We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope

Disappointment....
People says women's instinct is hardly wrong...Ive proved that point. My hope is burst just within a sec...I Hate the SWINES!

The day has ended bad....

End of the day after 1 long day filled with numerous meetings...
No calls, no sms (except for 1 that says no lunch)...nothing else...
Cant describe the feeling much except with 1 simple word~Hurt :~(

I need alcohol now! Arrgghhh...

A start of another boring weekday...

Didnt sleep well last night as Ashley was running a fever again. Her fever was like a roller coaster ride and poor mummy me was so worried and at abt 3am, we decided to take rush her to A&E agn..but little Ashley refused and was whining. Breaks my heart to see her in that state...so I continued to sponge her and told myself if her fever do not go down by 4am, I will not take any chances. At 4am, her fever was still ard but at least the temp was going down and before I knew it, mummy fell aslp cz she's feeling super tired and the thought of having to drag myself up in 2 hours to go to work...Sucks! Just as I thought I was falling aslp, it was time to wake up!!!! Arrgghh...Another sucky day at work I guess. I suppose the only relief I had was to know that Ashley's fever is gone..and Im hoping it will not come back..
Change of transport to work today too...haha...decided to take the train instead and suprisingly, Ive reached ofc so much earlier and on top of that, I manage to get breakfast and also finish reading the papers! haha....not a bad start for the day huh? Oops...just realised that I bought soya bean but forgot the bloody spoon...well done mummy Jane :)
okie dokie...the time on the avaya phone states that its already 0838hrs...so that means mummy Jane have to get back to work...Meetings at 10am, 2pm & 5pm...haiz..sad life...
Updates agn later on if free...ciao~

There was a lonely flower waiting for someone who can accept and pick her up
Then savior came to fulfill the emptiness
Full of joy, happiness, laughter and pain.
One fine dream came true..

As time goes by,wind blows in a shadow room
People know that it's perfect one
Living in the iron mask and feel so pathetic
Suddenly I became alone in the Dark
Feeling of something that unexplainable
with grievances and pain..

Deep down inside love became empty
Pretending to be happy to escape the fear
Living for nothing is not the answer
To live alone in the cage of love.

Praying to live a life of a normal woman

Suddenly feels like 24 hours is never enuff. Work piling up...and Im getting worried! Things dun seem to be going right for me and soon fear will be felt in no time. How? Just had a long meeting with Leong Seng and Meng Lee (think thats his name...) hahah....so many things to discuss. Then email from bosses to get this done that done...Arrgghhh...Just the thought of it makes me wanna leave ASAP! Work life wasnt like that 6 months ago...I was able to manage and get things done the way bosses wants it. There was no outstanding and minimal mistakes..but look at me now. Only proves 1 thing...Im not an operation person..since we have been moved to be under the hands of IOC, life had not been easy. I feel the stress..no one seems to be helping. This is definitely not the type of pace I can take. How? Am I still suited for this job? Can someone pls tell me???
Meeting Panpan for ice-cream and discussion later on...this is another issue that kept me all fuzzled up. A part of me wants my bestie to be working in the same company but then agn...haiz...shall not go in depth. All I know is Im in a confused state right now.
Im feeling so lost now. Had a thorough thinking abt my life and my future..I know what I want for myself and the kids...but right now what I really need is the courage, support and of cz...Financial support. If only moving out is just like learning ABC! Cant imagine what life would be like the day I move out...I hate the process of having to pack everything..what if I leave something behind? I just dun wanna go back there anymore after I leave that place. Who's gonna help me along? Im so afraid...but Im determine to leave. I cant tolerate the kind of life Im in right now. Im proud of myself though..for the past 1 month, I have been keeping quiet, swollowing every words said and not sheding a single tear in front of him. I had to show him that Im strong and I can live with the insults, etc. But deep down, Im counting down to the day I can live to be myself. Live with no worries..Live a life of a normal woman...
And for that day...I pray in my heart...

Anxiety soon turned to Anger...

So many things have happened since my last post on 08 May. Shannon was admitted on the day I brought him to KK..fever was not going down at all no matter what we gave him. At A&E, he was diagonsed with viral bronchitis. Doc had to put him on the inhaler to help open his airways. Poor little boy was screaming & shouting..that simply brought tears to my eyes. I was all alone with him throughout this ordeal and slowly my axienty turned to anger and hatred. Every little child had both parents with them or at least a relative or fren to help manage. I was there all alone trying to tame my little boy down and yet both hands full. I didnt tell his dad of the child's admission cz I felt he had no right to know since he dun even bother anymore. But eventually he also got to know the news from his parents...damn...anyway..the whole hospital stay was a dreadful one. Shannon was put on drips and he was on medication every 3 hourly..even at night when the poor boy is sleeping.
He was finally discharged on the 12 May but that didnt end this dreadful ordeal for both mother and son.....

