Not feeling too good..took med but still feel super uncomfy. Cant afford to fall sick now cz campaign starts tmr and I need to be in. Haiz..Baby's not ard today and yet no calls from him except 1 sms at 1115hrs. Its way past 2pm already but nothing heard from him. Dun they have lunch time? Just ytd we had a talk and he said so much to me but now...
Guess he's enjoying himself at the retreat that he totally forgotten that his gf is here waiting for his call especially when sick and just needed him.
Dun think Im able to hold on till 6pm, gonna leave to see the doc and have some rest before the war begins tmr...Ta Ta..
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
To the world he may be one person, but to one person he may be the world
Why do I have this very weird feeling in me? I find it so hard to explain. Is this some kind of insecurity or plain jealously? For a moment I was very touched when he asked me if I would like to join him for dinner with his team of ppl, its a kind of reassurance that I thought he was giving me. He gave me a choice if I wanted to go with him, if not he will choose not to go. I must say..I was indeed happy and relive but that feeling was shortlived. Cz as the conversation continued and I asked who was going, he mentioned her name on the maybe list. And then he said he will not go, he rather spend time alone with me. Should I be happy that he wanted to spend time alone with me or should I find this weird that he suddenly decided against going? Is it becz of her? That he doesnt want her to feel awkward with my pressence? If he had decided against going, then why bother to tell me and ask me in the first place? To set the records straight, Im not dying and insisting to join the dinner but isnt this whole thing just so weird? I tried to brush this whole thing aside cz I'm probably over sensitive. But on the way to lunch, I jokingly pop a question and his reply stunned me! He added by saying that he asked her if she was going and the reply she gave........haiz...what the hell does that mean?
Looking back, this whole picture paints the same when Alan was still ard. And when there were outings, I still insisted baby come along. I dunno right now if baby's decision for not going is becz he is concern abt how she would feel if she sees me or issit becz he just doesnt wanna go?? Arrghh..Why am I getting so troubled over this issue? Does loving someone very much constitude to such reaction? If so..then wouldnt love equates to pain? Baby's daily night out with his frens is also putting some stress on me but no matter how many times we talk abt this, we always ended up in quarrels & eventually he still gets his way. Im exhuasted with the frequent arguements becz at the end of the day, I know that no matter how unhappy I am, the outcome will still remain the same. If it makes him happy that way, I will oblige cz I know thats what love is all abt. Love is wanting and having ur other half to remain happy.
Looking back, this whole picture paints the same when Alan was still ard. And when there were outings, I still insisted baby come along. I dunno right now if baby's decision for not going is becz he is concern abt how she would feel if she sees me or issit becz he just doesnt wanna go?? Arrghh..Why am I getting so troubled over this issue? Does loving someone very much constitude to such reaction? If so..then wouldnt love equates to pain? Baby's daily night out with his frens is also putting some stress on me but no matter how many times we talk abt this, we always ended up in quarrels & eventually he still gets his way. Im exhuasted with the frequent arguements becz at the end of the day, I know that no matter how unhappy I am, the outcome will still remain the same. If it makes him happy that way, I will oblige cz I know thats what love is all abt. Love is wanting and having ur other half to remain happy.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Im a strong girl..I wont shed a tear
Weather check for today : Gloomy with light showers.
Am feeling super gloomy today. Things always dun seem to go right. Just when I tot this month would be a better month compared to the last, I was so wrong. These couple of days were rather busy with the overwhelming call volume due to some new changes. Down by manpower, rushing off reports..hmm, feeling the stress agn. Some of my team mates not very co-operative while some are working their ass off despite the pressure. Had a meeting earlier, boss said something which i really dunno if I should do or not? Penalizing ppl for high MCs yet what are the consequences gonna be? This team is so small and I really must say that I miss the old team..the team back in nov last year. Sometimes boss said somethings which I find quite true but at the same time, I dunno whats fighting devil in me. The good devil I mean. My performance had dropped alot, I can feel it myself but sometimes I really wonder if its becz of me alone or something else? Dun get the type of support I needed from my superior, things I wanna do have to be pulled back. Can no longer fight for sales, no longer fight for projects that helps both my team as well as the dept. Feels that martin is very rigid in his thoughts. I feel that he can be very baise at times. Seems like everything is all abt Ops and CAMS, then where do we really stand? Asked for extra head-count, req was turned down but this afternoon's meeting, heard him giving the go ahead to recep to recruit. Showed him numbers, figures, SLs but all efforts went furtile.
