Emotion-less............................

A smile may light upon my face but yet I feel so empty. A laugh may burst out loud any time but yet I only feel hollow. Whenever something sad happens, tears just couldnt wait to drop but yet I feel nothing. Whenever someone scares me to death, I scream but yet I only feel dissolvent.
Lately I know I can show any expression but deep down, it will slowly not mean anything. My heart is only an organ now cz my soul has escaped far away.

Empty

Dunno why but feel a sense of emptiness in me now....Just wanted to hold him tight but yet I stood to my ground firmly with no emotion...
As the saying goes;

No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won't make you cry...

Moving ahead, I really have no idea what to do or what I should not do...but will just leave it and let nature takes its course...

The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar...

All these while, though going through a hell load of issues in life, I must say there are small achievements also. For the past couple of months, I was bursting with confidence and overflowing with excitement. I was convinced I'd done it, convinced that I had succeeded. Just a couple weeks back, I was feeling down at work, with so many things to manage, feeling all the stress, someone just walked up to me and said, "I know you are not feeling very good but I hope this news can cheer you up. You have been promoted." Of cz initially I didnt believe but as the conversation progress, I was filled with satisfaction & happiness. Finally for a job I had been handling for 2 years, my efforts are recognised..I was even more convinced when Andrew approached me with the same thing..That was when I believe and held on to hopes...However, today at 1605hrs, when I found out the news, I was crushed! Feeling empty and broken, but somehow I managed & I tried to pull myself together. Determined not to cry, determined to be fine..but I know Im not. Disappointment can be so freaking bitter that I feel as if I've lost my worth. Not only that...I felt I've lost my pride. Its just so humilating! But thats not what it matters now...I just feel super duperly disappointed..I wish I can hide somewhere and cry my heart out.

Oh well..just gonna take it lightly (I hope I can..). Just gonna tell myself that without disappointment, I have nowhere left to go. Hope can be amazing if Im ready to face a better future because without hope, I guess I will be forever lost. Bloody hell..cant believe I can still be in self denial! hahah...

Ps: To whoever is viewing this particular entry, pls dun ask or say anything. Im already feeling shitty..just wanna move on.. thanks :)

Tears are words the heart can't say

I cant exactly know how Im feeling now but Im sure there is this great deal of depression that has overtaken my soul and my mind. Its flooding me to the brim and I feel I can hardly breathe.
I wonder and worry throughout the day, of what is to come or what is to be expected. I dunno if I can hold on further but deep down I know Im feeling the torture. As a flood of tears is waiting to pour out, the harder I hold, the more pain I feel. A pact I've made to myself last night, Im not gonna shed a single tear this week...or at least I hope. Its not even 24 hrs to the promise Ive made to myself but yet Im already holding on so badly. I assure myself that everything is ok but who am I fooling? I know I can fool others but who am I to fool myself? I know exactly how I feel but yet I have to tell myself that everything is ok?? Thats Crap!! Waiting to burst into a spirit of rage. Waiting to explode and let the tears flow...I have so many questions and I know there are answers but Im too afraid and just too weak. I know there is no wrong or right to how I feel but as I battle with myself...I always lose the fight. Many a times I feel so intimidated but everything that is happening around me. I feel so small, I feel like a child, I feel helpless & in the end..I feel Im hopeless. The pain in me is so real..real till I can literally feel it cutting through my flesh. Sometimes I wonder if I were to lose control, will I go wild? Will I go crazy or even insane?
No one hears me or seems to understand me. I feel as though Im speaking in silence hoping that one day, someone will see my words, my message, my true self...
Many a times I tell myself..be strong and strive for a better future..everything happened for a reason but earlier this morning...I sit at my desk..staring into my lappy and asked myself why do I have to put myself through all these shit? Dun I have the privillage to protect myself & some of my assets? Cant I have savings for myself just in case of rainy days? Why am I throwing in so much for things not accumulated by me? The embaressment and trauma of having to go thru what should not have been my problem has all surfaced and no one seems to be able to understand that feeling...
I wished for a stronger and better life filled with everlasting touch, no worries, no pain, no sadness, no tears..ironically Im here dreaming the future but yet holding the past..
My body is filled to the max with so many confusions & heartaches. I wanna know if Im really here experiencing fullness? I must be cz the pain is so real and the hurt I feel could never be imagined but I believe I will pull through and destroy whatever faces into me..(I hope...crossing my fingers). Another pact Im making to myself now...As I struggle, I will fight until the end....