Cant remember when was the last time I had a peaceful sleep throughout. Been an eventful yet drastic week for me. As my favourite verse says, "Expect the unexpected"...well...that was what exactly greeted me this morning. Waking up unexpectedly at 5.30, head felt like it was exploding. Pain was unbearable and decided to call him to see if he could send me to the nearest clinic. Not only did I not get to request for help, he off his hp after I called twice. Sent him an sms and when I managed to get thru him the 3rd time, he shouted at me before hanging up on me. Here I was trying to just request for a little help but instead, I was left wondering what I did to deserve such fucked up treatment. Popped down 4 panadols and 1 sleeping pill..hoping that would help...and just when I thought I was abt to go into dreamland, I heard the door slam open. I was shocked and nearly in tears...He dropped the next bomb shell...
I just lied down in bed, tears trickling down my cheeks, I just could not move. I didnt wanna bother. He came in the 2nd time and made some demands...I chose to ignore...I felt helpless. Part of me felt full of vengance. I didnt wanna lift a finger to help. Why sld I always give in to demands? I wanted him to feel the same agony I had gone thru, the pain and shame of having to clean up. Finally....I went to take a look...I was shock! Lost! If there is a word to decribe my exact feeling at that point...its like death. I just wanted to leave. I hate the sight of it. Without a single word, I went back to the room...then his hp caught my eye...I was tempted but I know its wrong..in the end, I checked his messages..and what I saw just left me standing rooted with despair. I know its time to leave...the worst have yet to happen.
On my way to work..many things came flowing in. I knew I have to get control of my life..I need determination. I kept asking myself...why do I look brave on the outside but what lies inside me..is just a vulnerable creature. I hate myself for having to take this step 6 years ago. I hate this person who had ruin my life. Im only 26 now, what I have done to deserve such painful road. Each step I take seems like Im walking on needles...I need courage but it seems like courage has left me to fend for myself. Can someone please help me through this?
Im feeling the weight on me...its so heavy. God, please lift this up from me. Please show me the light, send your angels down to guide me please. Replace my fear with courage pls...
Is it time for me to go find you Lord, to be with all the other angels in heaven? Or am I still destined to live this life feeling every single needles pricking at me?
Responsibility?? What is it? Sucks! Responsibility brought me to where I am now...who should I blame? Who said humans should be responsible in the things they do in life? Love? What is love? I married a guy who claimed he loved me...and this is what love is all about? What sucky values are these??? I was rebellious, I was a bad girl...I changed for the sake of living a normal life...I changed for love and I changed for responsibility...and what do I get in the end?
Guess its a sign...issit? Dont blame me should I walk back to who I used to be....Adios!!
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