Early this month, I was frantically searching for jobs becz I tot I was gonna lose baby, I just needed to get a job and leave this place, a place that brings loads of memories and of cz heartaches if we were to end this r'ship. But after knowing that our r'ship could go on, I shelved away the tot of leaving but just when all this work issues caught me thinking, I started receiving calls from places I applied for jobs...but I dunno what heaven is playing with me. Missed 3 calls from GV ytd and 1 from LTA, when I called back, either no answer or not ard and by evening...my bloody hp was disconnected! Tell me..is this some kind of game? What have I done to deserve this? I dont wanna take part in this game. Its not fun!
Phone line disconnected, no one can reach me, meaning even if a good job comes along, they cant reach me. Feel bloody retarded without my phone!! Argghh...why do this have to happen now? I was still hoping that this can be delayed for another week. When I made early payment, no one noted that but when a payment comes in late, they cant wait to suspend the line. Today baby asked me a question that i could not answer. He asked if I was in debt. I was like..WTF? How to answer? At the end of the day, I promised I wont go back to night life..but I am struggling. Arrgghh...no matter what, I know I have to manage but I also will keep my word to baby . Can someone just let me strike toto or 4D? Dun need much..1st prize $2k..I will be a happy woman...hahah....
Shannon is now also not well, hoping that i dun have to take him to the doc agn. Why issit that when Im trying so hard to curb on my spending, the unexpected had to happen? When I left my lipo package on hold for so long, none of this came abt. Just 2 days after I went for it, I had to fork out $500 to pay someone, settle bills, fees, etc. Why type of game is this all abt?? Can someone pls tell me..get me out of this game can?
This weekend kids having their race, we have a room there and Im sure the kids will have great fun. I had promised to take them swimming and to the theme park. But now Im really wondering if I can hold on to my promise and not use my credit card. But whatever the case is, Im not gonna disappoint the kids like how their daddy always disappoint them. He always made promises which he cant keep and seeing them so sad really hurts. So with daddy or without daddy, mummy will still hold on to any promises made to them...at least to the best of my ability. Now and the future, I just need them to know that even without daddy ard, they can still have all the love every kid would get.
30 more mins to knock off time. Dunno what to do after finish blogging. Facebook?? Hmm..dunno if I want to even continue being an addict to FB. It's really too much. But what can I say? It's baby's fren afterall..or rather his so-called brother! Baby always say I dunno how to choose my frens and we always had to quarrel becz of my frens. Becz of that, I put in all effort to not make baby unhappy but it's the other way now. All the while, baby probably thinks Im over possesive over his going out with frens on weekdays till late night. No matter how I try to explain myself, he still went ahead with his plans, causing me to have a whole night of worries, hurt and sometimes even crying myself to sleep. Baby has always been very protective over his "brothers" and Im not surprise if he shares every quarrels we have with them. Many a times when ppl ard asked if we had quarrel, I just had to lie and say no. I had to cook up excuses as to why we were not together, why he looked angry, why he not lunching with me, why I look so down, why this and why that! I guess as much as i can do...this is just a little way to protect ur other half. So does he protect me the same way to?
Now I come to realise why baby used to tell me that Daphne hates them too. When baby shared this with me last time, I brushed it off as her being unreasonable...but now, I feel the way she feels too. Before baby and I got together, he used to tell us during coffee sessions abt Daphne being unhappy with him, abt their quarrels they had just before baby came to join us..it keeps me wondering now if the same thing is happening agn but just having the female lead actress to be a different person. I hope its not and I also hope Im not in self denial. Im sure he loves me very much and if you love someone deeply, Im sure we will do everything to protect that person, am I right?
