Ever asked myself if there is anyone out there who yearn so much for the happiness that lies so close, but yet cannot reach it no matter how much we do...Am I really destined to be unhappy? At times, I dwell so deep inside me that I never once be able to see the light of day. The scary thing is walking like a zombie everyday with the same thoughts running in my mind...The past never happened, the future isnt gonna come and the present just isnt as real as I want it to be. Depression is just like part of my life..just like a shadow to me. The day just simply warms up everyone except me...why? Each time I feel that happiness lies near yet my mind wouldnt allow me to reach for it and thats when I know...happiness is slipping through my hand. I feel as if Im living in prison or rather more to solitary confinement and nothing surronds me except fear...and it seems just like a prison guard watching over me.
Insecurity gets over me at times and it always frightens me. I can waste so much time feeling insecure and trust me, life just doesnt have to be that way for me....but it did. Imagine waking up in the morning afraid to open my eyes cz I know it will be another day of grief. A day of fear, a day of wondering and at times, a day of loneliness, a day of confusion. Is this ever going to be away? All the pain and hurt I feel, and all the anger and hatred..is it still gonna stay with me.
As the day past and night comes, once again another type of fear. Afraid of having nightmares. At times, all I can do is just stare at my wall and as much as I try to hold on...those tears just flow freely. What is it that's causing me this feeling? Another night of crying and hiding, another freaking night of insecurity and pain. Alone once again, my heart just feels so empty, its a kind of feeling that is so hard to explain. The sour type of squeezing just directly at the heart. Sometimes I just cant cry anymore and I wish to know when are all these gonna end?
Thursday, February 5, 2009
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