Today is a bad bad day! And its a fri! Damn it! One after another. Really cannot take it anymore. Work stress is piling up on a friday..how the hell can I allow that to happen?? Oh No!
This case that case....and of cz...something else...Im going crazy!
Went to hospital this afternoon...if only they had a bed for me immediately then at least I can escape from all these for some time....
Friday, October 23, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Fear..the only thing on my mind that's taking all my energy
Emotions controls every single one of us but for some people, I realise depression barely exists. But for the rest of us, we are doomed to live depressed or at least for me...so to speak. Depression makes me unhappy, makes me think of suicide, makes me think about the wonders of death and of cz...depression causes me to hurt the ones I love day by day in a way I barely could even tell. I wanna get help but never seem to be able to. Even when a shred of hope left in me hoping that those I love will save me from this black hole that I keep falling into...I still hold on..but yet depression controls us, controls me, my feelings and my mind..and I battle it every day with tiredness and with despair.
I feel so lost, lost in my own world. His kind words and gentle thoughts, I do hear them but how come it seems so distant..so far away? I have pushed everyone away, wondering why do I have to stay here all alone, all by myself. Why? My mind races with all these thoughts, thoughts of pain and thought of loss. A loss which Im soon nearing..a reality Ive tried to accept but I cant. Why?
November had always meant to be a start of a new year for me, new beginning as I journey on to a new age of life, new happenings, something that I would look forward to and say to myself "Hey, you are a year older! Forget the past and start agn!" Be it the following year is gonna be a good one or a bad one..at least I have a chance to start agn..but this time round, Im so not looking forward to November. Yes, it marks a new beginning but it also marks the day of a loss. I dun quite understanding why the pain of loss is too much to handle. Is that why I cant say sorry for being selfish and cant express my support for him? I sense it coming when we first spoke abt it but yet I was constantly in self denial. I have heard it somewhere that big gain big loss is a risk, no gain no loss is security. Small gain small loss is safe, small gain no loss is wise. Big gain no loss is luck and of cz small gain big loss is what a fool will do. So which is which now?
We sometimes say we need a change as changes in life would mean a new start but yet we often fail to ponder if the change is really for the best. He's moving on but not getting too far, the path he's on may cause him no change but yet my deepest fear is causing me so much pain. Does anyone know?
Sometimes when people get hurt, even the strongest ones may need comfort. Im no different...Im human too..
I feel so lost, lost in my own world. His kind words and gentle thoughts, I do hear them but how come it seems so distant..so far away? I have pushed everyone away, wondering why do I have to stay here all alone, all by myself. Why? My mind races with all these thoughts, thoughts of pain and thought of loss. A loss which Im soon nearing..a reality Ive tried to accept but I cant. Why?
November had always meant to be a start of a new year for me, new beginning as I journey on to a new age of life, new happenings, something that I would look forward to and say to myself "Hey, you are a year older! Forget the past and start agn!" Be it the following year is gonna be a good one or a bad one..at least I have a chance to start agn..but this time round, Im so not looking forward to November. Yes, it marks a new beginning but it also marks the day of a loss. I dun quite understanding why the pain of loss is too much to handle. Is that why I cant say sorry for being selfish and cant express my support for him? I sense it coming when we first spoke abt it but yet I was constantly in self denial. I have heard it somewhere that big gain big loss is a risk, no gain no loss is security. Small gain small loss is safe, small gain no loss is wise. Big gain no loss is luck and of cz small gain big loss is what a fool will do. So which is which now?
We sometimes say we need a change as changes in life would mean a new start but yet we often fail to ponder if the change is really for the best. He's moving on but not getting too far, the path he's on may cause him no change but yet my deepest fear is causing me so much pain. Does anyone know?
Sometimes when people get hurt, even the strongest ones may need comfort. Im no different...Im human too..
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Waiting for time to pass....
