heavy. God, please lift this up from me. Please show me the light, send your angels down to guide me please. Replace my fear with courage pls...
Is it time for me to go find you Lord, to be with all the other angels in heaven? Or am I still destined to live this life feeling every single needles pricking at me?
Responsibility?? What is it? Sucks! Responsibility brought me to where I am now...who should I blame? Who said humans should be responsible in the things they do in life? Love? What is love? I married a guy who claimed he loved me...and this is what love is all about? What sucky values are these??? I was rebellious, I was a bad girl...I changed for the sake of living a normal life...I changed for love and I changed for responsibility...and what do I get in the end?
Guess its a sign...issit? Dont blame me should I walk back to who I used to be....Adios!!

Loving and Trusting is a decision...not a choice

The wheather is freaking hot today. Just got back from lunch, had craving for ayam penyak since last month and woo hoo...I managed to eat them today. But then now my throat hurts. Havent been well yet and here I am, indulging myself in all these sinful & spicy food!! hahaha
Today is a busy day...cant believed I reached office at abt 6.45am but end up...didnt have to attend the war. Had a tough time completing the team's appraisal, ops meeting pushed to 2.30pm, have to meet Cindy at 3pm then 4pm another meeting with Simon...arrgghh...Seems like I cant get to "eat snake" for the rest of the day liao...sob sob
Cant wait for the day to end, feeling super not well. Cant even breathe properly. So tempted to take my med now but I know if I ever pop this down, I will be fighting Zzz Monsters the very next moment.

(To be continued...)

Am having mixed emotions now. Angry & happy..hahaha...Angry becz some asshole just got into trouble agn. Hate it when I have to deal with staff like that. But then sometimes, I dun deny that customers are assholes too, right? Who says customers are always right? Neh...Totally disagree but then if customers are unreasonable and the staff wants to further agitate the customer, then I rest my case! Waste my time, now have to put up an investigation report $^%#^....Too bad..I've done what I can so...haiz....
Okie okie...wanna know what Im happy about? My appraisal!!! Yoo hoo...My wish came true when my ex-boss said he is doing my team's appraisal. Bo pian...have to chiong for 1 last year. I doubt Mr Santa Claus aka Loud Sneezer would be nice enough to give good grades and bonus! During the discussion, ex-boss told me something which of cz made me so trilled but of cz...I dun wanna put too much hope as well. Let's just see how things go ba...Wish me luck!!!
9 more mins..I cant wait to leave this office...feeling a little bit feverish now...I wish to declare that IM ALLERGIC TO CISCO!! hahahahhaha....

Lord...Take my emptiness away

Why am I still feeling so miserable now? Whole morning have past and Im drowning myself with any work I can find. Hoping to put my heart at peace, Im listening to online church hymes but no matter how, I still feel some tinge of emptiness in me. Its so hard to describe it in words but I know Im doing all I can to keep myself busy & distracted. My heart just feels so empty now. Never ending pressure, Never ending pain, this is probably the closest I can describe my feelings now when I know my heart is empty. And there is no one I can share with, no one I can pour these feelings to, no one to hold me when I so feel like cry. Choking back this emotion is just like cutting myself up. I feel so lonely. I have given all I have and am not getting back most of what I have given to fill the empty spaces in my heart.
My soul is crying out loud. No one knows my inner self, not even I...and no one seems to know the darkness within these shadows...

I Offer My Life

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, alll of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

What can we give
That you have not given?
And what do we have
That is not already yours?
All we possess
Are these lives we're living
That's what we give to you, Lord

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life
Lord I offer you my life

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind

When I think deeply, I think about all the horrible things he put me through. And it seems like I have come to a conclusion that he is just a typical guy who is just here to hurt me. Unless he can prove to me that there is more in me than just what he wants. I hate it when I have no sense in sticking through all these pain, lying, disbelief, anger, betrayal and I really hate him for having put me through this roller coaster ride. Im so sick of the lies and at times it hurts to see him to what he is today and yet having people telling me that he is just making use of me. At times, I just blow them off. I was completely blind until last night. Reality hits me and is telling me that everything people said and everything I had felt was all true. For the past 6 years, he had lied..repeatedly. How I wish he can just see for himself what kind of man he is. How about now grow up and prove to me and everyone else and especially himself that he is a man enough to have a relationship without repeated lies and betrayal. Until he one day he understands all the pain he had put through to someone who has been with him through thick and thin, I guess there will never be forgiveness.
Im struggling like a freaking dog here trying to make ends meet but yet on the other side of it, I have someone that doesnt feel the pinch of it. I hate having to go through this every other day. I hate lies. I have never felt so fucking betrayed in my life before. If only I can literally explain in detail how this betrayal felt...
I guess its time for me to find myself all over agn...all over agn.....

Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable.

Woke up this morning feeling nothing but added heartaches and agony. Asking myself time & time agn if this is really what I want. I really dun wanna do this anymore. Life seems so meaningless. Its seems as if I have no purpose..no purpose for life. My existence is so meaningless and its so filled with strife. Many a times I feel so stressed, this stress is extremely huge thats it practically seems as though Im drowning in it. I need a place for refuge now, a place to clean up all my blood. These wounds in my heart are so severe and its quickly making me weak. I need someone to wipe away my tear, a tear that represents all the pain I have. Who is there to take take me away from this misery, who is there to relieve me of this pain. Lord, pls help to set me free & unlock this metal chain in me. I wish to ask myself this question, what is the purpose of my being? Do I even have one in the 1st place? I cant believe that the answer I have is the fact that I have none.
Day in day out, having to anticipate mood swings, tempers, etc...Im slowly drawing myself away. Drawing myself away to a very very far distant. What do I really owe in my previous life that I have to go through this now? Im only human...Im not any wonder super heros that can take this kinda life everyday. Imagine this...You turn on the lights of your room as you drowsily walk in but then being greeted with nothing but a painful stab in the back...how would that feel?
"To trust is to be trusted, While to lie is to be fooled"...Such quote speaks to my heart with painful force. While the future becomes nothing but a glimpse of burning past and lies upon deception cause heartbreak beyond ones relief...

God will Make a Way

After 1 whole month of agonizing wait, its great to be able to blog agn from work! Having accumulated tonnes of heartaches, its about time to explode. My heart beats every single moment in a familiar kind of rhythm, everything seems so alright on the surface but my heart seems to ache secretly. My heart aches for freedom, freedom from this world, freedom from these pain..but no matter what, Im imprisoned within all around me. Im hoping and waiting to know the truth about people, the truth about love, the truth about God, the truth which engulfed in so many lies. Having ache for so many things, the pain and suffering is just too overwhelming but somehow I know I still have the limited strength to go on.
Im beginning to feel the weight right now, feeling the pain that's becoming unbearable. How shall I explain? Erm...like poison spreading thru my tiny veins, slowly pushing me to the end of darkness..and I mean eternal darkness. At times I feel that death is welcome anytime now cz I know certainly how it would numb this pain Im feeling and it will free me from my suffering eventually breaking the chains thats holding me down..knowing that the pain Im going thru is also hurting the people around me...but yet at times, it gets so unbearable knowing that I had to live with it alone. I know death will free me from all these pain one day and that will be the day I gain my freedom, freedom from pain, freedom from life & freedom from people....but then again...am I being fair to those who care about me? Am I being fair to my babies? Will they hate me from taking away the mother's love they yearn for? Holding on till now, I know Im drawing every strength from both of them...the laughters and giggles brings at least some joy to my life...do I really wanna let this go? Ive got my answers now but will that answer change.....
Ive been repeating this hyme last night "God will make a way". It brought tears to me...I asked myself how distant I am with HIM, will he forgive me for only seeking him in times of hardship? Many a times, I felt he had forsaken me but yet I knew..he never did. For if he ever had, I would not be where I am today now but then agn, what is the message Im lacking from all these experiences? Will I ever get to see light at the end of the tunnel Lord? What is it that Ive yet to know? Lord, everyone believed that you will make a way for us when things dun seem to have a way. They said u works in every ways that we cant see and u will eventually make a way for us...Lord, pls help me. Take me out of the darkness and guide me thru. I need you..pls dun forsake me. Please be my guide and hold me closely to you side Lord.
Just recieved an sms from Nicole, its so ironic that such things always happen at the last minute and I really wonder if its a sign for me from you God. Is there a message you are silently telling me? Or issit just coincidence? Its just so weird. This is the 4th time (if I remembered correctly) that such things happened. Show me more signs Lord if this is really your works. Took me the whole weekend to make this decision, whole 2 days I felt a tinge of nervousness and fear. This morning, I never once had a moment when I felt at eased till this message from Nicole.
Why is money the devil to all problems? Why? Can someone pls enlighten me?

