"Fear is finding fault with the future. If only we could keep in mind of how uncertain our future is, then we would never try to predict what could go

Just finished reading a blog that belonged to a stage 3 cervical cancer patient who had since passed away on 26 Dec 2008..am overwhelmed with mixed emotions now. I must say that Shandy's braveness is something we should salute. The humour she injected in her blog showed how brave she was or maybe..just trying to make the ppl ard her feel better..I dont know..
4 months from now will be my next pap smear test after a failed test done in Nov that came back with a class 2 result. At that point of time, all Dr Loke would say was, "We can still wait for 6 mths to have another test before we confirm anything. For now, dont worry too much." This sentance have been lingering on my mind since that fateful call on the morning of 12 Nov. For 1 whole week, I was leaving in constant fear, asking myself what if its really cancer..but as time goes by, I kept telling myself to stay strong..at least there is still that much time to buy..but now after reading Shandy's blog, the fear has returned. Dunno if its a good or bad thing but from her blog, at least I could anticipate how the whole process is gonna be but then agn...the thought of having to go through the pain and baldness...just so painful to handle...
Probably its still to early to be feeling this way cz you never know..maybe Im really gonna be fine..but....maybe not as well. Especially when Ive been having intermitant pain at my abdomen. I really dunno. Dun even dare go see doc for fear for news that I may not wanna hear..What to do? With all that had happened and is happening in my life, Ive been telling myself to stay strong cz Jane is a strong gerl but I know for sure...in 4 mths time...should the results be negative...its also the time I would fall. I dont want to get cancer. Im scared of it..Oh God...Pls help me. Pls keep me safe, pls let it be a false alarm. Pls dont let this happen to me. My babies are still so young...they need me.
Since everything is still too early to know...I shall begin my countdown then....125 days to go before the revelation.

Tonight is the night..another set of fear again..damn it! Why is this happening? Do I really need to go? People are given choices but in this case...am I given one? well...like I said...I will do my part till the last day. For all you know, I may be walking towards the light..whahaha...WTF...be Optimistic Jane!! Optimistic...yeah!!! hahahaha....
Back to work now..tonnes of unfinished work. Paid to work, not paid to blog..hehe...