Baby got me an Iphone for my birthday..yes..abit early but yup!! I got an Iphone..hehe...Happy is the word but somehow part of me feel a tinge of pain for him. Cost him a thousand plus for the phone and on top of that, he bought 2 sets so that we could have the same phones..o when I sense some kind of pain from him, I shared my sentiments with him but ended up getting a scolding from him. @#$%^ :~(
Anyway, this is the best gift other than a nokia 6510 which grandma bought for me 10 yrs back. Feel so loved and pampered..hee...but dunno why, part of me inside still feels unhappy over his decision to move on. Been trying hard to accept but apparently this is gonna be a super tough task. Even before his departure, I already start to feel the distance between us. We used to be constantly contactable and he will often drop by just to say hi..but lately, all these routine had lessen by alot. Haiz...what is it gonna be like if he leaves. No more daily lunches, no more short calls or messages?? I dunno and I really dun dare to think abt it.
Told baby I wanna leave, been eagerly searching for jobs...my gut feel (something that he hates abt) tells me that he'd probably thinks Im doing this as some sort of revenge or getting back. Haiz...I hope he dun tink it that way cz thats not the case...
Yawn...feel so slpy and drained...suddenly in need of charging myself. Been thru quite a rollar coaster ride this few weeks and I know its time to take a break...looking for to the chalet this weekend plus my KL trip too!!! Yoo hoo...Just wanna let go of everything..
haha..something just came to my mind, maybe I should just suggest to baby...book a hotel, get lots of alcohol and just drink...of cz if u are wondering..just the 2 of us...hee....idea ah??
okok...time to go back to work...sob sob!!
Anyway, this is the best gift other than a nokia 6510 which grandma bought for me 10 yrs back. Feel so loved and pampered..hee...but dunno why, part of me inside still feels unhappy over his decision to move on. Been trying hard to accept but apparently this is gonna be a super tough task. Even before his departure, I already start to feel the distance between us. We used to be constantly contactable and he will often drop by just to say hi..but lately, all these routine had lessen by alot. Haiz...what is it gonna be like if he leaves. No more daily lunches, no more short calls or messages?? I dunno and I really dun dare to think abt it.
Told baby I wanna leave, been eagerly searching for jobs...my gut feel (something that he hates abt) tells me that he'd probably thinks Im doing this as some sort of revenge or getting back. Haiz...I hope he dun tink it that way cz thats not the case...
Yawn...feel so slpy and drained...suddenly in need of charging myself. Been thru quite a rollar coaster ride this few weeks and I know its time to take a break...looking for to the chalet this weekend plus my KL trip too!!! Yoo hoo...Just wanna let go of everything..
haha..something just came to my mind, maybe I should just suggest to baby...book a hotel, get lots of alcohol and just drink...of cz if u are wondering..just the 2 of us...hee....idea ah??
okok...time to go back to work...sob sob!!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
I really wonder.....
At baby's plc now, kinda nothing to do..if you are wondering where is he..well...snoring away in front of me. Finished surfing fb and now, basically nothing to do. Saw his status on fb, suddenly feel this squeezing pain in my heart. Suddenly dawn upon to me how selfish he can be. Why cant he just make me happy as what he had always promised to? How cruel can he get knowing that Im already going thru so much, cant he sacrifice for me at least for now? Why issit that I can be willing to turn a job offer down if he had said no but yet he cant do it for me? Does he really love me? Does my words weigh anything? Right now he is just lying an arm length away from me but why do I feel that he is so far away from me?? Baby feels like a stranger now to me...why?
Somehow I cant seem to be able to accept what its gonna be like when he leaves. He claim nothing much would change but Im very doubtful. Baby would probably promise me anything now in order to convince me of the move but one thing he doesnt noe...Im hurting quietly inside. We will let time show and hopefully he doesnt regret the decision he has made against my request & objection...or maybe he wont even regret....haiz...
Is loving one so deeply causing me this pain? Why does it have to be this way? I really wonder... Lately havent tried so hard to mantain this relationship. Doing all I can to make things happen Wonder if he does feel the love and the effort Ive put in. I really wonder...
Is it fair to let everyone ard me be happy and yet I have to quietly swallow the pain and unhappiness? I also wonder...can anyone put an answer to all my wonders?