My feeling of emptiness, fear, insecurity & pain....

Ever asked myself if there is anyone out there who yearn so much for the happiness that lies so close, but yet cannot reach it no matter how much we do...Am I really destined to be unhappy? At times, I dwell so deep inside me that I never once be able to see the light of day. The scary thing is walking like a zombie everyday with the same thoughts running in my mind...The past never happened, the future isnt gonna come and the present just isnt as real as I want it to be. Depression is just like part of my life..just like a shadow to me. The day just simply warms up everyone except me...why? Each time I feel that happiness lies near yet my mind wouldnt allow me to reach for it and thats when I know...happiness is slipping through my hand. I feel as if Im living in prison or rather more to solitary confinement and nothing surronds me except fear...and it seems just like a prison guard watching over me.
Insecurity gets over me at times and it always frightens me. I can waste so much time feeling insecure and trust me, life just doesnt have to be that way for me....but it did. Imagine waking up in the morning afraid to open my eyes cz I know it will be another day of grief. A day of fear, a day of wondering and at times, a day of loneliness, a day of confusion. Is this ever going to be away? All the pain and hurt I feel, and all the anger and hatred..is it still gonna stay with me.
As the day past and night comes, once again another type of fear. Afraid of having nightmares. At times, all I can do is just stare at my wall and as much as I try to hold on...those tears just flow freely. What is it that's causing me this feeling? Another night of crying and hiding, another freaking night of insecurity and pain. Alone once again, my heart just feels so empty, its a kind of feeling that is so hard to explain. The sour type of squeezing just directly at the heart. Sometimes I just cant cry anymore and I wish to know when are all these gonna end?

Mental Breakdown

4th day of CNY and Im hm today. Didnt go to work as Shan is not well and had to take him to the doc. Oh well..ya..thats part of the excuse. Probably just too lazy to drag myself to work. Slept till almost 2pm but in between...had a nasty arguement with Boon. Its been almost 2 weeks and he had not mentioned a single word abt settling his hp bill and here I am worried that it will drag me down as well. Bloody hell, what did I get in the end? Nothing but jus screams & insults. Does he noe how much he had hurt me with those words? I really cant help but hate him more each day. What have I done to deserve such treatment frm a man who happens to be my children's father? He is no longer the person I knew from the past. I cant wait to leave this place and lead a brand new life...but I know its not time to leave yet. At times I just wanna wash my hands off eveything but my next question...where can I go before I file for that piece of paper? Arrgghh.... Disrupting the kids life is the last thing on my mind but what can I do?? How long more do I have to hold on to this? Im really very tired...
Is this really what a woman deserve to go thru?? Knn..argghhh....fucked up sia! I cant imagine I even had the intention of leaving the kids behind while I leave this place of hell...I hate myself! Why did I even think of that?? Am i really that desperate now? God, pls help? Show me the light and way pls...Tell me what to do pls..
Woke up in a world where a person close to me felt like a stranger. I had to be dreaming all these while. I realise each time I drown myself with alcohol, I no longer feared his abusive behavior or insulting words. Couldn't imagine these were all happening to me. As I realized these twisted thoughts of nightmares were realities, I cant help but feel so helpless. Remembering younger days, where there were no worries, sleep was simple too but right now, queasy feeling in my stomach knowing where the late nights would lead at times. Because I know when my teary eyes looked at his, I saw nothing but greed & a look of an evil man. Feeling unvalued like an empty soul, I would beg God to not let me feel this hurt anymore. Bruises made inside but outside only my eyes were swollen. God, give me a reason as to what did I do to deserve this? How did I end up in hell when all my life I tried all I could to live perfect? Now I no longer care about the physical or emotional pain. When it's nothing compared to the shit that starts up in the brain. Things have began to change the old me, I automatically fell silent and pushed people away, It never mattered when no one wants to hear of this kind of pain. All of this shit made it hard to trust anyone. Even brainwashed myself to thinking I would never love nor be loved anymore. With no direction to turn and since everybody goes through their own problems, Im tired of comparing my life with others....

