Its a calling from the devil...

Cant remember when was the last time I had a peaceful sleep throughout. Been an eventful yet drastic week for me. As my favourite verse says, "Expect the unexpected"...well...that was what exactly greeted me this morning. Waking up unexpectedly at 5.30, head felt like it was exploding. Pain was unbearable and decided to call him to see if he could send me to the nearest clinic. Not only did I not get to request for help, he off his hp after I called twice. Sent him an sms and when I managed to get thru him the 3rd time, he shouted at me before hanging up on me. Here I was trying to just request for a little help but instead, I was left wondering what I did to deserve such fucked up treatment. Popped down 4 panadols and 1 sleeping pill..hoping that would help...and just when I thought I was abt to go into dreamland, I heard the door slam open. I was shocked and nearly in tears...He dropped the next bomb shell...
I just lied down in bed, tears trickling down my cheeks, I just could not move. I didnt wanna bother. He came in the 2nd time and made some demands...I chose to ignore...I felt helpless. Part of me felt full of vengance. I didnt wanna lift a finger to help. Why sld I always give in to demands? I wanted him to feel the same agony I had gone thru, the pain and shame of having to clean up. Finally....I went to take a look...I was shock! Lost! If there is a word to decribe my exact feeling at that point...its like death. I just wanted to leave. I hate the sight of it. Without a single word, I went back to the room...then his hp caught my eye...I was tempted but I know its wrong..in the end, I checked his messages..and what I saw just left me standing rooted with despair. I know its time to leave...the worst have yet to happen.
On my way to work..many things came flowing in. I knew I have to get control of my life..I need determination. I kept asking myself...why do I look brave on the outside but what lies inside me..is just a vulnerable creature. I hate myself for having to take this step 6 years ago. I hate this person who had ruin my life. Im only 26 now, what I have done to deserve such painful road. Each step I take seems like Im walking on needles...I need courage but it seems like courage has left me to fend for myself. Can someone please help me through this?
Im feeling the weight on me...its so heavy. God, please lift this up from me. Please show me the light, send your angels down to guide me please. Replace my fear with courage pls...
Is it time for me to go find you Lord, to be with all the other angels in heaven? Or am I still destined to live this life feeling every single needles pricking at me?
Responsibility?? What is it? Sucks! Responsibility brought me to where I am now...who should I blame? Who said humans should be responsible in the things they do in life? Love? What is love? I married a guy who claimed he loved me...and this is what love is all about? What sucky values are these??? I was rebellious, I was a bad girl...I changed for the sake of living a normal life...I changed for love and I changed for responsibility...and what do I get in the end?
Guess its a sign...issit? Dont blame me should I walk back to who I used to be....Adios!!

Loving and Trusting is a decision...not a choice

The wheather is freaking hot today. Just got back from lunch, had craving for ayam penyak since last month and woo hoo...I managed to eat them today. But then now my throat hurts. Havent been well yet and here I am, indulging myself in all these sinful & spicy food!! hahaha
Today is a busy day...cant believed I reached office at abt 6.45am but end up...didnt have to attend the war. Had a tough time completing the team's appraisal, ops meeting pushed to 2.30pm, have to meet Cindy at 3pm then 4pm another meeting with Simon...arrgghh...Seems like I cant get to "eat snake" for the rest of the day liao...sob sob
Cant wait for the day to end, feeling super not well. Cant even breathe properly. So tempted to take my med now but I know if I ever pop this down, I will be fighting Zzz Monsters the very next moment.

(To be continued...)

Am having mixed emotions now. Angry & happy..hahaha...Angry becz some asshole just got into trouble agn. Hate it when I have to deal with staff like that. But then sometimes, I dun deny that customers are assholes too, right? Who says customers are always right? Neh...Totally disagree but then if customers are unreasonable and the staff wants to further agitate the customer, then I rest my case! Waste my time, now have to put up an investigation report $^%#^....Too bad..I've done what I can so...haiz....
Okie okie...wanna know what Im happy about? My appraisal!!! Yoo hoo...My wish came true when my ex-boss said he is doing my team's appraisal. Bo pian...have to chiong for 1 last year. I doubt Mr Santa Claus aka Loud Sneezer would be nice enough to give good grades and bonus! During the discussion, ex-boss told me something which of cz made me so trilled but of cz...I dun wanna put too much hope as well. Let's just see how things go ba...Wish me luck!!!
9 more mins..I cant wait to leave this office...feeling a little bit feverish now...I wish to declare that IM ALLERGIC TO CISCO!! hahahahhaha....

Lord...Take my emptiness away

Why am I still feeling so miserable now? Whole morning have past and Im drowning myself with any work I can find. Hoping to put my heart at peace, Im listening to online church hymes but no matter how, I still feel some tinge of emptiness in me. Its so hard to describe it in words but I know Im doing all I can to keep myself busy & distracted. My heart just feels so empty now. Never ending pressure, Never ending pain, this is probably the closest I can describe my feelings now when I know my heart is empty. And there is no one I can share with, no one I can pour these feelings to, no one to hold me when I so feel like cry. Choking back this emotion is just like cutting myself up. I feel so lonely. I have given all I have and am not getting back most of what I have given to fill the empty spaces in my heart.
My soul is crying out loud. No one knows my inner self, not even I...and no one seems to know the darkness within these shadows...

