I need strength...

Dear Lord Jesus,

Give me a sign please. I really need to talk to you Lord. Since the last time we talked, the walk has been hard. Though I know you haven't left me but yet, I feel like I’m all alone. No matter how hard I fight with my inner feelings, I'm still going through all the pain and the hurt. I feel like it’s never ending for me…having to soak up all the trouble and having to walk through this all on my own. My tears are flowing like how the rain is pouring from the sky….but I know, only I can stop the rain.

Show me Lord Jesus, show me what I got to do to bring me closer to you. Whatever you want me to do, please…I need your comfort Lord. Give me a sign. Please show me something. I’m tired of walking on already. I know you are watching me but can you please don’t just watch me from a distance? Show me the light…Show me some sign. Please take my hand and guide me. Protect me and give me the strength to fight back Lord.

Life or Death? To live or die? I always thought if I don’t quit, my soul will not die but I’m so wrong. It seems to have died long ago and reviving it is tough and a chore to me now. Why does it seem like I have to be the sole giver of everything? Why do I have to worry about things going wrong? Why do I have to ensure that nothing goes wrong? Why do I have to throw in 101% of effort, biting the bullet and fighting all the way? And sadly, when things go wrong, I have to quietly except that it is my fault even when it is not.

There is this quote I chanced upon one day, “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”. A very meaningful quote right? But sadly, this is a quote I will never be able to accomplish because no matter what, he will always be my priority but I know….I will never be his…..and frankly….that hurts : (

Once my man...Always my man

November seems to pass pretty fast too. Just last week I was celebrating my birthday and now it’s already the 10^th. Gosh…time flies when it’s nearing the end of the year.

Invigilating a class now. Boring! Feels just like back in school when I’m seating for an exam, only difference is I was the student. Seeing the stress look on their faces just makes me miss school days. If only time can go back…I wish.

Can’t stop coughing since morning. Feels so irritated and still sick with all the chest tightness and breathlessness. How can I not stop smoking with all these problems, probably cut short my life span if this goes on : (

2 more hours to go before knock off…not sure if meeting him today. Still troubled over what happened. Don’t know if that’s what’s making me feel what I’m feeling these couple of days. Spoke to a couple of close buddies and I thought it’s probably only me that’s being unreasonable but I’m glad to know that what I’m feeling is absolutely normal. And the way I approach this matter is nothing wrong either. But the question is….does he think likewise? Definitely not. How can I make my man see the picture and let him understand without flaring up & resulting in yet another unnecessary argument?

The last thing I want is to totally not bother asking or knowing anymore because that would mean I have lost the love for him. I love this man so much and no matter what I do, I know I’ve always thought about him first. Be in planning an outing with friends, working OT, etc. I never fail to update him as & when…even for small little things. During breaks, the 1^st thing that comes to mind is whether he had his meals, how’s things doing….What do I call this? Respect & Love…making sure he’s assured of my whereabouts, my activities. Making sure he don’t forget his meals.

My man don’t think likewise. A couple of days ago he made a statement to me which totally came to me as a punch. Till today, I can’t forget his words. “This is not an army camp. I don’t have to tell you EVERYTHING”. These words strike me so hard…it’s hurts till today. At times when I forget to tell him certain things or I’m a little late to tell him, he would also ask me “why you never tell me?” Almost immediately, I will be overwhelmed with guilt & apologized. Never once did I take it as controlling or like what he termed it “ARMY CAMP”. I guess it’s more of a responsibility instead of….An Army Camp. Oh well…I guess I just need some time to get over it…and especially during this vulnerable period where I’m sick…It will probably take longer but then…I’m Jane…I will be fine after awhile : ) That’s what I’m proud of myself…hahaha…Thick skin eh? Hehe….But that’s me what! Hardly bear grudge…yoo hoo….but then again…maybe this is my weakness too.

Oh no…it’s raining again....wet evening awaits us…damn…

Gonna pen off for now..back to class. Will be right back soon again…Tada!