For now all I can say and wish is that for the decision that he made, there shall be no regrets. I've been so u like myself for this relationship compared to the past I have...and at times I really hate the person I am right now. I hate the possessiveness, I hate the insecurity...I wasnt like that, who am I now? Why am I like that? Arrgghh..Disgusting!
Should I let loose and will I let loose? What will happen? I really wonder....
Somehow I cant seem to be able to accept what its gonna be like when he leaves. He claim nothing much would change but Im very doubtful. Baby would probably promise me anything now in order to convince me of the move but one thing he doesnt noe...Im hurting quietly inside. We will let time show and hopefully he doesnt regret the decision he has made against my request & objection...or maybe he wont even regret....haiz...
Is loving one so deeply causing me this pain? Why does it have to be this way? I really wonder... Lately havent tried so hard to mantain this relationship. Doing all I can to make things happen Wonder if he does feel the love and the effort Ive put in. I really wonder...
Is it fair to let everyone ard me be happy and yet I have to quietly swallow the pain and unhappiness? I also wonder...can anyone put an answer to all my wonders?
For now all I can say and wish is that for the decision that he made, there shall be no regrets. I've been so u like myself for this relationship compared to the past I have...and at times I really hate the person I am right now. I hate the possessiveness, I hate the insecurity...I wasnt like that, who am I now? Why am I like that? Arrgghh..Disgusting!
Should I let loose and will I let loose? What will happen? I really wonder....
Friday, October 9, 2009
Gloomy Fri..
Feeling very vexed right now. Baby seems abit distant towards me..I dunno why. Probably Im just thinking too much. Baby has his own problems to manage and yet I cant do much but add on to his troubles. What a jerk I am. Baby's mum went for check up ytd and results not very good and she needs to go for another round of check up on the 15th. From the call we had last night, I know he's very worried, I am too but as much as I wanna chip in to help, baby rejected my offer. So all I can do now is just to be there when Im required. Sad right...?
Shan had a very bad cut on his teeny weeny finger ytd, blood couldnt stop flowing. Panicked and took him to the hosp. On the way there, I called baby a few times cz I was afraid..Blood!!! Arrghh..but he didnt answer. Got me thinking agn cz just a few minutes before that, we were still smsing each other and I saw his fb status update was also ard that timing..baby..where were u when I needed u agn :(
Nearly vomited but glad I didnt faint either Haha..Thank God he is ok now. Poor little boy. He was brave, didnt cry alot. Instead he was asking me why mummy was crying. Haha....So funny.
Time check: 1359hrs
Just got back from lunch. True enuff, he brought the news up agn. There was basically no point for me to voice my opinion. we spoke on 3 occasions and yet it nvr end. Anyway, baby's decision is made up more or less. I guess I just have to accept it no matter what.
Gonna go back to work now..Dun wanna think of anything.
Shan had a very bad cut on his teeny weeny finger ytd, blood couldnt stop flowing. Panicked and took him to the hosp. On the way there, I called baby a few times cz I was afraid..Blood!!! Arrghh..but he didnt answer. Got me thinking agn cz just a few minutes before that, we were still smsing each other and I saw his fb status update was also ard that timing..baby..where were u when I needed u agn :(
Nearly vomited but glad I didnt faint either Haha..Thank God he is ok now. Poor little boy. He was brave, didnt cry alot. Instead he was asking me why mummy was crying. Haha....So funny.
Time check: 1359hrs
Just got back from lunch. True enuff, he brought the news up agn. There was basically no point for me to voice my opinion. we spoke on 3 occasions and yet it nvr end. Anyway, baby's decision is made up more or less. I guess I just have to accept it no matter what.
Gonna go back to work now..Dun wanna think of anything.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Sick.....
Still feeling feverish. Body aching & throat hurts too. Hate this feeling. Body telling me to go home and rest but mind telling me I cant. Damn! Calls still quite managable for now, 2 ppl down..sianz... 1 more day to weekend but still have to return to work :(
Dunno if I can make it till sat..just wanna close my eyes and sleep..sleep for a long long time.
Dunno if I can make it till sat..just wanna close my eyes and sleep..sleep for a long long time.
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