Trying to keep my sanity and composure intact

Dont feel too good today. Having a swollen right eye due to eyelid infection. Nvr heard of such thing before but yup..I've got it. It's a monday but I'm already looking forward to the weekend. Oh no. Do I really dread this place already? Hmm..
Why is sadness always in the midst of my life? It is like a mind controlling disease, making me feel worthless and unknown at most times. It has zero mercy to anyone, constantly whispering into my ears that life has no meaning. Makes me feel like that is no purpose to go on. I've been wanting to run and hide but yet I know it is so close behind me..following me no matter where I go or how hard I try to escape. Many a times I really hated myself for having to go thru these roller coaster emotions. I hate it...I simply hate it. Constantly having to worry abt so many things. Why cant I just lead a simple worry-free life that most women get to lead? I dont ask for many things, do I? Just wanting the best for my babies. Bringing them into this world was what I had done and therefore, I should for every reason, ensure that they get the best but do anyone out there understand that mummy dearest is hanging on with a heavy heart? Damn! What has gotten over me now? Why do I suddenly feel that Im losing it? Losing myself, losing my mind, losing my determination, losing my confidence in keeping the kids going...losing everything. Why?? I know I need to snap out of these thoughts. I cant afford to keep drifting into the dark side of life but who can hold me and guide me through without the possibility of falling bk into darkness.
Lately I've been having strange dreams..dreams that I can hardly explain itself. It's just so weird..so weird. Everything seems to look and feel so weird...like how I woke up with a sprain wrist last week, and this week, I woke up with a swollen eye. My life just don't seem in place. What's gonna happen next week when I wake up? Im starting to fear..The nightmares are haunting me once agn..they seem to be coming back agn...Its seems so real, like they are watching me and waiting. Waiting for the moment I close my eyes..It just makes me so uncomfy.