During the weekend, had a chalet gathering with classmates in celebration for the end of our course. It was an eventful year for us and it's great to know this group of ppl...Fun, loving, etc etc..the whole chalat was spent play mj, mj and more mj...luck wasnt on my end and I ended up losing quite abit..but I had baby who helped my cover my loses...hehehe...We also went to senoko fishery port and the seafood there are really really cheap!!! We bought 6 big fishes and 1 kg of prawns but we only spent $2o!!! (SINGAPORE DOLLARS) Cheap right?
2nd day of chalet was abit messy...hehe..shall not go into details but dear Jane me was drunk! All thanks to...Bleah...Okok...Skip that day ba...a day I dun wanna rmb cz I was teased so badly by the gang and on top of that..it makes me feel guilty thinking abt how badly I had wounded my baby...Anyway, last day was Great! We went to Escape theme park and WWW. So funny to see the gang on the viking. They were screaming and shouting...I was not on it cz ..yes..Im scared! hehe...And yup..the day ended with a great bbq from left over foods. Whahaha...

Week went on as usual, work, work and more work. Met the MDIS gang for movie on tues, then wed we went to Arena. 1st time see Uncle Toh dancing. So funny. Didnt really like that place but the company was great. Ytd went Leipan for dinner at Bedok 85. But at night...haiz...another dreadful night..Shan was running an extremely high fever that didnt go away even after his vist to KK A&E in the morning. Gave him the necessary medications but still didnt go down, sent him back to A&E agn..medication given, still didnt subside...I was getting worried and scared and so alone...At that point, I felt helpless. Why must I be put in that shit all alone. But looking at the bright side, it was bonding time with Shannon. He was so close to me...just him and me. We were chatting, drawing, laughing and watching tv together...I couldnt ask for anything more..When he smiled at me weakly, that simply melts my heart. Holding him close to me, craddling him till he fall asleep. It was finally a relief when his tempreture slowly fall. I felt so happy that I just wanted to jump up and cheer for it. It was 8.19am when we could finally leave the hospital. I felt so tired and sleepy and sick...

Dumb Struck...

He just called and screamed at me for something he didnt make clear of. Was so lost of words cz I was not even given a chance to explain myself..or rather..I was given a chance but before I could complete my sentance, he started to hurl more abusive words on me. These few days or even weeks, I had already avoided any quarrels or arguements as I am so tired of the whole episode but yet...With tears welling up, all I could do was to swollow it and move on.
Angie called to inform that ah boyis running a high fever agn. temp at 38.5...gosh, my heart just felt the pain..my baby hasnt been well lately..just 2 sundays ago, we took him to KK A&E and now he is still not well...I wanted so badly to rush home and take him to the hosp but then I have 3 appts pending...arrgghh...what the hell!!! This time round I felt so lost agn...and this lost is slowly turning to anger cz my son's father dun even bother and yet only care abt his bloody internet! Chee Bye!

Waiting for time to pass....

Patiently waiting for time to past. Meeting LeiPan for massage at taka. Poor girl...have been waiting for me there since 3pm..hehe..
Been almost a month since my last post..been rather busy and if I were to update the past post now...wow...its gonna be alot..
Currently the nation is on alert for this bloody swine flu thingy. Everyone is on their toes, not know what's gonna happen next. Instructions to go for injection tomoro. Finally Certis is doing something worthwhile for the staffs...hopefully we dun see a deduction in our next pay slip for this jab..LOL...
Feeling excited yet scared at the same time...painful!! Sob sob...next gonna take the kids for the jab as well..what is the world coming to? Gosh...infectious diseases going everywhere..1st was SARS, the bird flu and now swine flu..what's next? Is this a sign that the world is coming to an end? Hmm...Am currently also dwn with a flu..okok..shall call it runny nose instead. hehe...1st time is my life, Im afraid to see a doc for such flu symptoms...well..u nvr know..they might just send me to Aloha for the next 7 days! Yes..its a chalat but not a place anyone wana go for now....Trust me.. :P
Yawn...feeling sleepy...hopefully the massage is gonna be a good massage to relief stress and tension. Went to Bintan last week with Leipan & gang, on the 2nd day, we all went for a wonderful spa session..apparently not all enjoyed though. But the girls enjoyed for sure...the massage was sensual and relaxing...Sensual...haha...the right word to use. Someone (shall not mention her name) even told me at one point, she felt "high"..hehe...Indeed! Not "high" for me though but just this tingling feeling....hehe....now Im wondering what tantric massage would feel like..hehe...ok..Stop it Jane! Get back here...hahahahaha....
But overall..I would rate it a 9 and a half. Though the tip was a short one but I must say..it was a fulfilling trip..unfortunately Huiwen last min could not join us or else..she would be enjoying herself as much as we all do. Well..one thing for sure..this is our 1st trip but nvr the last.
Okok...gonna leave office now....getting late!!