My little Angel

Been an extremely long time since I get a chance to blog..really miss having my own lappy. In the past, when Im down, I know I can blog in order to voice out my unhappiness...but now, I dont even have that chance to do so..and at times...that feels crappy cz my only avenue is also taken away...sob sob...
My little bloggy, Im very sure of u can talk to me now, you will be alarm and shock by what Im gonna say...Im expecting a little one in me....I know...the last you heard from me was 6 mths ago and now that I can start talking to you agn..I have to tell u this...well...Im in a fix....filled with mixed emotions.
Happy cz I have a little one that belongs to him in me, Sad becz this gift came too early for us..Sometimes I wonder if he will change his attitude towards me after this little angel is gone..What should I do? Even without this little one, he has changed...I am no longer his first priority though he always claim I still am...he's always placing his friends before me but yet each time I try to voice it out, we ended up arguing agn and I hv to juz give in so as not to let this become worst...Does he still love me?
Anyway, this little one means alot to me now and Im going to keep it in me for as long as I can.

My little angel, Mummy is so sorry...pls know that deep down, I really love you alot...I hope your presence inside me can help strengthen the love between your daddy and mummy...

I need to stay positive

Finally get to blog agn cz bii's lappy is with me. Havent been able to update ever since I left Certis. Now with MBS, I dont have a laptop and also cant access such websites from work due to security. Sometimes I wonder if changing job is a gd thing...so many things to do, busy like hell and most importantly....havent had much time with kids and bii...right now Im only hoping for all trainings to be over. New batch of trainees coming in but Im not even done with my slides. This is the very first time Im doing this and I really dun have much confident. How??? Causing me sleepless nights lately...also, bii seems abit cold to me at times. I dunno...maybe am just too stress thats why thinking so much ba...I just hope that all will be over soon @ work and I can revert bk to the time we had...

我眼前都是一片黑暗

我觉得好累，不知道还能撑多久。好几次好想放掉一却，一走了子。

。但是我可以这么做吗？有时候多么想死。反正我这一条命根本就不重要，根本也没人会觉得可惜。。。我何必那么辛苦呢？

我眼前都是一片黑暗，带给我都是恐惧，谁能了解我？

真的好累。。。好累。。。

Lord, why have you forsaken me?

Am feeling very vexed and troubled. Mind in a completed mess but who can understand how I really feel? So many things happened and just when I thought after leaving this company and after the new year, I can start all new agn. The one thing that I had always feared finally came true. I had always advised and told anyone that no matter what, never use violence and always talk things out. If things can be left unsaid then just leave it. But now....It's not the time to start pointing fingers or blaming anyone now. I have only myself to blame for everything. Im the common factor and if any punishment needs to be enforce on either one of them, I wished it would be me. Bii had done so much for me and I cannot allow anything to happen to him. As for Boon, for the sake of the kids and his family, I pray hard that he will be fine too. I will be a sinner if he gets the charge. I know everyone blames me for what happened though I was actually in my tipsy mode in bed. But I can accept it and thats why Im not rebelling against anyone. Bii on the other hand is protecting me from further blames and I feel so crappy. He really dun deserve a gf like me. His life was so nicely path for him before he met me. He had such a wonderful stable r'ship and yet I have to come into the picture. Im really sorry baby. Im such a sinner. Arrgghh..Why? Why me? Im crazy enough now to jump of the bridge now...well..that if only I dare to overcome that fear of bridges. Darn! Fear agn! What the hell is fear really abt? Is it when Im scared or when I can pratically pee in my pants? Sometimes I can feel fear so near to me...breathing on me. Fear is when I cant sleep every night, cant think straight and start wondering what is gonna happen tomorrow. I dont want that. I hate it! I really hate it! In the first place, I shouldnt even be in this world at all. everything is all my fault. All my own fault. Im gonna hate myself more.

Christ Jesus, when everything is in darkness and I feel my weakness and helplessness, give me the sense of Your presence, Your love, and Your strength. Help me to have perfect trust in Your protecting love and strengthening power, so that nothing may frighten or worry me. For living so close to You, I shall see Your hand, Your purpose, Your will through all things. Teach me to seek you and reveal yourself to me when I seek for you Dear Lord.
Lord God, I lift myself up to you and seek your blessing on the both of them. Please send your angels down to touch their hearts and take away both their hot-headedness when they return on the 12th. I ask for your grace Lord Jesus Christ, for great leniancy on them both. I lift up my humble heart to you O'Lord. Hear my prayer...Answer my prayer...
Lord, you are the source of all my sustenance. I pray that you hear my prayer and guide me in your infinite wisdom. My spirit is full but my never-ending problems are pulling me down. I need your help. My finances are in crisis too and they are causing me great pain. Please uplift my heart so that I may appreciate all that I do have so that I may also be blessed with more prosperity. Money issues bring me down so much that Lord, many a times, I forget to thank You for all that I do have. Please remind me of Your abundance and please take away the financial difficulties that Im facing Lord. Please sustain me as much as Your loving care.

Im tired already...really tired...

又失望了

我又失望了。。。又有一种被敷衍的感觉，希望我是想太多。。。

Trying to keep my sanity and composure intact

Dont feel too good today. Having a swollen right eye due to eyelid infection. Nvr heard of such thing before but yup..I've got it. It's a monday but I'm already looking forward to the weekend. Oh no. Do I really dread this place already? Hmm..
Why is sadness always in the midst of my life? It is like a mind controlling disease, making me feel worthless and unknown at most times. It has zero mercy to anyone, constantly whispering into my ears that life has no meaning. Makes me feel like that is no purpose to go on. I've been wanting to run and hide but yet I know it is so close behind me..following me no matter where I go or how hard I try to escape. Many a times I really hated myself for having to go thru these roller coaster emotions. I hate it...I simply hate it. Constantly having to worry abt so many things. Why cant I just lead a simple worry-free life that most women get to lead? I dont ask for many things, do I? Just wanting the best for my babies. Bringing them into this world was what I had done and therefore, I should for every reason, ensure that they get the best but do anyone out there understand that mummy dearest is hanging on with a heavy heart? Damn! What has gotten over me now? Why do I suddenly feel that Im losing it? Losing myself, losing my mind, losing my determination, losing my confidence in keeping the kids going...losing everything. Why?? I know I need to snap out of these thoughts. I cant afford to keep drifting into the dark side of life but who can hold me and guide me through without the possibility of falling bk into darkness.
Lately I've been having strange dreams..dreams that I can hardly explain itself. It's just so weird..so weird. Everything seems to look and feel so weird...like how I woke up with a sprain wrist last week, and this week, I woke up with a swollen eye. My life just don't seem in place. What's gonna happen next week when I wake up? Im starting to fear..The nightmares are haunting me once agn..they seem to be coming back agn...Its seems so real, like they are watching me and waiting. Waiting for the moment I close my eyes..It just makes me so uncomfy.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Finally, 3 audits done...still struggling for the others. My original plan for the day is ruined! Damn! Thought I could leave by noon but so many things to do. I forgot that the closing date for the SAN registration is today that was why I tot my plan of leaving this dreadful place can take place successfully...Sob sob...Head feeling very heavy now but tummy feeling empty...havent eaten anything since ytd's breakfast but on the brighter side..It's a great way to lose weight!! Yeah...
Why is the time ticking by so slowly?? Totally no drive to do anything now..
What the hell...shall just pack and go spend some time with me, myself & I..haha...Crap..
Maybe I should just "fled" singapore agn for a few days...hmmm....idea leh...
Now back to reality first...get back to work Jane!