Gonna pack up now...baby should be coming over soon. Gonna go get his shoe then going for dinner. Im sure the night will end well...Im very sure it will..
I can do it...all will be fine. Im strong, I wont shed a tear...
Out in the darkness
Screaming but unheard,
Embracing the deception
No truth no recollection,
My pain has no real word.
Blood pours from my body
Tears pour from my eyes,
Love and hate,
A twisted fate,
Now time for me to die.
To suffer through life,
Is like living in hell.
My pain I shall keep
To myself in this deep,
On earth where I will dwell.
Fallen angels, beckon me
Summoning me, unto their lair.
Deceit and pain
Blood pours like rain,
Caught in a devious snare.
Shall my soul rest
For the first time in years?
Or shall I cry
Until I die,
Drowning in my tears?
Desperate cries to the gods above
Desperate cries to the one I love.
Desperate cries to find my fate
Desperate cries of love and hate.
Desperate cries, longing to expire
Desperate cries, to cover the lies,
Desperate cries to conceal the fear in my eyes.
Desperate cries, to an immortal slave
Desperate cries so I can be saved...
Desperate cries, death I desire.
Am feeling super gloomy today. Things always dun seem to go right. Just when I tot this month would be a better month compared to the last, I was so wrong. These couple of days were rather busy with the overwhelming call volume due to some new changes. Down by manpower, rushing off reports..hmm, feeling the stress agn. Some of my team mates not very co-operative while some are working their ass off despite the pressure. Had a meeting earlier, boss said something which i really dunno if I should do or not? Penalizing ppl for high MCs yet what are the consequences gonna be? This team is so small and I really must say that I miss the old team..the team back in nov last year. Sometimes boss said somethings which I find quite true but at the same time, I dunno whats fighting devil in me. The good devil I mean. My performance had dropped alot, I can feel it myself but sometimes I really wonder if its becz of me alone or something else? Dun get the type of support I needed from my superior, things I wanna do have to be pulled back. Can no longer fight for sales, no longer fight for projects that helps both my team as well as the dept. Feels that martin is very rigid in his thoughts. I feel that he can be very baise at times. Seems like everything is all abt Ops and CAMS, then where do we really stand? Asked for extra head-count, req was turned down but this afternoon's meeting, heard him giving the go ahead to recep to recruit. Showed him numbers, figures, SLs but all efforts went furtile.
Early this month, I was frantically searching for jobs becz I tot I was gonna lose baby, I just needed to get a job and leave this place, a place that brings loads of memories and of cz heartaches if we were to end this r'ship. But after knowing that our r'ship could go on, I shelved away the tot of leaving but just when all this work issues caught me thinking, I started receiving calls from places I applied for jobs...but I dunno what heaven is playing with me. Missed 3 calls from GV ytd and 1 from LTA, when I called back, either no answer or not ard and by evening...my bloody hp was disconnected! Tell me..is this some kind of game? What have I done to deserve this? I dont wanna take part in this game. Its not fun!
Phone line disconnected, no one can reach me, meaning even if a good job comes along, they cant reach me. Feel bloody retarded without my phone!! Argghh...why do this have to happen now? I was still hoping that this can be delayed for another week. When I made early payment, no one noted that but when a payment comes in late, they cant wait to suspend the line. Today baby asked me a question that i could not answer. He asked if I was in debt. I was like..WTF? How to answer? At the end of the day, I promised I wont go back to night life..but I am struggling. Arrgghh...no matter what, I know I have to manage but I also will keep my word to baby . Can someone just let me strike toto or 4D? Dun need much..1st prize $2k..I will be a happy woman...hahah....