When its time...you just to have do it...

Time is passing pretty slow now. Whole office is damn quiet. All in holiday mood agn. In a couple of days time, it will be CNY. So far still dont have the CNY mood yet, unlike the past. Went shopping ytd, bought a couple CNY clothes..cant wait to wear them but at the same time, dunno if it looks good on me. Yawn...Its only 1428hrs, still a long way more to 1730hrs. After work, there are plans to go for light drinking at east coast with Fennie, Anna & gang. Its funny that originally there are 2 parts to tonite's outing but seems like none is keen for 2nd part. hahaha..
Wondering how CNY is gonna be like this year. Not sure if Im anticiptating or dreading. Really hope for a quiet and blessed new year with no worries and no troubles. I really cant afford to go thru any more of those nonsense anymore. So far all settled except for 2. Haiz...dun seem like an easy task but then everyone seems to be throwing the ball ard and no one seems to want to handle it properly. Im very sick and tired of it.

As the days past, Im doing a countdown to that fateful day. Each time I tink abt it, I cant help but feel that there is no more returns....not any more...

Living is Suffering

How true can that be? Very true I would say. Why must one live in this world to suffer all these unwanted pain and hurt? What do we gain from it?
An appointment had been be arranged to go OHC today, thought all was supposed to go smoothly until that fateful call from starhub. My heart nearly dropped when I knew how much his hp bill was..a freaking 4oo over bucks in a period of 2 fucking months!!!! Who in the right mind would be able to tolerate such a news? I was literally dumb struck till the voice on the next line kept repeating "Ms Chan, are you there?" Gosh..I am so bloody shock but I guess I was more pissed than anything else. Cz end up, I still had to be the one to pay off the bills...where am I gonna have the $$$?? CNY is coming..so many things to spend on. Red packet, kids clothes, new year goodies...and yet no one else in this freaking world is contributing!!! I dun print $$$, do I look like I can do magic? Why? Why take me for granted? Maybe prostituting myself will then solve everything! Arrgghhh....DUN FORCE ME!!!!!!
Can still vividly remember those words from him. Fucking blame me for everything? Why? What have I done to deserve this shitty life?

“If one keeps loving faithfully what is really worth loving, and does not waste one's love on insignificant and unworthy and meaningless things, one will get more light by and by and grow stronger. Sometimes it is well to go into the world and converse with people, and at times one is obliged to do so, but he who would prefer to be quietly alone with his work, and who wants but very few friends, will go safest through the world and among people. And even in the most refined circles and with the best surroundings and circumstances, one must keep something of the original character of an anchorite, for other wise one has no root in oneself; one must never let the fire go out in one's soul, but keep it burning. And whoever chooses poverty for himself and loves it possesses a great treasure, and will always clearly hear the voice of his conscience; he who hears and obeys that voice, which is the best gift of God, finds at least a friend in it, and is never alone.”

Life is nothing but Crap!!

Exams are finally over...after a whole week of nerve wracking revision, finally both papers are over!!! Had a mini celebration with the gang ytd after the last paper. Had buffet lunch at Kushin Bo (hope I spelt correctly) hahaha...food was great..I would love to go there agn. Price is pretty reasonable as well. After that went to Toys R' Us cz Lei Pan needed to get toys. Over at Toys R Us, the guys were going crazy...kicking a mini ball all over the place..Quite funny though. Went for movies..watched Red Cliff 2. Though its not my type of movie, I must say its a nice movie (eventhough I slept for like 10 mins :p)
Went bowling at Marina Square..it was the 1st time bowling with them...it was so fun and hilarious too. And of cz, we made some bets and yeah....I had free dinner after that!! So cool huh...Lastly...the night wouldnt end without a game of mahjong!! Went to Alvin's place for a game of mahjong..won abit only...Well...that was the happy portion of the day...

