Tears are words the heart can't say

I cant exactly know how Im feeling now but Im sure there is this great deal of depression that has overtaken my soul and my mind. Its flooding me to the brim and I feel I can hardly breathe.
I wonder and worry throughout the day, of what is to come or what is to be expected. I dunno if I can hold on further but deep down I know Im feeling the torture. As a flood of tears is waiting to pour out, the harder I hold, the more pain I feel. A pact I've made to myself last night, Im not gonna shed a single tear this week...or at least I hope. Its not even 24 hrs to the promise Ive made to myself but yet Im already holding on so badly. I assure myself that everything is ok but who am I fooling? I know I can fool others but who am I to fool myself? I know exactly how I feel but yet I have to tell myself that everything is ok?? Thats Crap!! Waiting to burst into a spirit of rage. Waiting to explode and let the tears flow...I have so many questions and I know there are answers but Im too afraid and just too weak. I know there is no wrong or right to how I feel but as I battle with myself...I always lose the fight. Many a times I feel so intimidated but everything that is happening around me. I feel so small, I feel like a child, I feel helpless & in the end..I feel Im hopeless. The pain in me is so real..real till I can literally feel it cutting through my flesh. Sometimes I wonder if I were to lose control, will I go wild? Will I go crazy or even insane?
No one hears me or seems to understand me. I feel as though Im speaking in silence hoping that one day, someone will see my words, my message, my true self...
Many a times I tell myself..be strong and strive for a better future..everything happened for a reason but earlier this morning...I sit at my desk..staring into my lappy and asked myself why do I have to put myself through all these shit? Dun I have the privillage to protect myself & some of my assets? Cant I have savings for myself just in case of rainy days? Why am I throwing in so much for things not accumulated by me? The embaressment and trauma of having to go thru what should not have been my problem has all surfaced and no one seems to be able to understand that feeling...
I wished for a stronger and better life filled with everlasting touch, no worries, no pain, no sadness, no tears..ironically Im here dreaming the future but yet holding the past..
My body is filled to the max with so many confusions & heartaches. I wanna know if Im really here experiencing fullness? I must be cz the pain is so real and the hurt I feel could never be imagined but I believe I will pull through and destroy whatever faces into me..(I hope...crossing my fingers). Another pact Im making to myself now...As I struggle, I will fight until the end....