I Offer My Life

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, alll of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

What can we give
That you have not given?
And what do we have
That is not already yours?
All we possess
Are these lives we're living
That's what we give to you, Lord

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life
Lord I offer you my life

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind

When I think deeply, I think about all the horrible things he put me through. And it seems like I have come to a conclusion that he is just a typical guy who is just here to hurt me. Unless he can prove to me that there is more in me than just what he wants. I hate it when I have no sense in sticking through all these pain, lying, disbelief, anger, betrayal and I really hate him for having put me through this roller coaster ride. Im so sick of the lies and at times it hurts to see him to what he is today and yet having people telling me that he is just making use of me. At times, I just blow them off. I was completely blind until last night. Reality hits me and is telling me that everything people said and everything I had felt was all true. For the past 6 years, he had lied..repeatedly. How I wish he can just see for himself what kind of man he is. How about now grow up and prove to me and everyone else and especially himself that he is a man enough to have a relationship without repeated lies and betrayal. Until he one day he understands all the pain he had put through to someone who has been with him through thick and thin, I guess there will never be forgiveness.
Im struggling like a freaking dog here trying to make ends meet but yet on the other side of it, I have someone that doesnt feel the pinch of it. I hate having to go through this every other day. I hate lies. I have never felt so fucking betrayed in my life before. If only I can literally explain in detail how this betrayal felt...
I guess its time for me to find myself all over agn...all over agn.....

Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable.

Woke up this morning feeling nothing but added heartaches and agony. Asking myself time & time agn if this is really what I want. I really dun wanna do this anymore. Life seems so meaningless. Its seems as if I have no purpose..no purpose for life. My existence is so meaningless and its so filled with strife. Many a times I feel so stressed, this stress is extremely huge thats it practically seems as though Im drowning in it. I need a place for refuge now, a place to clean up all my blood. These wounds in my heart are so severe and its quickly making me weak. I need someone to wipe away my tear, a tear that represents all the pain I have. Who is there to take take me away from this misery, who is there to relieve me of this pain. Lord, pls help to set me free & unlock this metal chain in me. I wish to ask myself this question, what is the purpose of my being? Do I even have one in the 1st place? I cant believe that the answer I have is the fact that I have none.
Day in day out, having to anticipate mood swings, tempers, etc...Im slowly drawing myself away. Drawing myself away to a very very far distant. What do I really owe in my previous life that I have to go through this now? Im only human...Im not any wonder super heros that can take this kinda life everyday. Imagine this...You turn on the lights of your room as you drowsily walk in but then being greeted with nothing but a painful stab in the back...how would that feel?
"To trust is to be trusted, While to lie is to be fooled"...Such quote speaks to my heart with painful force. While the future becomes nothing but a glimpse of burning past and lies upon deception cause heartbreak beyond ones relief...

God will Make a Way

After 1 whole month of agonizing wait, its great to be able to blog agn from work! Having accumulated tonnes of heartaches, its about time to explode. My heart beats every single moment in a familiar kind of rhythm, everything seems so alright on the surface but my heart seems to ache secretly. My heart aches for freedom, freedom from this world, freedom from these pain..but no matter what, Im imprisoned within all around me. Im hoping and waiting to know the truth about people, the truth about love, the truth about God, the truth which engulfed in so many lies. Having ache for so many things, the pain and suffering is just too overwhelming but somehow I know I still have the limited strength to go on.
Im beginning to feel the weight right now, feeling the pain that's becoming unbearable. How shall I explain? Erm...like poison spreading thru my tiny veins, slowly pushing me to the end of darkness..and I mean eternal darkness. At times I feel that death is welcome anytime now cz I know certainly how it would numb this pain Im feeling and it will free me from my suffering eventually breaking the chains thats holding me down..knowing that the pain Im going thru is also hurting the people around me...but yet at times, it gets so unbearable knowing that I had to live with it alone. I know death will free me from all these pain one day and that will be the day I gain my freedom, freedom from pain, freedom from life & freedom from people....but then again...am I being fair to those who care about me? Am I being fair to my babies? Will they hate me from taking away the mother's love they yearn for? Holding on till now, I know Im drawing every strength from both of them...the laughters and giggles brings at least some joy to my life...do I really wanna let this go? Ive got my answers now but will that answer change.....
Ive been repeating this hyme last night "God will make a way". It brought tears to me...I asked myself how distant I am with HIM, will he forgive me for only seeking him in times of hardship? Many a times, I felt he had forsaken me but yet I knew..he never did. For if he ever had, I would not be where I am today now but then agn, what is the message Im lacking from all these experiences? Will I ever get to see light at the end of the tunnel Lord? What is it that Ive yet to know? Lord, everyone believed that you will make a way for us when things dun seem to have a way. They said u works in every ways that we cant see and u will eventually make a way for us...Lord, pls help me. Take me out of the darkness and guide me thru. I need you..pls dun forsake me. Please be my guide and hold me closely to you side Lord.
Just recieved an sms from Nicole, its so ironic that such things always happen at the last minute and I really wonder if its a sign for me from you God. Is there a message you are silently telling me? Or issit just coincidence? Its just so weird. This is the 4th time (if I remembered correctly) that such things happened. Show me more signs Lord if this is really your works. Took me the whole weekend to make this decision, whole 2 days I felt a tinge of nervousness and fear. This morning, I never once had a moment when I felt at eased till this message from Nicole.
Why is money the devil to all problems? Why? Can someone pls enlighten me?