Hmm...Life hasnt been easy since tuesday or did it even become worst? Dunno if Im gonna flung my F&B paper esp when there were so many things on my mind. When can this ever stop? This is just a beginning but hasnt been a smooth ride. Each time I know he's out with her, my mind seems to be in a whirlpool...wondering this and that...but deep down, I know I cant say much.
Life is like a roller coaster ride...with its ups and downs..so I know I have to learn to take this ride till the day someone raise the white flag...

14 more days before I conclude the next step...........

Im feeling terrible

Im feeling terrible. So much has happened in just a couple of days. No one had expected things to turn out this way, did we? When the phone was passed to her to speak to me, I was literally trying to hold back my tears, many times I had wanted to defend myself but I knew if I did, it wld probably aggrevate the matter....so I chose to keep silent...but by doing so, I was hurting so much inside. It felt like millions of daggers piercing right through me and all I could mutter was a soft....Im sorry..

Stop these tears from flowing...

Trying so hard to sleep but each time I close my eyes, my mind starts to wonder around. My heart is hurting right now but who is there to take the pain away? Just a few hours ago, we had a heart to heart talk..as much as I dun want to...I still think I should not be selfish to only think abt myself...so I ended up ensuring him that I will be fine even if things dun go the way I wish it will be. After more than a decade..I finally revealed my deepest & darkest secret...suddenly I hv this strong feeling that everything's gonna change after the revealation of my secret and bad past...will he ever look down on me? Haiz...wat if he does a comparison? Im definitely at a losing end...will just leave it up to fate ba..if im destined to lead such a ill-fated life then so be it ba...
wo zhen de hao lei le...wo zhi xiang guo ge kai xin de sheng huo....

Arrgghhh...why am I feeling this way?? Exams is just a couple days more...I wana concerntrate!!! Nvm..all that matters now is the present...not the future...yeah baby...thats the way...hahaha....there I go agn...hw i wish i can just go crazy 1 fine day... Bleah... hahahha
Shall go back to my books now...I can smell the A grade a few miles away...hehe....

Let not my heart be troubled

Feeling bloody hot now in the office and the life span of this battery is 88% only..all becz of some stupid power shutdwn. Quite amazing for me to still be in the office especially when its pretty dark except for some lights frm outside and 2 small fans to keep me abit cool. While waiting here, my mind is so filled with many "what if" scenario. Am crossing my fingers, hoping that we can leave any moment now. Each time I hear that irritating but funny sounding ringing tone (still figuring if its a jap song...hahaha), I cant help but feel my heart and anticipation level will dip dwn bit by bit.

Continued to update @ 0112hr...
Long day we had today. Was blogging half way thru when he pop in so had to log out. Now back at home in my air-con room, lights off cz Ashley is sleeping..typing each word slowly cz I dun wanna wake my little gerl by the tapping of the keyboard. My mind is in a messed right now...its like a roller coaster ride. Had a great time today even though I had to return to office on a saturday morning...after work, its so funny that we could not decide where to go..so we ended up at china town for lunch. It's quite funny after that..shall skip the details..but it was a great time. Frm that moment till slightly after lunch, it was a time that I wish could just freeze and not move on...Ive never felt this happy after such a long time and I wonder how long it would remain..
While walking home...I couldnt help but feel this heavy weight in me. I dunno why but I suddenly feel so afraid of losing what I have now. But I know that the day will eventually come. My heart was aching so badly when I heard him said those 3 words...it was not meant for me but I had to accept that...I cant be selfish and since Ive been hurt before...doesnt matter if I get hurt agn..hahaha...Rmb..Im a strong gerl...LOL :)
Sometimes I feel like a tofu & sometimes I feel like iron man (woman version)...contradicting huh?? Who am I? An answer I really wish to know. Do I not deserve real happiness, free from worries and fear? Is this what life is all about for me?