Shannon is now also not well, hoping that i dun have to take him to the doc agn. Why issit that when Im trying so hard to curb on my spending, the unexpected had to happen? When I left my lipo package on hold for so long, none of this came abt. Just 2 days after I went for it, I had to fork out $500 to pay someone, settle bills, fees, etc. Why type of game is this all abt?? Can someone pls tell me..get me out of this game can?
This weekend kids having their race, we have a room there and Im sure the kids will have great fun. I had promised to take them swimming and to the theme park. But now Im really wondering if I can hold on to my promise and not use my credit card. But whatever the case is, Im not gonna disappoint the kids like how their daddy always disappoint them. He always made promises which he cant keep and seeing them so sad really hurts. So with daddy or without daddy, mummy will still hold on to any promises made to them...at least to the best of my ability. Now and the future, I just need them to know that even without daddy ard, they can still have all the love every kid would get.
30 more mins to knock off time. Dunno what to do after finish blogging. Facebook?? Hmm..dunno if I want to even continue being an addict to FB. It's really too much. But what can I say? It's baby's fren afterall..or rather his so-called brother!
Now I come to realise why baby used to tell me that Daphne hates them too. When baby shared this with me last time, I brushed it off as her being unreasonable...but now, I feel the way she feels too. Before baby and I got together, he used to tell us during coffee sessions abt Daphne being unhappy with him, abt their quarrels they had just before baby came to join us..it keeps me wondering now if the same thing is happening agn but just having the female lead actress to be a different person. I hope its not and I also hope Im not in self denial. Im sure he loves me very much and if you love someone deeply, Im sure we will do everything to protect that person, am I right?
Gonna pack up now...baby should be coming over soon. Gonna go get his shoe then going for dinner. Im sure the night will end well...Im very sure it will..
I can do it...all will be fine. Im strong, I wont shed a tear...
Out in the darkness
Screaming but unheard,
Embracing the deception
No truth no recollection,
My pain has no real word.
Blood pours from my body
Tears pour from my eyes,
Love and hate,
A twisted fate,
Now time for me to die.
To suffer through life,
Is like living in hell.
My pain I shall keep
To myself in this deep,
On earth where I will dwell.
Fallen angels, beckon me
Summoning me, unto their lair.
Deceit and pain
Blood pours like rain,
Caught in a devious snare.
Shall my soul rest
For the first time in years?
Or shall I cry
Until I die,
Drowning in my tears?
Desperate cries to the gods above
Desperate cries to the one I love.
Desperate cries to find my fate
Desperate cries of love and hate.
Desperate cries, longing to expire
Desperate cries, to cover the lies,
Desperate cries to conceal the fear in my eyes.
Desperate cries, to an immortal slave
Desperate cries so I can be saved...
Desperate cries, death I desire.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Pain is weakness leaving the body
Finally the end of the day. Stayed extra 19 mins cz needed to harvest my farm. hehe..Think Im hooked to this game already.
He just stepped in, tot it was to look for me but...in the end, its just becz of an umbrella. And then he walked out. Im really so lost for words now. Sms now...should I read or not..Is it gonna be something sweet or not? Hmm...let's take the risk...
Choking back tears. Im not gonna cry. Im strong. This is so not fair. He still have the mood to go out and have fun..2 nights in a row. And here I am dwelling on our problems. There is no more lively sensation in me now except for pain. Pain is such an uncomfortable feeling that even a tiny amount of it is enough to ruin the strong side of me.
Genevieve Jane Chan is a strong girl. Dun cry sweetie...U will be fine! Yes...I will be fine.
He just stepped in, tot it was to look for me but...in the end, its just becz of an umbrella. And then he walked out. Im really so lost for words now. Sms now...should I read or not..Is it gonna be something sweet or not? Hmm...let's take the risk...
Choking back tears. Im not gonna cry. Im strong. This is so not fair. He still have the mood to go out and have fun..2 nights in a row. And here I am dwelling on our problems. There is no more lively sensation in me now except for pain. Pain is such an uncomfortable feeling that even a tiny amount of it is enough to ruin the strong side of me.
