Im a strong girl..I wont shed a tear

Weather check for today : Gloomy with light showers.

Am feeling super gloomy today. Things always dun seem to go right. Just when I tot this month would be a better month compared to the last, I was so wrong. These couple of days were rather busy with the overwhelming call volume due to some new changes. Down by manpower, rushing off reports..hmm, feeling the stress agn. Some of my team mates not very co-operative while some are working their ass off despite the pressure. Had a meeting earlier, boss said something which i really dunno if I should do or not? Penalizing ppl for high MCs yet what are the consequences gonna be? This team is so small and I really must say that I miss the old team..the team back in nov last year. Sometimes boss said somethings which I find quite true but at the same time, I dunno whats fighting devil in me. The good devil I mean. My performance had dropped alot, I can feel it myself but sometimes I really wonder if its becz of me alone or something else? Dun get the type of support I needed from my superior, things I wanna do have to be pulled back. Can no longer fight for sales, no longer fight for projects that helps both my team as well as the dept. Feels that martin is very rigid in his thoughts. I feel that he can be very baise at times. Seems like everything is all abt Ops and CAMS, then where do we really stand? Asked for extra head-count, req was turned down but this afternoon's meeting, heard him giving the go ahead to recep to recruit. Showed him numbers, figures, SLs but all efforts went furtile.
Early this month, I was frantically searching for jobs becz I tot I was gonna lose baby, I just needed to get a job and leave this place, a place that brings loads of memories and of cz heartaches if we were to end this r'ship. But after knowing that our r'ship could go on, I shelved away the tot of leaving but just when all this work issues caught me thinking, I started receiving calls from places I applied for jobs...but I dunno what heaven is playing with me. Missed 3 calls from GV ytd and 1 from LTA, when I called back, either no answer or not ard and by evening...my bloody hp was disconnected! Tell me..is this some kind of game? What have I done to deserve this? I dont wanna take part in this game. Its not fun!
Phone line disconnected, no one can reach me, meaning even if a good job comes along, they cant reach me. Feel bloody retarded without my phone!! Argghh...why do this have to happen now? I was still hoping that this can be delayed for another week. When I made early payment, no one noted that but when a payment comes in late, they cant wait to suspend the line. Today baby asked me a question that i could not answer. He asked if I was in debt. I was like..WTF? How to answer? At the end of the day, I promised I wont go back to night life..but I am struggling. Arrgghh...no matter what, I know I have to manage but I also will keep my word to baby . Can someone just let me strike toto or 4D? Dun need much..1st prize $2k..I will be a happy woman...hahah....
Shannon is now also not well, hoping that i dun have to take him to the doc agn. Why issit that when Im trying so hard to curb on my spending, the unexpected had to happen? When I left my lipo package on hold for so long, none of this came abt. Just 2 days after I went for it, I had to fork out $500 to pay someone, settle bills, fees, etc. Why type of game is this all abt?? Can someone pls tell me..get me out of this game can?
This weekend kids having their race, we have a room there and Im sure the kids will have great fun. I had promised to take them swimming and to the theme park. But now Im really wondering if I can hold on to my promise and not use my credit card. But whatever the case is, Im not gonna disappoint the kids like how their daddy always disappoint them. He always made promises which he cant keep and seeing them so sad really hurts. So with daddy or without daddy, mummy will still hold on to any promises made to them...at least to the best of my ability. Now and the future, I just need them to know that even without daddy ard, they can still have all the love every kid would get.
30 more mins to knock off time. Dunno what to do after finish blogging. Facebook?? Hmm..dunno if I want to even continue being an addict to FB. It's really too much. But what can I say? It's baby's fren afterall..or rather his so-called brother! Baby always say I dunno how to choose my frens and we always had to quarrel becz of my frens. Becz of that, I put in all effort to not make baby unhappy but it's the other way now. All the while, baby probably thinks Im over possesive over his going out with frens on weekdays till late night. No matter how I try to explain myself, he still went ahead with his plans, causing me to have a whole night of worries, hurt and sometimes even crying myself to sleep. Baby has always been very protective over his "brothers" and Im not surprise if he shares every quarrels we have with them. Many a times when ppl ard asked if we had quarrel, I just had to lie and say no. I had to cook up excuses as to why we were not together, why he looked angry, why he not lunching with me, why I look so down, why this and why that! I guess as much as i can do...this is just a little way to protect ur other half. So does he protect me the same way to?
Now I come to realise why baby used to tell me that Daphne hates them too. When baby shared this with me last time, I brushed it off as her being unreasonable...but now, I feel the way she feels too. Before baby and I got together, he used to tell us during coffee sessions abt Daphne being unhappy with him, abt their quarrels they had just before baby came to join us..it keeps me wondering now if the same thing is happening agn but just having the female lead actress to be a different person. I hope its not and I also hope Im not in self denial. Im sure he loves me very much and if you love someone deeply, Im sure we will do everything to protect that person, am I right?
Gonna pack up now...baby should be coming over soon. Gonna go get his shoe then going for dinner. Im sure the night will end well...Im very sure it will..

I can do it...all will be fine. Im strong, I wont shed a tear...


Out in the darkness
Screaming but unheard,
Embracing the deception
No truth no recollection,
My pain has no real word.

Blood pours from my body
Tears pour from my eyes,
Love and hate,
A twisted fate,
Now time for me to die.

To suffer through life,
Is like living in hell.
My pain I shall keep
To myself in this deep,
On earth where I will dwell.

Fallen angels, beckon me
Summoning me, unto their lair.
Deceit and pain
Blood pours like rain,
Caught in a devious snare.

Shall my soul rest
For the first time in years?
Or shall I cry
Until I die,
Drowning in my tears?

Desperate cries to the gods above
Desperate cries to the one I love.
Desperate cries to find my fate
Desperate cries of love and hate.
Desperate cries, longing to expire
Desperate cries, to cover the lies,
Desperate cries to conceal the fear in my eyes.
Desperate cries, to an immortal slave
Desperate cries so I can be saved...
Desperate cries, death I desire.