"Fear is finding fault with the future. If only we could keep in mind of how uncertain our future is, then we would never try to predict what could go

Just finished reading a blog that belonged to a stage 3 cervical cancer patient who had since passed away on 26 Dec 2008..am overwhelmed with mixed emotions now. I must say that Shandy's braveness is something we should salute. The humour she injected in her blog showed how brave she was or maybe..just trying to make the ppl ard her feel better..I dont know..
4 months from now will be my next pap smear test after a failed test done in Nov that came back with a class 2 result. At that point of time, all Dr Loke would say was, "We can still wait for 6 mths to have another test before we confirm anything. For now, dont worry too much." This sentance have been lingering on my mind since that fateful call on the morning of 12 Nov. For 1 whole week, I was leaving in constant fear, asking myself what if its really cancer..but as time goes by, I kept telling myself to stay strong..at least there is still that much time to buy..but now after reading Shandy's blog, the fear has returned. Dunno if its a good or bad thing but from her blog, at least I could anticipate how the whole process is gonna be but then agn...the thought of having to go through the pain and baldness...just so painful to handle...
Probably its still to early to be feeling this way cz you never know..maybe Im really gonna be fine..but....maybe not as well. Especially when Ive been having intermitant pain at my abdomen. I really dunno. Dun even dare go see doc for fear for news that I may not wanna hear..What to do? With all that had happened and is happening in my life, Ive been telling myself to stay strong cz Jane is a strong gerl but I know for sure...in 4 mths time...should the results be negative...its also the time I would fall. I dont want to get cancer. Im scared of it..Oh God...Pls help me. Pls keep me safe, pls let it be a false alarm. Pls dont let this happen to me. My babies are still so young...they need me.
Since everything is still too early to know...I shall begin my countdown then....125 days to go before the revelation.

Tonight is the night..another set of fear again..damn it! Why is this happening? Do I really need to go? People are given choices but in this case...am I given one? well...like I said...I will do my part till the last day. For all you know, I may be walking towards the light..whahaha...WTF...be Optimistic Jane!! Optimistic...yeah!!! hahahaha....
Back to work now..tonnes of unfinished work. Paid to work, not paid to blog..hehe...

Is it really coming true?

Havent been blogging for abt a week and gosh...so many things are taking a turn in life rite now. Its been ages since Im able to feel genuine happiness agn. Words are simply so hard to explain the exact feelings I have right now. If only time could freeze..I wish it could just remain at where it was. Issit too early to say that I see hope in life? Oh well..maybe this is it or maybe not. Guess right now, nothing else matters more than having the strength to hold on to what I have right now. Its true..no one knows what the future holds or where we will all be in a few years time, do we?? That moment did not once leave my mind...everything is just so fresh. Each time I thought of it..a smile just appears on my face...
Been home these couple of days cz it Shan's 1st few days in Pre-N. I must say that its been a great achievement seeing my babies grow day and day...and from an infant to pre-schoolers now. The heart wrenching screams frm Shan each time I send him to class do make me kinda guilty at times but I know I have to start somewhere..hearing him crying & banging the door, screaming out "I want mummy"....those 3 words brought nothing but tears to me on the 1st day...
Its a wednesday today...half of the week has gone by...feeling not too bad and its amazing...Ive never been able to stay happy for more than 2 days but look..Ive made it!! Exams next week..feeling kinda worried, hoping hard that I can score well. 3 more mths to go before I complete my course, still wondering if I should continue with my degree...26K!!! Sianz..will think abt it agn..LOL
Few more hours before its time to go to sch for my last lesson of this semester.. Suddenly feeling a tinge of loneliness...Damn..what the hell Jane...hahahah....okok...gonna prep for sch

"Women mistakenly expect Men to react & behave the way they do, while Men continue to misunderstad what Women really need"

Not a New Year afterall...

Its only the 2nd day of new year and yet I have to shed tears agn. Been telling myself not to cry anymore but I guess this will never happen in the next few months or even years! At times I really feel its time to raise the white flag but what is really stopping me? Can someone pls tell me? Im trying so damn hard to make things work and to resolve matters but no matter how hard I try, its just not gonna work. I get blamed for this and that..no one seems to be appreciating my effort to make things work out well for all.
Made a call awhile ago and thought that 1 more problem is solved but I was so wrong. In the end, got a lecture from hubby cz I was cheated by 1 LS. Haiz..I asked if he could call and clarify but instead, he said if he were to make this clarification call, he will sure get it from LS..so I called lor..
and what the hell did I get in the end? This is freaking unreasonable..I hate it!!! I really hate it. It sucks big time. Life sucks. Everything sucks!