Mental Breakdown

4th day of CNY and Im hm today. Didnt go to work as Shan is not well and had to take him to the doc. Oh well..ya..thats part of the excuse. Probably just too lazy to drag myself to work. Slept till almost 2pm but in between...had a nasty arguement with Boon. Its been almost 2 weeks and he had not mentioned a single word abt settling his hp bill and here I am worried that it will drag me down as well. Bloody hell, what did I get in the end? Nothing but jus screams & insults. Does he noe how much he had hurt me with those words? I really cant help but hate him more each day. What have I done to deserve such treatment frm a man who happens to be my children's father? He is no longer the person I knew from the past. I cant wait to leave this place and lead a brand new life...but I know its not time to leave yet. At times I just wanna wash my hands off eveything but my next question...where can I go before I file for that piece of paper? Arrgghh.... Disrupting the kids life is the last thing on my mind but what can I do?? How long more do I have to hold on to this? Im really very tired...
Is this really what a woman deserve to go thru?? Knn..argghhh....fucked up sia! I cant imagine I even had the intention of leaving the kids behind while I leave this place of hell...I hate myself! Why did I even think of that?? Am i really that desperate now? God, pls help? Show me the light and way pls...Tell me what to do pls..
Woke up in a world where a person close to me felt like a stranger. I had to be dreaming all these while. I realise each time I drown myself with alcohol, I no longer feared his abusive behavior or insulting words. Couldn't imagine these were all happening to me. As I realized these twisted thoughts of nightmares were realities, I cant help but feel so helpless. Remembering younger days, where there were no worries, sleep was simple too but right now, queasy feeling in my stomach knowing where the late nights would lead at times. Because I know when my teary eyes looked at his, I saw nothing but greed & a look of an evil man. Feeling unvalued like an empty soul, I would beg God to not let me feel this hurt anymore. Bruises made inside but outside only my eyes were swollen. God, give me a reason as to what did I do to deserve this? How did I end up in hell when all my life I tried all I could to live perfect? Now I no longer care about the physical or emotional pain. When it's nothing compared to the shit that starts up in the brain. Things have began to change the old me, I automatically fell silent and pushed people away, It never mattered when no one wants to hear of this kind of pain. All of this shit made it hard to trust anyone. Even brainwashed myself to thinking I would never love nor be loved anymore. With no direction to turn and since everybody goes through their own problems, Im tired of comparing my life with others....

When its time...you just to have do it...

Time is passing pretty slow now. Whole office is damn quiet. All in holiday mood agn. In a couple of days time, it will be CNY. So far still dont have the CNY mood yet, unlike the past. Went shopping ytd, bought a couple CNY clothes..cant wait to wear them but at the same time, dunno if it looks good on me. Yawn...Its only 1428hrs, still a long way more to 1730hrs. After work, there are plans to go for light drinking at east coast with Fennie, Anna & gang. Its funny that originally there are 2 parts to tonite's outing but seems like none is keen for 2nd part. hahaha..
Wondering how CNY is gonna be like this year. Not sure if Im anticiptating or dreading. Really hope for a quiet and blessed new year with no worries and no troubles. I really cant afford to go thru any more of those nonsense anymore. So far all settled except for 2. Haiz...dun seem like an easy task but then everyone seems to be throwing the ball ard and no one seems to want to handle it properly. Im very sick and tired of it.

As the days past, Im doing a countdown to that fateful day. Each time I tink abt it, I cant help but feel that there is no more returns....not any more...

Living is Suffering

How true can that be? Very true I would say. Why must one live in this world to suffer all these unwanted pain and hurt? What do we gain from it?
An appointment had been be arranged to go OHC today, thought all was supposed to go smoothly until that fateful call from starhub. My heart nearly dropped when I knew how much his hp bill was..a freaking 4oo over bucks in a period of 2 fucking months!!!! Who in the right mind would be able to tolerate such a news? I was literally dumb struck till the voice on the next line kept repeating "Ms Chan, are you there?" Gosh..I am so bloody shock but I guess I was more pissed than anything else. Cz end up, I still had to be the one to pay off the bills...where am I gonna have the $$$?? CNY is coming..so many things to spend on. Red packet, kids clothes, new year goodies...and yet no one else in this freaking world is contributing!!! I dun print $$$, do I look like I can do magic? Why? Why take me for granted? Maybe prostituting myself will then solve everything! Arrgghhh....DUN FORCE ME!!!!!!
Can still vividly remember those words from him. Fucking blame me for everything? Why? What have I done to deserve this shitty life?