Genevieve Jane Chan is a strong girl. Dun cry sweetie...U will be fine! Yes...I will be fine.
I just need to Smilez....All is fine!
Time seems to pass so slow today..arrgghh! Its only 3pm now and I cant wait to leave this place. Very draggy. Cant concerntrate on my work either. Mind kept wondering away. Help!!
Tomoro will be a better day.. Im sure it will!! yeah~
Tomoro will be a better day.. Im sure it will!! yeah~
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Rain Rain...
Walked down...only to find myself walking back up agn cz it was raining so heavily. Even with the umbrella, I doubt I can go back in one piece especially since Im wearing a dress. Looked abit kuku when I went pass the turnstile and went back thru the other..haha..
Am practically staring into this bloody screen right now..dunno what to type.
Yeah!! Sms just came in..Im sure its baby! :)
Its indeed baby that had message but have to replace the smiley face abv with this :(
Just read the message..I dunno what to make out of it. It read "You have done nth wrong, its totally my fault."
What does he mean actually? Is there sacarsm? Or does he mean it from his heart? Suddenly I feel so miserable agn.
Baby just stepped in...gave me a shock. Ok, now he's gone......haiz~
It all took 30 secs only! But its okie...at least he offered to send me back..so 30% healed.
Really felt the whole arguement (if u call that) was un-called for. It kept me thinking where I have gone wrong this time round. At times I wonder where the efforts I have put in gone to?? 47 days had past but just one word to describe me "Condemn"...hahahahaha...okie! Im going crazy liao!!! Im so hungry now! But the freaking rain has not stop. Hmm....maybe its a way for the sky to say "I'm crying on behalf of u"...hahaha...lame joke!
Am not gonna allow myself to dwell too much..just gonna think abt the good times we had :)
All will be fine. Im strong! I know I am..Smile & the whole world smile with me..Yeah~
Am practically staring into this bloody screen right now..dunno what to type.
Yeah!! Sms just came in..Im sure its baby! :)
Its indeed baby that had message but have to replace the smiley face abv with this :(
Just read the message..I dunno what to make out of it. It read "You have done nth wrong, its totally my fault."
What does he mean actually? Is there sacarsm? Or does he mean it from his heart? Suddenly I feel so miserable agn.
Baby just stepped in...gave me a shock. Ok, now he's gone......haiz~
It all took 30 secs only! But its okie...at least he offered to send me back..so 30% healed.
Really felt the whole arguement (if u call that) was un-called for. It kept me thinking where I have gone wrong this time round. At times I wonder where the efforts I have put in gone to?? 47 days had past but just one word to describe me "Condemn"...hahahahaha...okie! Im going crazy liao!!! Im so hungry now! But the freaking rain has not stop. Hmm....maybe its a way for the sky to say "I'm crying on behalf of u"...hahaha...lame joke!
Am not gonna allow myself to dwell too much..just gonna think abt the good times we had :)
All will be fine. Im strong! I know I am..Smile & the whole world smile with me..Yeah~
Monday, September 14, 2009
Happiest moment in months
First post for the month of september. Been rather busy lately with work that I can hardly find the time to blog. Now that my lappy is with IS for at least an hour more, Im able to finally sit down and pen down some thoughts.
Im feeling very happy & relieved since the talk I had with baby ytd. Im so glad he understood my thoughts and agreed to give me more time. At least for now, I can rest my mind knowing that I dun have to disrupt the kids schooling till end of the term. Been holding back for so long yet each time I wanna talk to him abt it, everything seems to choked right at my throat. The thought of risking having the relationship shorten is the factor that pulled me back. But after yesterday, I feel relaxed. I was so silly. Baby said I was silly too...He said I didnt have to suffer all in silence, he said I could tell him anything...but is that really the case? Maybe I wasjust thinking too much but the fact that I cant afford to lose him is something I can never deny. For the past couple of weeks, Baby and I get into arguements and quarrels so easily. There seems to be a commuication break down between us..we seem to be drifting apart...at one point of time, I thought I should just leave him, maybe he would feel happier but deep down, I know how much it's gonna hurt. But our determination to keep this relationship going is the prove of our love for each other...at least for me I suppose..I hope he feels the same way too. I'm putting in all I can to make this happen cz I know I want this to blossom into something more than just a simple relationship. Im already 27 and I wanna lead a normal and stable life..
Past 2 days was the happiest we ever had in months. There were absolutely zero arguements. We just had nothing but pure fun and enjoyment. It was just like when we first got together. I wished I could just stop the time, its a kind of happiness I can hardly explain. It was just ...US! It's been a long time since baby treated me like that already. I could feel love all over again.
Baby brought me to meet his frens on fri. It was scary at first..haha...I was having sweaty palms, I was feeling cold but he made me feel comfortable. He was trying so hard to make me feel easy :) somehow during some parts of the night, I start to wonder if I was doing ok....I was shy yet I didnt wanna give an impression that I was stuck up. I was quiet but I didnt wanna give an impression that I was unfriendly...it was a tough night but guess what??? I've made it through...Phew~ and I hope that there would be many more of such outings that baby will take me along. I just want us to be seen as ONE...am I asking too much?
Im determined not to allow anything to hurt our relationship but can I do it alone? Sometimes the insecurity I have in me, the fear I have in me, the negative thoughts I have in me...these are the feelings I wish I could eliminate..but can it really go away? I need confidence..both in myself and this relationship. I want to make this happen and Im determined to do so...and Im seeking for God's grace & help.
Im feeling very happy & relieved since the talk I had with baby ytd. Im so glad he understood my thoughts and agreed to give me more time. At least for now, I can rest my mind knowing that I dun have to disrupt the kids schooling till end of the term. Been holding back for so long yet each time I wanna talk to him abt it, everything seems to choked right at my throat. The thought of risking having the relationship shorten is the factor that pulled me back. But after yesterday, I feel relaxed. I was so silly. Baby said I was silly too...He said I didnt have to suffer all in silence, he said I could tell him anything...but is that really the case? Maybe I wasjust thinking too much but the fact that I cant afford to lose him is something I can never deny. For the past couple of weeks, Baby and I get into arguements and quarrels so easily. There seems to be a commuication break down between us..we seem to be drifting apart...at one point of time, I thought I should just leave him, maybe he would feel happier but deep down, I know how much it's gonna hurt. But our determination to keep this relationship going is the prove of our love for each other...at least for me I suppose..I hope he feels the same way too. I'm putting in all I can to make this happen cz I know I want this to blossom into something more than just a simple relationship. Im already 27 and I wanna lead a normal and stable life..
Past 2 days was the happiest we ever had in months. There were absolutely zero arguements. We just had nothing but pure fun and enjoyment. It was just like when we first got together. I wished I could just stop the time, its a kind of happiness I can hardly explain. It was just ...US! It's been a long time since baby treated me like that already. I could feel love all over again.
Baby brought me to meet his frens on fri. It was scary at first..haha...I was having sweaty palms, I was feeling cold but he made me feel comfortable. He was trying so hard to make me feel easy :) somehow during some parts of the night, I start to wonder if I was doing ok....I was shy yet I didnt wanna give an impression that I was stuck up. I was quiet but I didnt wanna give an impression that I was unfriendly...it was a tough night but guess what??? I've made it through...Phew~ and I hope that there would be many more of such outings that baby will take me along. I just want us to be seen as ONE...am I asking too much?
Im determined not to allow anything to hurt our relationship but can I do it alone? Sometimes the insecurity I have in me, the fear I have in me, the negative thoughts I have in me...these are the feelings I wish I could eliminate..but can it really go away? I need confidence..both in myself and this relationship. I want to make this happen and Im determined to do so...and Im seeking for God's grace & help.
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