“If one keeps loving faithfully what is really worth loving, and does not waste one's love on insignificant and unworthy and meaningless things, one will get more light by and by and grow stronger. Sometimes it is well to go into the world and converse with people, and at times one is obliged to do so, but he who would prefer to be quietly alone with his work, and who wants but very few friends, will go safest through the world and among people. And even in the most refined circles and with the best surroundings and circumstances, one must keep something of the original character of an anchorite, for other wise one has no root in oneself; one must never let the fire go out in one's soul, but keep it burning. And whoever chooses poverty for himself and loves it possesses a great treasure, and will always clearly hear the voice of his conscience; he who hears and obeys that voice, which is the best gift of God, finds at least a friend in it, and is never alone.”

Life is nothing but Crap!!

Exams are finally over...after a whole week of nerve wracking revision, finally both papers are over!!! Had a mini celebration with the gang ytd after the last paper. Had buffet lunch at Kushin Bo (hope I spelt correctly) hahaha...food was great..I would love to go there agn. Price is pretty reasonable as well. After that went to Toys R' Us cz Lei Pan needed to get toys. Over at Toys R Us, the guys were going crazy...kicking a mini ball all over the place..Quite funny though. Went for movies..watched Red Cliff 2. Though its not my type of movie, I must say its a nice movie (eventhough I slept for like 10 mins :p)
Went bowling at Marina Square..it was the 1st time bowling with them...it was so fun and hilarious too. And of cz, we made some bets and yeah....I had free dinner after that!! So cool huh...Lastly...the night wouldnt end without a game of mahjong!! Went to Alvin's place for a game of mahjong..won abit only...Well...that was the happy portion of the day...

Hmm...Life hasnt been easy since tuesday or did it even become worst? Dunno if Im gonna flung my F&B paper esp when there were so many things on my mind. When can this ever stop? This is just a beginning but hasnt been a smooth ride. Each time I know he's out with her, my mind seems to be in a whirlpool...wondering this and that...but deep down, I know I cant say much.
Life is like a roller coaster ride...with its ups and downs..so I know I have to learn to take this ride till the day someone raise the white flag...

14 more days before I conclude the next step...........

Im feeling terrible

Im feeling terrible. So much has happened in just a couple of days. No one had expected things to turn out this way, did we? When the phone was passed to her to speak to me, I was literally trying to hold back my tears, many times I had wanted to defend myself but I knew if I did, it wld probably aggrevate the matter....so I chose to keep silent...but by doing so, I was hurting so much inside. It felt like millions of daggers piercing right through me and all I could mutter was a soft....Im sorry..

Stop these tears from flowing...

Trying so hard to sleep but each time I close my eyes, my mind starts to wonder around. My heart is hurting right now but who is there to take the pain away? Just a few hours ago, we had a heart to heart talk..as much as I dun want to...I still think I should not be selfish to only think abt myself...so I ended up ensuring him that I will be fine even if things dun go the way I wish it will be. After more than a decade..I finally revealed my deepest & darkest secret...suddenly I hv this strong feeling that everything's gonna change after the revealation of my secret and bad past...will he ever look down on me? Haiz...wat if he does a comparison? Im definitely at a losing end...will just leave it up to fate ba..if im destined to lead such a ill-fated life then so be it ba...
wo zhen de hao lei le...wo zhi xiang guo ge kai xin de sheng huo....

Arrgghhh...why am I feeling this way?? Exams is just a couple days more...I wana concerntrate!!! Nvm..all that matters now is the present...not the future...yeah baby...thats the way...hahaha....there I go agn...hw i wish i can just go crazy 1 fine day... Bleah... hahahha
Shall go back to my books now...I can smell the A grade a few miles away...hehe....

Let not my heart be troubled

Feeling bloody hot now in the office and the life span of this battery is 88% only..all becz of some stupid power shutdwn. Quite amazing for me to still be in the office especially when its pretty dark except for some lights frm outside and 2 small fans to keep me abit cool. While waiting here, my mind is so filled with many "what if" scenario. Am crossing my fingers, hoping that we can leave any moment now. Each time I hear that irritating but funny sounding ringing tone (still figuring if its a jap song...hahaha), I cant help but feel my heart and anticipation level will dip dwn bit by bit.

Continued to update @ 0112hr...
Long day we had today. Was blogging half way thru when he pop in so had to log out. Now back at home in my air-con room, lights off cz Ashley is sleeping..typing each word slowly cz I dun wanna wake my little gerl by the tapping of the keyboard. My mind is in a messed right now...its like a roller coaster ride. Had a great time today even though I had to return to office on a saturday morning...after work, its so funny that we could not decide where to go..so we ended up at china town for lunch. It's quite funny after that..shall skip the details..but it was a great time. Frm that moment till slightly after lunch, it was a time that I wish could just freeze and not move on...Ive never felt this happy after such a long time and I wonder how long it would remain..
While walking home...I couldnt help but feel this heavy weight in me. I dunno why but I suddenly feel so afraid of losing what I have now. But I know that the day will eventually come. My heart was aching so badly when I heard him said those 3 words...it was not meant for me but I had to accept that...I cant be selfish and since Ive been hurt before...doesnt matter if I get hurt agn..hahaha...Rmb..Im a strong gerl...LOL :)
Sometimes I feel like a tofu & sometimes I feel like iron man (woman version)...contradicting huh?? Who am I? An answer I really wish to know. Do I not deserve real happiness, free from worries and fear? Is this what life is all about for me?

"Fear is finding fault with the future. If only we could keep in mind of how uncertain our future is, then we would never try to predict what could go

Just finished reading a blog that belonged to a stage 3 cervical cancer patient who had since passed away on 26 Dec 2008..am overwhelmed with mixed emotions now. I must say that Shandy's braveness is something we should salute. The humour she injected in her blog showed how brave she was or maybe..just trying to make the ppl ard her feel better..I dont know..
4 months from now will be my next pap smear test after a failed test done in Nov that came back with a class 2 result. At that point of time, all Dr Loke would say was, "We can still wait for 6 mths to have another test before we confirm anything. For now, dont worry too much." This sentance have been lingering on my mind since that fateful call on the morning of 12 Nov. For 1 whole week, I was leaving in constant fear, asking myself what if its really cancer..but as time goes by, I kept telling myself to stay strong..at least there is still that much time to buy..but now after reading Shandy's blog, the fear has returned. Dunno if its a good or bad thing but from her blog, at least I could anticipate how the whole process is gonna be but then agn...the thought of having to go through the pain and baldness...just so painful to handle...
Probably its still to early to be feeling this way cz you never know..maybe Im really gonna be fine..but....maybe not as well. Especially when Ive been having intermitant pain at my abdomen. I really dunno. Dun even dare go see doc for fear for news that I may not wanna hear..What to do? With all that had happened and is happening in my life, Ive been telling myself to stay strong cz Jane is a strong gerl but I know for sure...in 4 mths time...should the results be negative...its also the time I would fall. I dont want to get cancer. Im scared of it..Oh God...Pls help me. Pls keep me safe, pls let it be a false alarm. Pls dont let this happen to me. My babies are still so young...they need me.
Since everything is still too early to know...I shall begin my countdown then....125 days to go before the revelation.

Tonight is the night..another set of fear again..damn it! Why is this happening? Do I really need to go? People are given choices but in this case...am I given one? well...like I said...I will do my part till the last day. For all you know, I may be walking towards the light..whahaha...WTF...be Optimistic Jane!! Optimistic...yeah!!! hahahaha....
Back to work now..tonnes of unfinished work. Paid to work, not paid to blog..hehe...

Is it really coming true?

Havent been blogging for abt a week and gosh...so many things are taking a turn in life rite now. Its been ages since Im able to feel genuine happiness agn. Words are simply so hard to explain the exact feelings I have right now. If only time could freeze..I wish it could just remain at where it was. Issit too early to say that I see hope in life? Oh well..maybe this is it or maybe not. Guess right now, nothing else matters more than having the strength to hold on to what I have right now. Its true..no one knows what the future holds or where we will all be in a few years time, do we?? That moment did not once leave my mind...everything is just so fresh. Each time I thought of it..a smile just appears on my face...
Been home these couple of days cz it Shan's 1st few days in Pre-N. I must say that its been a great achievement seeing my babies grow day and day...and from an infant to pre-schoolers now. The heart wrenching screams frm Shan each time I send him to class do make me kinda guilty at times but I know I have to start somewhere..hearing him crying & banging the door, screaming out "I want mummy"....those 3 words brought nothing but tears to me on the 1st day...
Its a wednesday today...half of the week has gone by...feeling not too bad and its amazing...Ive never been able to stay happy for more than 2 days but look..Ive made it!! Exams next week..feeling kinda worried, hoping hard that I can score well. 3 more mths to go before I complete my course, still wondering if I should continue with my degree...26K!!! Sianz..will think abt it agn..LOL
Few more hours before its time to go to sch for my last lesson of this semester.. Suddenly feeling a tinge of loneliness...Damn..what the hell Jane...hahahah....okok...gonna prep for sch

"Women mistakenly expect Men to react & behave the way they do, while Men continue to misunderstad what Women really need"

Not a New Year afterall...

Its only the 2nd day of new year and yet I have to shed tears agn. Been telling myself not to cry anymore but I guess this will never happen in the next few months or even years! At times I really feel its time to raise the white flag but what is really stopping me? Can someone pls tell me? Im trying so damn hard to make things work and to resolve matters but no matter how hard I try, its just not gonna work. I get blamed for this and that..no one seems to be appreciating my effort to make things work out well for all.
Made a call awhile ago and thought that 1 more problem is solved but I was so wrong. In the end, got a lecture from hubby cz I was cheated by 1 LS. Haiz..I asked if he could call and clarify but instead, he said if he were to make this clarification call, he will sure get it from LS..so I called lor..
and what the hell did I get in the end? This is freaking unreasonable..I hate it!!! I really hate it. It sucks big time. Life sucks. Everything sucks!